Nightmare ! (Warning: it’s a long one!)

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   There are probably a few different definitions of the word nightmare out there, but I reckon the dream I had last night probably fit squarely into that category. 

Now understandably I've had the usual bizarre and out there dreams, some explicitly related to my pregnancy and to giving birth etc. 

This however, took the cake. It really showcased how our subconscious can operate completely indepedent of our normal thought processes (in my belief - will expand on that later), and was really quite scary ! The other interesting thing is that my dreams lately have been really clear and vivid, but I have had difficulty remembering them once I wake up - not such a big deal however, this one was different.

What I remember is waking up in a hospital bed (first alarm bell), attached to a monitor and a drip (more alarm bells), and feeling very groggy - like I'd been under sedation. What made me panic (in the dream) was that I couldn't remember how that had happened and therefore had no reason to associate with feeling heavily drugged or being in a hospital. 

I can also remember then looking down at my stomach and the realisation hitting me (slowly) that I wasn't pregnant anymore (uh oh!). Of course, with this feeling of heavy sedation, there weren't any feelings of pain - but then I clicked - I'd had a c-section and my baby was gone. Not dead, I just couldn't see her. THAT was when (in the dream) the **major** panic started, I started to look around but there was nobody else in the room with me, and so I must have hit a panic or alarm button because a midwife appeared (not my own, I don't think, didn't look anything like the one I have in real life and I didn't recognise her at all) and asked me what was wrong. I got even more upset at this, because I thought it would have been obvious, and I started screaming and asking what had happened since I couldn't remember - which ended up with us only going in circles because she thought I knew, and I kept telling her I didn't, and therefore got more upset which she didn't understand.

Things after that were a bit blurry, but I then somehow came to be out of the bed and able to walk around, albeit still attached to a drip. Besides wanting to find my daughter (I knew she had to be around somewhere!), I was desperate to find Roland because to my mind, he would understand why I was upset and be able to explain things. 

Somehow I found her before I found him, and this was the only remotely positive part of the whole thing, that she was alive, and absolutely perfect - I can still distinctly remember holding her and marvelling at how perfect she looked. I think I was sitting down holding her when Roland finally came, but things got even blurrier after that and even though he was comforting me I don't think I ever found out what had actually happened that led to me having a c-section to deliver our baby or not being able to remember any of it. 

The last bit from what must have been near the end of the dream that stood out, was me having calmed down a little, but repeating over and over "But will I ever really feel GOOD about this !?!?!"... Very strange. 

So to me, that was a nightmare, because there were a lot of things in it that had really upset me because they conflict with how things are at present.

First problem: I'm not dead-set against having a c-section, the health of my girl MUST come first, but if I can avoid having one I will. I was shocked that this came to the fore in my nightmare and was really the central theme, since I'm trying to make my mantra at the moment "Whatever happens will happen, and I just have to accept it". 

Second problem: Being in a hospital. Pretty much the same reasons as above, although if I end up having to deliver at one I'm not going to make an issue out of it - I just personally don't like how a lot of things are over-medicalised and how some medical practitioners see pregnancy as a "sickness". 

Third problem: Being seperated from the two most important people in my life. Not such a surprise here really, the messages or feelings that this part represented I suppose are quite obvious. Who *really* wants to be taken away from their husband / partner at such an important time in their lives - or discover that their newborn child is "missing", I think most women would be at least a little upset at this. 

Sorry about the novel ladies, but I've been itching to get this out onto "paper" all morning !! Feels much better now that I've had the chance to analyse things a bit - good old geeky me eh?  

Thanks for listening too, if you managed to make it all the way through this post without losing the plot or falling asleep LOL 