Mixed Emotions

I am angry that this has happened to us. I dont feel anger towards others as such, but I have questioned why us and not them.... its more directed at the universe, god whoever.

For me is still very raw and I have not gone through the grieving process.. I seem to be stuck on if I just ignore it, it never happened...

Of course you wouldnt wish it on anyone chick, you wouldnt wish it on yourself... thats the point. Its not fair!!!

I dont think your a nasty cow, just a woman who will never forget the pain of losing her child. How can we make sense of something so senseless.

It does make sense to me, I've felt this way for years. Just the whole "why us? It isn't fair" thing mostly, but at the worst times I haven't been able to have anything to do with babies or pregnant women, and I beat myself up for being crazy, mean, selfish...the list goes on. I had 2 miscarriages before I had my first child (now 10yrs old, omg where did that time go) then had 4 more miscarriages before my now 6yr old was born, then in Dec 2003 we were given the tough decision whether or not to terminate (such an awful word) when major abnormalities were discovered at our 20wk scan. We were told this baby was "incompatible with life" yet the decision what to do was ours. Its the worst thing that ever happened to me even though I know I did the right thing, I took the pain so that he didn't have to. I have been so angry, I guess at the universe in general that we have had these losses, and all I can ever come back to is "Its just not fair". Why should something be given in the first place, if only to be taken away? I ended up losing a lot of friends over my "weird behaviour" which just made it even harder. To be perfectly honest, it was only a few months ago I reached a kind of peace with the whole thing, I'm not even sure how, I just realised I had to move on. Now that moving on has taken us in a surprise direction, I am completely scared out of my wits. I'm just lucky my hubby is so kind and understanding, he's been there through all of it, he's been the only one who does understand. Hope this doesn't upset anyone, I'm not a horrible person, I did a horrible thing because I really had no choice. It really is a cruel world sometimes.

Genie - my god you truly have been through the mill and back again. Big hugs and I send you all my heartfelt wishes for this pregnancy.

I was the same I didn't want a lot to do with pregnant woman - though friends (for me, and I mean *true blue* friends) were easier, but there was certain women in particular that I found very hard that I would see often in my line of work. As a result I left my job (I was manager of a Baby Factory store for 5 years, I never went back after losing the baby) and became a housewife. Though this right for me as I needed that time for me (and I believe that's one of the reasons I so quickly conceived again).

I don't feel angry or wondered 'why us'. I feel that there was something wrong so it wasn't viable. Maybe its just how I cope with it, not sure. I was reading the birth notices the day after my D&C and there was only one, and it was stillborn. I couldn't even imagine how to cope with that.

This MC has affected me in that it took a year to get pregnant and I'm going to be 41 next month so my chances of further MC's increase due to age plus it will take me longer to get pregnant....so have I missed my opportunity?? That is the question that has really effected me.

tiff just wanted to let you know word for word it's exactly how i feel...

I feel like this from time to time, especially concerning my sister, who's 19, having her 4th kid in a few weeks and is really not fit to have any at all. I often feel like how come she does all the wrong/bad stuff and still got her baby and yet i was doing everything by the book, and lost ours. I hated that just a week after my M/C she was going on and on at me about how devastating it was to be having another boy, she doesn't how how close i have come to really going off my nut at her so many times.

I also feel horrible about thinking that way, and i felt horrible that i knew a few people due around when i was and i find it hard to talk to them even now.

I think the biggest thing for me... is knowing that was my last chance to have a baby, it was out "miracle" post-vasectomy baby, and once we had lost baby, and decided that obviously vasectomy hadn't worked so we WOULd try again (after a million times convincing mike into it) his samples turned clear, and he won't get it reversed, and i think that's where my hurt comes from - is that loss, those empty arms, and knowing there won't ever be another baby there to fill what was taken away. I have my beautiful big girls, but long for that magical baby feeling. I'm trying to make sense of it, and tell myself i have my girls, but so often i just think "how can they be so naive, how can people think that everything turns out rosy all the time?" but then i know how.. cos up until the day of our routine scan last year.. i was naive too, nothing had gone wrong with my other 2 pregnancies, so why should anything have been different this time. If i could choose, I would go back to having been blissfully naive.... I would never choose to have not known my baby just for that short while, i know i have a 3rd child even if it's not with us, but would happily trade away the hurt.

Edited by mum2paris

Tiff, you caused no offence at all, I just didn't want anyone to feel their loss was any less than mine. Believe me I don't feel like a strong person, I've made a mess of a lot of things along the way. And you don't come across like you feel sorry for yourself or wish harm on others, I understand very well how you feel. These feelings are confusing and it helps to know others feel similar. I wish I found such a supportive community to share in long ago.

Aww Janine you made me cry!

I can relate to so many of the things that have been said here. I had a friend who was due with her fourth (unplanned) baby two weeks before our angel baby was due and I struggled and raged against that so much, I felt like how dare she be allowed to have another healthy baby and yet we so desperately wanted a second child and couldn't have one. Not that I would ever have wished the pain on anyone, just that it seemed so unfair. In a particularly cruel irony she miscarried her fifth baby a couple of months ago and here I am ready to give birth so the roles have kind of reversed.

I also agree that fate is involved in one way or another, without having lost our angel I wouldn't have had my precious gremlins (I conceived them six weeks later), altho that in itself has been a journey, there was a time when I resented them for being twins and longed for our miscarried single angel baby. But now I can't imagine my life without them.

This baby has been an unbelievable healing process for me, I had a lot of issues with anxiety, PND and PTSD while I was preg with the gremlins and when they were babies because I didn't deal with our loss well at the time, and so I kind of feel like I missed out on the first eight months of their lives.

This time round, whilst there is still a level of anxiety, I have allowed myself to feel and dream a little bit more, and I am actually a bit excited about our new baby, so in a way, even tho this pregnancy came as a huge shock, it's actually been an important part of the healing process.