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Forum LockedWorried father of 1 with triplets on their way

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Nick102027 View Drop Down
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    Posted: 21 December 2012 at 10:11pm
Hello,

An introduction.. Apart from a forum I built a few years ago, I never use them. But my current concerns raise the need, and I think the title says it all.

My partner and I have a beautiful 4yo girl who means the absolute world to me. Wanting her to have a brother/sister, as well as to make a complete family (in my view), we tried for another. Early this year we miscarried which was a big blow, but we got back on our horse and tried again.
We are now 12weeks to big healthy triplets. We had the 12week scan today.

I know there are people out there who would love just to fall pregnant at all, and I don't want to sound selfish but triplets is a huge shock. I guess this is why I am venting on a forum. I want to speak my thoughts without being judged, espcially to people who might understand. My partner is over the shock and is very excited, so it's hard to talk to her about my issues. She thinks she doesn't have my support, which in some ways might be true. Before I go any further, I would like to explain why.

1) I always pictured having a family of 4. 2 adults, 2 children. Although this is not a big deal at all, I'm having trouble coming to terms with it. 5 I could cope with, but I never ever imagined 6.

2) My daughter is going to miss out. The triplets will most likely group together and it'll be the triplets and her. Not "her and the baby".

3) Financially this is going to put a huge strain on us. For example, I always wanted to send my kids to private school. But with 4, and 3 all in the same year, this is going to be almost impossible. That's another dream of mine, almost in tatters. But everything we do is going to be much more expensive and potentially we are all going to miss out.

4) Logistically. 4 kids at different times would be OK, but having 3 all at the same stage is going to prohibit us from doing so much. You can't buy triplet strollers. Cars and baby seats is a hassle, and when they learn to walk they will have to be on leads because they will all walk in different directions. We each only have 2 arms!

They would be the key points. They are so many points for each that at the moment, I can't get excited.
Please don't get me wrong. I will love these children with all my heart, as much as I love my daughter. But I want to provide for these in the best way I can, and by having 4, I don't think I can do that in the way I wanted to.

I need help. I would love to talk to some people that have gone through this, hopefully the dads too.

Thanks.
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LateStarterLorna View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LateStarterLorna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2012 at 10:46pm
I would say congrats but I think you might be in too much shock at the moment, I dont have triplets but I do know there is a triplet and supports nz facebook private page -

http://www.facebook.com/groups/171965649262/?fref=ts

Good Luck



Edited by LateStarterLorna - 21 December 2012 at 10:47pm



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sem View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote sem Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2012 at 11:12pm
There is (was) a girl on here a year or two ago who had triplets. I can't remember her forum handle but somebody else might. 

I think your points are all pretty valid and I think most people would be pretty shocked and would find it hard to come to terms with such a big instant family.

Good Luck!
Here we go again, another baby on it's way!
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Nick102027 View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Nick102027 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 December 2012 at 11:15pm
Thank you. And thanks for the advice, unfortunately however, I avoid Facebook like the plague.

There is one other point I missed out that I would like to add, and that is the chance of complications with this pregnancy are so much higher than a singleton, I don't think I could deal with something happening to my partner or the babies. It's scary to know now that these babies will be pre-term and there's no two ways about it. Potentially not pre-term for triplets, but they're individual babies who require a 40week term, but full term for these little guys we're told is 36weeks, just becuase of room. And that's if they even make it to 36weeks...
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hopes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 December 2012 at 6:59am
I don't blame you for being floored! I would love twins or triplets, but even then in the eventuality I think it would take some getting used to! I can also talk as someone who had to try for a while to have children - you don't sound selfish, all your concerns are pretty valid.

I do think that once the shock wears off, you'll be able to see the positives more, because I would put money on the fact once they're here you're going to be totally in love and wouldn't change things for the world. That doesn't mean it's not OK to be pretty freaked out right now, of course.

For now, would it help to work out how you're going to work around the things you talk about? For example, yes, it's going to be hard work getting three out and about. But with a good double stroller and a carrier like a manduca (I still carry my two-year-old in one from time to time, so it works for oldder toddlers), it would still be possible for one person to take them places. Other parents of multiples will have other tips for making this work, I'm sure!

I suppose as one of eight children, it would also be possible to say I've 'missed out' - while I didn't have three the same age to contend with, except for in the very early days my parents' attention was spread over seven other children. I would NEVER change it, it was great... I'm sure your older daughter will say the same thing when she's my age. There are disavantages, but there are advantages too.

With schooling, on the plus side you have time to think your options over. Some private schools have scholarships, which might be worth looking into. And even if you don't go that way due to lack of income, you'll be able to make a plan to ensure that your kids get a great education.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote LateStarterLorna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 December 2012 at 7:53am
I think from memory, there were 3 ladies having triplets in one year and one lot made it too something like 37 weeks :) You will be under a specialist care team no doubt, so everything possible will be done to ensure your wife and the babies are healthy :) I have seen a triplet pushchair and you can get a quad one too :)

FB is a pain for some but is also a great place for info and support or you can try http://www.multiples.org.nz/ they can put you in touch with local support. The triplet fb page is a closed page, so cannot be seen by all and sundry but when I was following one of the stories, they were amazing support for each other.

Oh and try not to look to far ahead, worry about schools later on, that will turn you grey thinking about all that now :)

Edited by LateStarterLorna - 22 December 2012 at 7:54am



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Kels152 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 December 2012 at 11:40am
Hi Nick,

I am a mother of 3 month old twins, and also have a 7 year old daughter. I completely understand how you are feeling, and I know that in time your worries will lessen and you will be as excited as your wife.

My partner and I decided to try for a baby at the end of last year, wanting just 1 more child to complete our family. I had always pictured having a 4 person family also - 2 kids would be enough for me and my partner was the same. We then found out we were having twins. We were shocked, scared, and stressed thinking about what we would do financially, how I would handle two newborns at home alone while my partner was at work, and all the rest of the worries you have.

Then we found out we were having twin girls, and I have to say we were a bit dissapointed - already having a daughter we would have loved to at least have one boy, but it wasnt to be. We got over it after a while and got excited about having 3 girls in the house.

After a while all you care about is having healthy children and doing the best you can for them. A private school may be your dream, but if it doesnt happen is it really the end of the world? Children can have a great education at public schools, and in all honesty you just do what you can!

People ask us now "how do you do it?" and the answer is - you just do. Yes it's hard and there are never enough hands but you work out ways of doing things that make it easier, you will get plenty of help from the government with triplets, and there are plenty of women who have triplet pregnancies and births with no complications. Our pregnancy with twins was fine, no problems whatsoever and had a great birth at 37 weeks, babies spent no time in special care and we were home in two days. You cant have ANY expectations with these things - good or bad - because you never know what is going to happen, you just do the best you can and deal with anything that comes up.

Your daughter will love having 3 brothers and/or sisters! How exciting for her to be able to help and play with them all and show them off to her friends. Our daughter is so proud of her twin sisters and loves to help and play with them.

I know triplets are one step up from twins but Im just trying to share from my point of view - someone who has had those worries and has now come out the other side if you know what I mean!

You may have your dreams etc and they may not all be possible now, but that's life, things happen that you have no control over and you cant change so you just get on with it. This has happened and you have to make the best out of what you have. Yes you will miss out on things and it will be hard financially, you may have to sell a vehicle to get a bigger car, but you will have three beautiful babies who share an amazing bond and the love you will have for them will make all of your worries and sacrifices worth it. I think it would really help you to talk to a father who has triplets, if you join the New Zealand Multiple Birth Group you will have access to lots of advice and be able to talk to parents of triplets.

All the best and enjoy your new family!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Nick102027 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 December 2012 at 12:40pm
Thank you all. Just by reading some posts on here I feel a little bit better already.

And thank you Kels. I really do hope that what you said about everything will be true in our case, especially with our daughter enjoying her brothers/sisters. I hope too, there will be at least one boy! 5 girls and me, argh! Haha nah, that's the least of my worries.

You're right though, none of these things are the end of the world, but I guess I am still quite young at 29 and I suppose I think that's it for young adult life now. I think we could have had the things we wanted to do as a family of 4 but now it's probably not going to be a reality.
All I can say is that we will be making up on lost time when everyone leaves home 20 odd years from now!!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (2) Thanks(2)   Quote LateStarterLorna Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 December 2012 at 2:18pm
Id like to say WELL DONE, its takes a lot to reach out and ask for help and I would think more so for a male, not trying to be sexist but men do tend to be staunch about things lol Sounds like you are a wonderful caring husband and father, enjoy the future :)



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Kels152 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 December 2012 at 6:33pm
I know what you mean about the age thing - my partner and I are 28 and there will be things that we can't do now with 3 kids - 2 of them babies. But in saying that, we are about to fly to Australia for 3 weeks and will be going camping for a few days there also, this is something we love to do and we want to still be able to do that with our kids - even while we are babies. I think if theres something you still want to do give it a try and you'll soon find out if it can be done or not! All the best :)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Sarah_D Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 December 2012 at 9:11am
Hi Nick,

Im not in the same position as you, but I do understand the shock. We are in our 30's and never considered having a big family, maybe just one. At a 6 week scan we found out we are expecting twins.

Im 17 weeks now and I still dont think its really sunk in yet. I worry about additional complications that come with multiples also, and since we also had a miscarriage im constantly paranoid that something is wrong.

I think my husband came around to the idea a lot faster and he is understanding that the terrible morning sickness tends to take the shine of anything which is why im not 'excited'.

Have you been in touch with your local Multiple Birth club? They have reading material, coffee groups to meet others with multiples, ante natal class and you can hire equipment, which can take some of the sting out of the initial costs.

We also want to send out kids to private school.. have you looked into the different savings schemes which you can start right from birth to get a head start? how about grandparents, would they be keen to add a bit of cash to a saving scheme rather than buying toys etc in the first few years? maybe its still possible?

Good luck to you and your family Nick!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote escadachic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 December 2012 at 9:59am
This is who you'd be referring to, with the triplets Zaylah

If I did it right that should link you to her profile. She might be able to offer you some advice.

Though she hasn't been online on ohbaby for about a year.

I will see if I can find her on FB and maybe you could message her privately Nick, if you are on FB too.

Edited by escadachic - 29 December 2012 at 10:12am

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote escadachic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 December 2012 at 10:07am
Also, here's a link to a website for people with or having multiples.

Multiples NZ

They also have them based on your location.

I'm sure it is a scary time for you. But there is plenty of support for people having multiples. I know Zaylah was able to access it and all the people I know who have had twins or more have also.


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mrs Mac Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 December 2012 at 3:29pm
Triplets would be quite a shock! I don't know if it helps much, but I can help you with one very small thing on your list. One of the guys from Phil & Teds started a new stroller company that makes strollers for multilples. They take up to 4 kids. They look kinda weird, but my cousin has one for her newborn twins + toddler and she loves it. They are called the Adventure Buggy Company

http://adventurebuggycompany.com/products.htm

I suspect the emotional shock is going to be the biggest, but there are probably practical solutions to the other stuff, good luck!
      
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hibiscus Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 January 2013 at 1:40am
Hi. I have twins who are now 2.5 years old. The Twins Triplets or More forum on here is great for support and of course your local multiple birth club. Zaylah has triplets but you would have to send her a personal message which she would get as an email as she hasn't been active on here for a while. She is lovely and would most probably be happy to share her experience.
Mum to 3 girls: identical twins and with a 3 year gap another girl.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Danda08 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 January 2013 at 4:30pm
Welcome to the crazy world of multiples Nick. As the others have said, all your concerns are completely valid, some will eventuate as you expect and others won't even register.
My advice regarding the pregnancy and delivery would be to prepare yourself but don't stress too much about the whatifs. Take each day as it comes.

There is a saying that only those who can cope are blessed with multiples and IMO that makes your family very lucky .
It will be tough, no doubt about it but the amazing experiences and special moments will outweigh the dramas.

Def get in touch with your local Multiple Birth Club for support and resources. You can hire loads of baby items so a great way to save money.
The NZ Multiple Birth Facebook page is a huge resource for parents of multiples (including a place to vent about all the crazy and unhelpful behaviours you'll experience from friends, family and randoms!)I imagine the Triplets page would be the same so even though you avoid FB it may be worth it for the support.

Talk to some other triplet families before making decisions about buggies etc. You'll benefit from their experiences. The few that I know opt for a double buggy and a good baby carrier cos the triple buggies are enormous.

You'll also be entitled to homehelp hours from WINZ which can be used for a nanny or cleaner etc.

All the best and congratulations

Edited by Danda08 - 01 January 2013 at 4:33pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Girese210187 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 June 2016 at 10:36pm
Congrats! By the way I don't have triplets but I'm pregnant with twins and I'm quite excited about it.
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