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JD 
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 Topic: What to say to someone going through IVF
Posted: 19 May 2011 at 7:59pm |
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Hi ladies
I was just wondering if any of you could give some hint/clues as to what is appropriate to say to someone currently going through IVF.
DH and I already have 3 lovely children and another on the way and I don't want to sound patronising or anything. The couple going through it are family members and I want to let them know we are thinking of them, but dont want to offend or put pressure or anything like that.
I don't have any idea what it is like for you ladies and what you go through to get your special miracles and I certainly don't take mine for granted as I have a few people I know who have been through it.
Any hints?
TIA
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JD
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Posted: 19 May 2011 at 8:01pm |
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Oh and we do get on with them, but we are all that close which is why Im finding it hard to know what to say.
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fozziebear
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Posted: 20 May 2011 at 7:53am |
Hi JD,
I read this the other day and for me seemed to sum it up.
http://maybebabyormaybetheloonybin.blogspot.com/p/tips-for-friends-family.html
Each person who travels this journey of infertilty is different but from my point of view all you can be is a supportive friend who listens (as you would do any other time). Know that there may be times when we are sad that some people may seem to have to easy on this front but that doesn't mean that we are not happy for you. Just continue to be the friend that you are :D Just doing this shows that you care for your friend and that is all that anyone can ask for.
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SunshineWife
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Posted: 20 May 2011 at 8:28am |
Hey JD, I also found this section on fertilityorg.nz quite helpful - it's for friends and family, explains what the couple feel, what they are going through, how their behaviour might change etc...have a read, hopefully it'll give you some ideas FertilityOrg
One thing I'd say NOT to say is 'I'm sure it'll work for you', 'you'll be fine', 'i know you'll get pregnant'.
I know people are trying to sound positive and supportive, but for someone who has been TTC for a long time and especially after a failed IVF you just don't want to hear it anymore because you know that nobody 'knows' and nobody can 'be sure' that it'll work.... so maybe be careful with such statements... Just tell them you're thinking of them and you're there if THEY ever want to chat or share stuff...but you're not gonna ask them directly, it should be up to them to decide what to share and when....
In saying that I think even I would find it hard to choose the right words if my friends were going through infertility...and that's from someone who's had a failed cycle already and been trying for a year  it's hard...but we do need our friends very very much, to create some normality in this otherwise insane reality. So just be there for them and let them know that you are thinking of them 
Edited by SunshineWife
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Me 27, DH 25 (MFI)
IVF + ICSI March '11 BFN and no frosties
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JD
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Posted: 20 May 2011 at 10:17am |
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Thanks ladies...that was very helpful.
Fingers crossed they have a succesful cycle first go.
Apparently she had her eggs harvested yesterday (I think thats the right term) and they go 5 eggs. They are an older couple which is why they only tried for one year then went straight to IVF.
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JD
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Posted: 20 May 2011 at 10:21am |
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oh and she has endometriosis (sp?)
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lsttcdiver
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Posted: 21 May 2011 at 11:36pm |
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Hi JD,
It shows that you care by wanting to say/do the 'right' thing.
My advice is as above, continue to be what you have always been to them, dont change your relationship with them but try to be understanding when maybe you dont get the answer or response you were looking for.
Infertility is a hard road and there is no doubt that it changes people.
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lsttcdiver
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Posted: 21 May 2011 at 11:46pm |
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Hi JD,
It shows that you care by wanting to say/do the 'right' thing.
My advice is as above, continue to be what you have always been to them, dont change your relationship with them but try to be understanding when maybe you dont get the answer or response you were looking for.
Infertility is a hard road and there is no doubt that it changes people.
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Kazper
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Posted: 22 May 2011 at 10:59am |
Wow I think it is awesome you have gone out of your way to ask people in similar situations to your family/friend which alone shows how much you care.
I'm with what the girls above said. Just being there when they need it. May be also expect mood changes. They could be ok one minute, but not the next and you may not understand why they are that way, its just my experience that you go through phases of coping and other days your not and can be quite short or distant. Just continue to be there and know your friendship is valued
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tischler
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Posted: 23 May 2011 at 7:59pm |
JD - I think it's awesome that you are seeking advice. Please know that the fact you want to ensure you are doing/saying the right thing means that you will do/say the right thing.
You may find that any time you or someone else you know announces a pregnancy, your family/friends going through infertility may go quiet for a time. We all usually try to keep our jealousy/sadness to ourselves as we really and truely are happy for those who conceive. Just be there, just be you, it sounds like you're just the right kind of person to be supporting your family/friends.
Good on you 
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5 IVF/ICSI Cycles - 10 embryo's, 8 transfers, all BFN's.
Our journey to parenthood is over, and we join the unfortunate many for whom IVF does not work.
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amalyse
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Posted: 13 June 2011 at 11:40pm |
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It's so hard announcing pregnancy to people you know are having fertility problems. We had this last year... and we were overjoyed... and of course I can just imagine how hard it would have been. It's just really unfair I think?
Anyway, this thread has been really helpful in understanding how to "be"...
I just really want to be there for people I know going through this - but I don't think I can ever be there for them like I want to be... not like other people who share the same experience can be? I think there's such a common bond and emotion/feeling there... I just really really want it for them and you all.
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What to say to someone going through IVF
