Resentment towards DH

we dont have twins but we have 5 children aged 10,7,4,2,1 and a month out from having #6. I feel exactly the same a lot of the time. DH does work hard to support us but he is home on sun and from 4pm in the afternoon everyday, but I still end up doing most of the kid/house work. He goes through phases when he will help. What really gets me is if say the dishwasher isnt unloaded he has a mini tantie over it that its not that hard to look after the kids and get everything done, but to date I dont think hes had 1 whole day looking after all the kids. To him me looking after the kids is not earning money therefore is not a job/hardwork. Ive tried talking to him which is when he has his helpful for a wee while.

So all in all I dont think your being unfair and I dont actually have any helpful advice, lol, but your def not alone

i think it is quite normal to feel like this. Im sorry but im not sure what to do about it.

I have spent quite a bit of time being resentful towards Dh because for the first 3months of henry's life he wasnt living with us so i did EVERYthing myself. I decided recently that i just had to get over that because even if he wanted to there was nothing he could change about that as it was in the past.

One thing that helped me quite a bit was i started working on saturdays for a few hours (im a SAHM during the week) and Dh had henry for the day. It gave him more of an understanding for what my days are like.

Maybe you could ask him straight up why he cant do a feed for the girls by himself? I think you need to try and be open with your dh about it as bottling it up and getting more and more angry (this is what i find myself doing) doesnt help anything.

Sorry that probably hasnt helped alot. I dont know if it s normal or not to feel this way but i know i often feel like this

 Aww Kate

Can't say I know how you're feeling personally, but I do know that this is REALLY common. I have lots of friends with kids who have all admited to feeling this way.

Whether or not it is "fair" I think is irrelevant, the fact that you feel this way means you need to do something about it.

 

Talk to your DH, let him know how you feel. Remember guys need most things spelt out to them. If the girls are bottle fed, then it should be easy enough to say "here, take these 2 for a few hours, I need time out". Personally, I wouldn't even ask him, I'd just hand them over, that way he has no opportunity to say no. But then thats just me.

Remind him it takes 2 to Tango, he helped create these girls so he needs to do his share of care. I think you might find he doesn't even realise how you feel. Being a guy he probably figures "well I'm working and providing, I'm fixing up the house, I'm being a good husband". Guys just don't seem to grasp the concept that you don't give a damn about the house right this minute, you just want time out. I'm sure he can leave the house for a day to look after the girls.

 

Organise an afternoon out with some friends, tell DH thats what you're doing and that he can't book anything else for that day, and just go!

 

I have my dog club which meets every Wednesday night that I WILL be going to after baby is born. I'll express milk, leave DP with bub and go and that will be MY time. I have already discussed and planned this with DP so he's prepared for it.

 

Also consider looking for some support groups in your area. I know they are around for twins. Does your Antenatal Group still meet for coffee? Consider even talking to a PND counsellor. Not that you have PND but you may find it'll creep up on you if you leave this to go on.

 

And if all else fails...there is always OhBaby.

angel4 wrote: Maybe you could ask him straight up why he cant do a feed for the girls by himself? I think you need to try and be open with your dh about it as bottling it up and getting more and more angry (this is what i find myself doing) doesnt help anything.

I did actually come straight out and ask him, which is when he came up with his (joking) crap about it being a Mum's job. He knows that I'm feeling resentful of him - I told him so, because on Friday they finished work at 2pm and had a couple of drinks and a BBQ, put on by the boss. I had had a really bad day with the girls, so when he got home I told him I was going out for groceries because I HAD to get out - they were due for a feed soon and he wasn't happy!! And said I can't do that to him as soon as he walks in the door from work - to which I replied I didn't think drinking beer and eating BBQ were really all that hard work.

I think what I find hardest to deal with is that our original plan was for DH to be a SAHD (before our finances dictated otherwise), and he's now decided there's no way he could/would do it because it's too much to deal with...but it's fine for me to do it at the moment?? And that's what Mums are supposed to do, apparently.

ETA: I have always made it clear (even before we got pg), and DH has agreed, that I cannot be a full-time mum - not if I want to stay remotely sane and happy. So it's not a new thing!!!

Edited by minik8e

I was going to say what Stacey said, do you think he's acting like that cause he's a bit scared of the responsibility?

Definitely plan a day out. I have marked all the days on the calendar when I'm off, he knows that there is no protesting because when I'm out those days the vehicle I take is not suitable for baby seats I think my DH was a bit worried but then I think he expected Cooper to fuss at the bottle when he takes it like a star.

Oh and some more little thoughts of mine.. how about coming up with some plans together..

Like tell him that you will give him say 20 mins to wind down after work where you wont ask him to do stuff with the girls providing he does xyz. Ya know, a bit of give and take? then you will both get a little of what you want.

eta: I also put it to dh like has anything you have ever done been learnt in the first attempt, of course not, learning any new thing, which includes anything to do with kids and babies takes practice, the more you do it the more confident and better you get at it. The only reason I'm better at it than you is that I do it more often, therefore you need more practice. It doesn't matter if you dont do it perfectly cause I sure as hell dont lol

Edited by kebakat

Thats good at you allow that but how about having a conversation about that kinda thing so he knows you are actively doing that and then together you come up with something that YOU get in return for doing that kinda thing. Then you can both come up with things that work for both of you.

I would say it's perfectly normal. It p*ssed me off no end in the beginning that he got to have a shower every morning no questions asked before heading off to his job and I was struggling to have one at least every second day.

Being a 'nurturer' doesn't come naturally to men but being a 'provider' does (well it should but some men are just d*cks, who are we kidding). It's a mothers instinct to care for her child and a fathers to go out and slay the dragons and bring home the kill of the day so to speak. So they need quite a bit of gentle pushing and encouragement. It took my DH quite a while to realise that babies don't understand, yeah I'll do it in 10mins.

My DH made that it's your job now comment to me once and I flared my nostrils and said you better be feckin kidding coz if you ever say that to me again you can pack your bags and bugger off until you grow up.

But you get there in the end one way or another.

So here's what helped for us. Bath time was DH's job, we moved into a routine that slotted in with his getting home from work and working evenings if he has to. It's his job he knows it and he does it, takes a bit of prompting in the beginning but once they get used to it I believe men are creatures of habit and will just go into auto pilot a bit. He picked three nights a week that he would give the 10pm bottle and I have three nights (saturday we fight over who gets to do it and have the last cuddle of the day). So on our nights 'off' we can go to bed early or whatever we want with no guilt or argument. More often than not DH and I race each other down the hallway to be the first to pick him up but it's nice to know that we can each have early nights if we want to.
The biggest thing that made all the difference and really helped DH understand and get into it was the weekends. The weekends need to feel like the weekend for both of you. On one morning every weekend I get to sleep in and DH gets up with Harper. The first few times he was a bit unsure and it took all my strength not to get up and take over but then he got the hang of it and he loves it.
And the number one rule in this house is that if one person is not sitting on the couch relaxing then the other shouldn't be either. Work together and then relax together.

Your girls are beautiful and it will fall into place for you. You've got twice the workload as most of us and I don't doubt for a second how trying it must be sometimes.



Edited by Aprilfools

Funny thing is, when I was at home with Isabelle, I resented SD for getting to go out of the house and "have a break" then when we swapped roles and he was a SAHD and I went to work, I resented the fact that he got to stay home and see her grow. Poor man just couldnt catch a break lol.

With number two it hasnt been as bad but there are still days that I feel like im permanently chained the chair with a small child sucking the nipple off my boob and hate the fact that SD gets his freedom (well as much freedom as going to school allows BYKWIM), so I feel for you!

Oh and in "defense" of men, women have more connections between the left and right side of our brain, which is why we can multi-task, its why a man can only do one thing at a time

I'd throw him in the deep end too! Sink or swim and the thing is, if they can't cope, they WILL ask for help, and that's fine because it means they have finally realised that they a)need to know more about their child's routine, and b)will have a better appreciation for your job.

I resent my DH because he gets to go away for weeks on end and have time where it's just him - I'd love a big break from reality once in a while (although I'm sure I'd miss the kids like he does too).

Can't really help other than that though, my Dh does SFA in terms of the kids care, simply because he's never home so there's no point in relying on him. But I have always insisted, that because of his job, whenever he's home I get at least 1 sleepin a week where I can do my own thing (and it is usually sleeping) from 7pm Sat night til about midday Sunday. Unfortunately he doesn't remember to do the dishes and washing while he's looking after the kids but oh well

There have been many times when I've yelled at Dh during an argument 'at least you get to LEAVE!' He must think I hate the kids or something