How do I get it across to him?

That I'm not an evil needy b**ch, I actually have raging pregnancy hormones topped with a bit of the old depression coming back because of this pregnancy, and that I'm having a hard time dealing with keeping up the workload?

DH and I have always had a pretty strong relationship, but last night because I wouldn't get off my 'lazy fat (bum)' (first time I've ever heard that come out of his mouth in relation to my appearance) to watch a stupid video he'd downloaded off the net (I normally would just to shut him up but I had just sat down after working for a few hours) he started blurting all this stuff out about how I don't respect him, how its all about me, that I'm pushing him away, and that I was lucky he hadn't left yet.

So, silence in our house for a couple of hours, then when we were supposed to go out to dinner with friends (and pick one of the friends up on the way) he said he wouldn't go unless I changed my attitude. I decided that I was going to dinner with or without him, he told me that if I left I wouldn't be allowed to come back. This is probably the 2nd or 3rd time since we've been in our house that he's threatened to kick me out and leave me with nothing. (It's under his name as we couldn't get a mortgage with my student loan).

So I had to cancel my dinner plans, leave my friend stranded and spent the whole night crying because I felt like a prisoner in my own home. I told him that I wanted him to sign a relationship property agreement so that if he ever does leave (or kicks me out) I am entitled to half - which has always been the deal anyway, he earnt the money, I looked after the house and would stay home and bring up our child.

I really don't know what to do, I don't want to be in a relationship where I don't feel like an equal, but he said he won't sign an agreement. It's not about the money, it's about making sure there's a safe and comfortable environment to bring up our son. I just don't know how things have become so bad, and all of this tension is making me almost regret deciding to have a baby, as I don't want him to suffer.

So what do I do? I'm 31 weeks pregnant so it's not like I can leave because all of the stuffs here, plus I work and study mainly from home. I don't think its bad enough to leave, I just want him to understand that I'm not pushing him away, I'm just having a hard time. Every time I do though, he basically says "tough". Where has my lovely DH gone? Is this an attention-seeking thing because all of our attention and money is going on the baby?

Yeah men do have a tendancy to get jealous at this time and it is quite important that you keep some of the focus on him. My DH was brought a book about becoming a dad and although he didn't read it I did and it really helped me understand some of the emotions that fathers to be go through. Like GandT said they worry a lot about whether they will be able support their family, whether they will make good dads, whether they will cope with the birth, they worry about seeing their partners in pain etc.
It also talked about the stages that men and women go through during the pregnancy and it would seem that when women want to talk about stuff is the same time that men want to be pensieve and vice versa so a lot of miscommunication and feeling neglected/shut out and can go on on both sides.

Men are also fixers, if you tell them a problem they either think you are blaming them or they want to fix it, they aren't good at just listening and understanding so perhaps approach it from a different angle. Like, if you help me sort the laundry out then we could watch a dvd together. Instead of I'm tired and you never help me etc.

I think that you two probably need to have a really good chat about things as I think that him threatening to kick you out is crossing a line, but I think before you can do that you need to open the lines of communication and that will probably need to be done more subtly or you will most likely cause him to shut down even further.

Also I think you will find that if you are married and making an equal contribution to the relationship then you are entitled to half regardless of whose name is on what, unfortunately legally the waters are bit more muddied if you are not married and it can be hard for you to get anything unless you can prove that you have made financial contributions to the mortgage/household bills.

Good luck, I'm sure your loving DH is in there somewhere struggling with his emotions.

I think de facto is 3 years. Definitely worth a good talk with him about. I think threatening to kick you out is crossing the line and maybe you should bring that up with him. It will probably be that he'll say sorry he's been stressed out or something and he didn't mean it.

BTW if that doesnt work go to a lawyer and put a notice of claim of interest on the property to preserve your right in the property under the law.....and leave it there til he agrees to put your name on it or change it into a family home or trust situation to show you that you count!!!!

THAT will show him you mean business!

think you missed the point of my TWO posts above stacey...

Well things seem to be better today, I'm going to leave bringing anything up until we've had a few days of us time, thanks ladies for letting me know this isn't just us!

In response to some of the posts, we are married, but I have in no way contributed equally (financially) to the relationship as I have been studying for the 3 out of 4 years we have been together (that decision was made jointly). But the deal is I take care of the home.

I was pretty sure that I'm entitled to half, but he could contest it right? It's not so much for me, but just to get that little issue out in the open so it can't be brought up again.

I think he knows he overstepped the mark now, but I'm glad I haven't brought it up yet as I think its more important that we both have time to process. Maybe a date would be a good idea, just to have some us time. Thanks for your thoughts!

Hi, your contribution doesn't have to be financial, keeping home is doing half. Yes I think he could contest it but I doubt it would get him that far.

I'm glad things have calmed down now and I think that waiting till you 2 are talking better would be good before you have the big talk. Definately take some time to have a date, you won't get much of a chance once bubs is here.

[QUOTE=emz]
In response to some of the posts, we are married, but I have in no way contributed equally (financially) to the relationship as I have been studying for the 3 out of 4 years we have been together (that decision was made jointly). But the deal is I take care of the home.

As soon as you are married it's 50/50% regardless as far as i know he can't contest that..and really why would he...!! Especially as you will have a baby together!!:)

Yeah thats my main issue, I know that at the end of the day he'd never follow through, but it just doesn't make it a very happy place to be in when I don't feel equal.

My DH has come a long way in the 4ish years we've been together, he has had very messed up ideas of what a healthy relationship is (thanks to my wonderful in-laws) and unfortunately has no-one to base being a good husband and father off as his father is useless (i.e. has 4 boys to 2 different mothers, all of whom he's basically abandoned when the going got tough).

I really think that a lot of this is to do with freaking out about being a good husband/father and almost trying to get out of it before he has to admit defeat. Oh the ways parents screw up their kids from an early age a!

He's been very cuddly for the past day which is his way of apologising (he doesn't talk much - another wonderful family trait!). I think I'm also distancing myself slightly because I know that in a few months I'm going to be left to look after the baby for 6 months when he goes overseas, so that probably doesn't help.

Thanks for listening ladies! I just didn't really know who to talk to as none of my friends are married/have children.