if it’s normal why do i feel guilty?

Ok, so most of you will know my little sis had her bubs last monday, he was a little early just on 6lbs though but had heaps of probs with blood sugars being low and couldn't hold his temp, so of course went to NNU. We don't look after our own family members, and he was in a side room anyway, so really i didn't see him much at all, in fact, i stayed away, In the nearly week he was there i would have ventured into the room barely a handful of times and only in a nursing way to check on him for someone else. It wasn't a conscious "no i don't want to see him" it just seemed like a subconscious avoidance to protect myself from the reality that she got her baby and i don't have mine.

I feel bad cos it's not his fault, nor my sister's, and I'm glad i'm sick at the mo and that we don't see them much because I really really don't want to hold him.
Ggr i just feel guilty, i don't want my sis to feel bad for having her bub, she's doing well with him so far.

am sure others have been through this.. does it go away? what helped?

Yeah it does go away, kind of. I still look at my SIL's wee girl who has just turned two and think my babies should be running around with her and why did she get to have her baby and i didnt but those thoughts dont pop up as much now as they did at the start and I am happy for her its just like a constant reminder of what should been.
Dont have any wonderful words of wisdom for you though sorry but

I had a friend due two weeks ahead of me and even tho I was 30-odd weeks pregnant with the gremlins by the time she delivered I was still incredibly jealous that her baby was here in one piece and mine wasn't, and that the two I was carrying were hanging in there so precariously (I had a bleed and a false labour about two weeks before she had her wee boy). It does pass with time, Ryan turned one a couple of weeks ago, and our baby was due a year ago last Monday, and so I've been a bit blah and miserable this week, but mostly I'm ok with it, and seeing him doesn't hurt so much.

I do wonder tho if I'd be this ok with it if I hadn't had the gremlins?