Author |
Topic Search Topic Options
|
SouthKiwi
Senior Member
Joined: 27 November 2012
Points: 857
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Topic: Partner wants to have a baby but I don't Posted: 27 November 2012 at 1:57pm |
Hello everyone! Im new here so trying to find my way around this. I was wondering if someone could give me some advice? Here is my story: My partner and I (engaged) have been together for 5 years. We are 28 years old. We were talking the other night and he confessed to me that having a baby would be the best thing it could happen to him. I never wanted to have kids and he knew that from the day we started dating. I love him so much and would consider having a baby to make/see him happy. The problem is that I don't know if am ready to become a mother, as I said before, I don't really want to have kids but I would do it for my partner. What would you do in my situation? He won't stop talking about it now and I feel so bad and don't know what to do! Thanks
|
 |
Sponsored Links
|
|
 |
May
Newbie
Joined: 15 November 2008
Points: 16
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 29 November 2012 at 10:41am |
I am not sure if having a baby to make him happy is a good idea. Children are complicated and bring with them a lot of changes and emotions. It could mean the end to your relationship if you have one for the wrong reasons. You said he knew that you didn't want kids when you met, so maybe you need to be honest and say that to him. If you are not clear about what you want then tell him. I would definitely suggest you figure out what you want and don't create another life to make someone else happy. Maybe see a counsellor?
|
 |
Bizzy
Senior Member
Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: New Zealand
Points: 10974
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 29 November 2012 at 12:15pm |
yep what she said!
|
|
 |
EmDee
Senior Member
Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: Waikato
Points: 4407
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 29 November 2012 at 12:20pm |
I agree, having a child to make your partner happy is not a good idea, and is potentially unfair on the child (kids are pretty good at picking up on things we don't say and if you never wanted kids then they'll feel it).
You and your fiancee really need to talk this out and if need be seek help from a counsellor to guide your discussion. Adding a child to a relationship add huge strain to that relationship even if the child is completely planned and wanted by both. Is it possible that you'll love motherhood? Of course but it's also possible that you'll hate it and grow to resent both your fiancee and child.
All the best with your decision xx
|
DS 8 DD 6 DS 4 DD 2
|
 |
kiwigal
Senior Member
Joined: 01 January 1900
Points: 1616
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 29 November 2012 at 5:12pm |
Can he live with of the idea of not fathering a child if this what he wants ? Whatever the outcome it is going be hard on both parties maybe you should seek help. Good luck with your decision.
|
 |
SouthKiwi
Senior Member
Joined: 27 November 2012
Points: 857
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 30 November 2012 at 2:30pm |
Thanks ladies. We are going to see a counsellor. I am very confused right now. Sometimes I think being a mum would be amazing but I know am not ready yet. I don't want to loose him because of this and I hope he understands how I feel about it (he says he does but his face tells a different story). Thanks for your advice!
|
 |
Hopes
Senior Member
Joined: 06 August 2008
Location: Waikato
Points: 4495
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 30 November 2012 at 4:32pm |
I think it's worth, as mummydee suggested, having a chat together with a counsellor. Being a Mum IS amazing - and you might realise that you're not as opposed to it as you thought when you nut it all out. I was never a natural with little kids myself - I didn't know what to do with them and frankly, all the attention they needed was sometimes quite annoying. With my own - WHOLE different world (I always assumed it would be... glad I was right!)
On the other hand, there are some of us who genuinely just have no desire to reproduce, and that's totally OK too. If that really is you, you probably don't want to bring kids into the world for the sake of someone else. You might make him happy, and yourself happy that he is happy, but in the long run I think you'd be worse off if you did it genuinely against your better judgement.
|
|
 |
?RayneBeau?
Newbie
Joined: 13 November 2012
Points: 15
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 30 November 2012 at 11:25pm |
May wrote:
I am not sure if having a baby to make him happy is a good idea. Children are complicated and bring with them a lot of changes and emotions. It could mean the end to your relationship if you have one for the wrong reasons. You said he knew that you didn't want kids when you met, so maybe you need to be honest and say that to him. If you are not clear about what you want then tell him. I would definitely suggest you figure out what you want and don't create another life to make someone else happy. Maybe see a counsellor? | I definitely agree with May! :)
|
 |
SouthKiwi
Senior Member
Joined: 27 November 2012
Points: 857
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 01 December 2012 at 9:59am |
Hi all, you are all right. Creating another life to make someone happy would be totally wrong. As Hopes said, I may be one of those people that have no desire to reproduce. I just wish people were more understanding! Someone said to me once "well, if you don't want to have kids, whats the point in being alive?" That was hurtful, not wanting to have kids doesn't make me a bad person, does it?
|
 |
EmDee
Senior Member
Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: Waikato
Points: 4407
|
Post Options
Thanks(2)
Quote Reply
Posted: 01 December 2012 at 3:35pm |
OMG how rude!! No of course it doesn't make you a bad person!! Their judgement of you doesn't say much for them though
|
DS 8 DD 6 DS 4 DD 2
|
 |
scribe
Senior Member
Joined: 23 April 2008
Points: 1306
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 03 December 2012 at 9:04am |
I have a couple of friends who are/have been in this situation. With one, her partner agreed that they would wait until she was 35 (so that's another 5 years), to see how she felt then (she's now 32). She's doing brilliantly in her career and it's likely she would have to make sacrifices if she became a mother now. It's quite possible that your mind will change later on, I hear that many women hit their mid-30s and are suddenly desperate for a child. With another friend, she agreed to have a baby, but her husband agreed to take on the stay-at-home parent role, almost from birth... I think this was a good compromise, because although it is a mutual decision to have a child, often it ends up being the woman who either gives up her professional career, freedoms etc to be a mum, or alternatively goes back to work but may miss out on promotions, and/or does the bulk of the domestic work as well. But I echo Hopes' thoughts as well, having a baby is amazing and I'm sure you wouldn't ever regret it.
|
 |