Confused dont know what to do

jessica it is hard to break habits of a lifetime, but easier if that lifetime hasnt been that long. consistency and love will eventually win him over. cant help with what to do about the pregnancy tho.

hey there, hes 4 and quite smart when he wants to be, he went to his mum in feb we havent had him back that long so maybe he'll change back into the good boy we once had, he wanted to stay with us so i hope he changes his attitude towards everyone, cyfs help all they recomened was making so that there mother couldnt have any type of contact at all and to get a protection order on her and her partner.
Im probably gonna end up having to get an abortion even though the thought makes me really sad cause what it comes down to is he is my partners son so he comes first i guess.

The decision is entirely up to you but don't make a rash decision based on you being tired, stressed etc. There is a whole 7 months btween now and when your baby is due and a lot can change in that time. His behaviour could be well and truly sorted by then! I admire you fro taking on the challenge and remeber to accept any help that is offered to you. Good Lcuk for your decision.

Hi Jessica, that sounds like a really tough situation to be in.

So just trying to sort out what you've said, you currently have in your care: a step-son who is 4, and a step-daughter who is 2, a 4 1/2 month old as well as being pregnant? That must be a handful!

Well first off I don't think an abortion is actually going to help you, firstly I think you would take it really bad and regret it later. Secondly the pregnancy isn't really the cause for the problems at the moment so things will still be difficult for you. So I think the best way forward is to address the parenting difficulties you guys are having with Mr 4.

Mr 4 has been through a whirlwind of other people's decisions by the sound of things. Being transferred cold turkey into your (and your DP's) care a week ago will be very stressful for him and you probably have different rules and standards (and methods perhaps too) in your home. He needs a lot of love and assurance that things will be okay, and heaps and heaps of consistency so he can re-establish himself in the new environment. (Even though he's been with you before, he has to relearn it, it's a bit like going through culture shock.) Is Mr 4 attending any kind of preschool/kindy which will give him an element of security? (It will be secure for him if he has already been going there and so he's already used to the routine and the rules.) I suspect his attitude towards his little sister is mostly his anxiety playing out.

I think the best thing you and your DP can do is to get as much support as you can. The Family Court can arrange 6 free counselling sessions for any couple who requests it (I think it's 2 for her, 2 for him and 2 together). CYF sounds like they are on your side, perhaps they can suggest or even fund a parenting course for you guys to attend?

You haven't really talked about the legality of the situation. Have you got a lawyer? If not it would be good to get one and talk things over re guardianship of your DP's children in your care, and any concerns you have about Mr 4's mum and her custody/guardianship/etc.

Good on you for speaking out and asking questions, this will be pretty trying for your relationship I expect, but I have seen many couples pull through for the better and if you commit, you'll get there.

Big hugs too, and welcome to OB!

It's great that you want your DP's child to come first but, how does he feel about the whole situation? What worries me is that once the finality of an abortion set you if you had one, you may end up resenting the boy! It's a really tough one and I certainly don't envy you, I would however suggest you and Dp talk about your options alot and make sure you are 100% certain before you do anything. It's really hard to make rational decisions when you are as tired and stressed out as you sound, not to mention adding pregnancy hormones into the mix!!!

Hey there, yeh i hope this year improves too lol we are moving to christchurch soon so that will be great!, adoption is great but i dont think i could do it i get really attached really quickly by the time by Dp daughter was 11 months i used to just introduce her as my daughter lol.
Legal side of things, we have a lawyer whom we consult but thats really it as we did the whole court and custody thing last year to get custody of both kids, allthough we may now have to go to court again to get protection orders to protect all the children due to the nature of Dps exs threats. (She threated when i was pregnant with my lil girl that she was gonna come in one night as she has keys and stabb us to death) i think shes a bit loopy! lol
I was actualy talking with Dp yesterday regarding councelling for his son some of the things he has been saying about his mother is quite sad for example she made him sleep on the floor and put him to bed dirty etc which is another reason as to why if she is ever in her life granted visitation is will be supervised.

As far as this baby is concernd im not sure, Dp isnt really much help in the decision making process from what hes been saying and not saying i dont think he cares either way which is kinda sad.

Anyhow lol ill stop bleating! lol hope you guys all have a good afternoon :)
Thanks,
Jessica

Could you try an over-the-top proactive approach with Mr4? This is going to sound like I'm standing on my pedestal, but at teachers college they teach you to use a proactive approach (ie. rewarding good behaviour, ignoring bad) rather than punishing. It can work if you stick to it, I know it must be really difficult because he's been with his mother for a while (and it doesn't sound like she's done anything for him in the way of developing sound habits). Maybe a sticker chart for playing nicely, no hitting, tidying his room etc. Then gets to do something he loves (maybe time alone with you or dad, watching his favourite programme, playing a quiet game, reading a book together) 1 minute for every sticker he has at the end of the day? (or ticks if stickers get too expensive!)

Good luck, it must be very hard for both of you to juggle your combined family. I think you need to sit down with your DP and nut out the pregnancy situation. Don't let him leave until you've decided on the outcome !

I know the age is different (although he acted like a 4 year old) but when I was pregnant with my son, my then 13 year old stepson came to live with us, and he was REALLY naughty. In the end, we found consistency, and not going back on our word helps alot. I also find this with my son, if I tell him "yes we can have a story when we get home" even if he appears to have forgotten about the story, I will read it anyway, so he knows I am good for my word. Trust is a huge thing, for babies and teenagers. Good luck and you are doing a fantastic job.