How not to be just a spectator

Hey everyone. It's cool to be here. My dearest wifey is quite solidly addicted to this site and it seems like a cool place to get advice.

I'm a daddy to be, due in June 2007. Right from the outset, I've decided I don't just want to be a spectator through the pregnancy process. There's plenty of stuff I've found on the web about how best to do this. Some of it is really useful while other stuff is just common sense (talk about your feelings together, spend quality time together, go for walks etc). One thing I haven't found anything about is something that's kinda plagued me for a while now.

Now... you gals are probably all gonna think I'm mad when I say this, but I am kinda "jealous" that I'm not gonna get to give birth. Yeah there's all the pain and needles, plus all the morning sickness and constantly looking after yourself that you go through along the way, but to me, giving birth is such a special moment in one's life and it just sucks that by being a guy, I'll never get to experience the same feeling. It must be such a feeling of accomplishment, and I can imagine lots of people feel a sense of pride in themself that they've never felt before.

I'm a bit weird in that through my whole life, I have hated 'missing out' on stuff. I guess this classes as another example, to my mind.

What I was wondering is, are there any dads here who have been through this process like I am going through? Or perhaps mothers whose partners did. I'd imagine it can't be all that unusual for a guy to feel a real sense of 'second best' at a time like birth. I'd love to hear from anyone who might have some advice to give. A friend of mine (who is a dad to three) said that he got it big time with their first child, and he got around it by going to every pregnancy-related appointment his wife went to. He tried to involve himself as an integral part of the pregnancy process. Apparently, it worked for him. I'm just interested to hear from others on this subject.

Thanks
Richard

ohhhh thats sooo cool u want to take part i applaude you on that! Where did u get taught this? Id love to send Hubby along But in all seriousness just be there for her she will get emotional and upset sometimes aswell as bitchy and moody, perhaps attend all appts she goes to!!

It truely is an amazing experience and im so excited for you both hehe

Thanks to both of you for your replies. I think I'm figuring out what I need to figure out (if that makes any sense). I need to work out something I can do that, without it, there would be no baby. Arguably, I've already done that.. but that's not quite where I see it ending! I know a lot of places let the dad cut the umbilical cord, but anyone could do that. Sure, I can give support, and I thoroughly intend to. I already feel a strong sense of 'duty' to look after Stacey, even after knowing she is pregnant for less than a week. But if I vanished tomorrow, there'd still be a baby. If she vanished tomorrow, there wouldn't. That's the part I need to figure out. What can I do that, without it, there would be no baby.

Hmmmmmmmm!!

I'm sure this is probably a riddle with no answer that the creator of childbirth invented just to keep men busy while their women deal with the stresses of pregnancy free of distractions! But there has to be some stuff I can do where I feel like I'm doing something more than just 'playing a part'.

ps I just see Aimee wrote me a post while I was writing mine, so thanks so much to you too! I guess in a way being there during labour is something that could make me unique. hmm

Edited by Daddy2b

its lovely that u want to be such a part a big part of your childs life from the start,it doesnt matter what u do, or dont do...you will be that childs daddy! and he/she isnt going to love you any less than mum because she got the "joy" of labour but because you will be the most important man in their life, and they will be looking up to you and learning important lessons from you.

I know its not exactly the same but even doing something like writing a journal for your baby to read when he/shes bigger about YOUR side of the story in the weeks of pregnancy and the birth would be something really special.
All children want to feel is loved, i dont love my mum more than my dad because she went through childbirth for me, i love her because shes always been there for me and i love my dad for the same reason-parenting isnt about who did more physically but how u can work as a team to do all you can emotionally

hope that makes sense!..and congratulations!

First of all - Good for you Richard! Most blokes are scared of the unknown and just hide under a rock for 9 months
Don't ever think of yourself as "second best" as they say "it takes two to tango" and you wouldn't be having a beautiful baby without BOTH of you, your job doesn't stop after the conception. There's the back rubs, shoulder to cry on when the moods and tears set in, craving shopping, endless bangs on the toilet door because she needs to go NOW lol

My hubby (and Mum - both were my Birth Partners) came to all of the Antenatal classes and hubby came to all of the midwife appointments and scans etc and we both read the preggy books. Helps to understand exactly what is happening in that ever increased waistline (her's not yours )

We ended up having a C-Section delivery, but maybe you could have in your birth plan to catch the baby and be as "hands on" throughout the labour as the Midwife can allow?
I know that there was no way that I would have been able to cope with my labour if my Hubby hadn't been there to hold my hand and keep me calm through the whole thing (oh, and my mum of course).

Good luck Richard. I hope you check in every once in a while, would be interesting to hear about a blokes perspective
   

Yay for Husbands like you Richard! And congratulations on being a Daddy to be!

I was going to suggest the same as Toni and some of the others. Going to all the classes and appointments with your wife will make the pregnancy something you are both 'doing'.
Maybe you could look into renting a doppler for at home so that you can listen in on Bubs whenever you like?

If you express to your midwife how much you want to be an integral part of the labour, I'm sure she will be happy to involve you as much as she safely can. My little brother gloved up and 'caught' his daughter, giving him the very first cuddles. He is so proud of that and his daughter talks about how he 'got her out of Mummy's tummy'.

For me, during labour having my husband there holding my hands and rubbing my back was invaluable and genuinely helped with the pain. He kept me going and made me feel safe. During the delivery stage he held my leg and let me know what Bubs was doing. The look of excitement on his face as he watched the baby appear gave me more strength to push.

I hope this helps, and congratulations again! All the best for a happy and healthy pregnancy!


Edited by caraMel

I second what Aimee said. I couldn't have got through giving birth - or the pregnancy in fact - without the loving support of Peter (my hubby). Also after giving birth and being at home, without his help I wouldn't have managed at all. He has been there to help and support right from the word go. Helping with all aspects from nappies to b/fing.

What helped us was going home from the hospital as soon as we could (Joey was born at 12.30am and we left the hospital at 2.30am) and being a family unit at home. Peter wouldn't have been able to stay with us at the hospital but we both felt we wanted to be together so decided on going home straight away.

Richard - There are some things that a woman has to do on her own and giving birth is probably the hardest but also the most rewarding one of them. I understand that you feel a sense of "missing out" but try not to make this about you. Realise that there are some things that noone can change and just do your best to be there every step of the way. Stacey has to and will get through this by herself and it is a huge achievement for every woman, make sure you honour that and let her know how proud you are of her. Let it go. Know that you will be just as important in your baby's life.
Good on you for being such a supportive and loving daddy to be!

....wow Richard....its nice to see a hubby that involved!!

Hubby and I were having some problems in the middle of my pregnancy and he was very distant and I felt like I was doing this all by myself. Tho he was over the moon when we found out that we are pregnant. At the end of it tho my hubby was back on track ...he was there for me and was understanding when I needed to cry or vent and all the other weird stuff pregnant ladies go thru....he was there with me for the whole 48 hours of labour and was very supportive and strong (tho I know he was so scared and worried inside). I had a C Section and he got to hold the baby first...he was sooooo proud and emotional.....it meant alot to him that he was the first one to hold her!

He still feels like he is the second best because Zaara is B/feeding and is always attached to me....when she is upset she wants me. But I feel envious of him...because she never laughs or smiles with me the way she does with him. She loves him to bits and plays with him better than me....some days I feel like if I didnt have the boobies she wouldnt care if I am there...LOL.

You have no idea how important you are in your childs life. At days you might feel like the second best but honestly.... you are soooo wrong!!

Enjoy the pregnancy with her, support her and be there for her. You play a very important part in this process. She might not tell you this.....but with out you she could perhaps manage and give birth ...but with you she will enjoy this experience and have not only a baby but a family!

Good luck to you both!

Thanks...its not often I put on my intelligent sweet hat on....

wow, I can't beleive any guy has gotten up the courage to actually post on here. Well done!   First of all congrats on starting what is going to be the most wonderful emotional journey you have ever made.. and it will never stop. I'm Janine, we live in Palmy too and i have briefly met Stacey at one of our palmy meet-ups a while back. We have 2 girls, Paris who is 3 and Ayja who is 16 months. Anyway, for my hubby, there was not much i could do the first time round to get him interested as such, because i think he felt the same in some kind of way, as you do - that it would happen anyway whether he was there or not, it was out of his hands. But after a few times hearing the heatbeat, and seeing the scan I saw him change, and especially the first time he had his hand on my tummy when Paris just started kicking and kicking away at him - that was so special. So while yes, we get to do the incubator part you are important too - an incubator is no good if it isn't kept in good running order.. lol and that's where you come in - because without you, helping Stacey along, giving her support, putting up with the mood swings, going out at 2am to buy cocoa pops/pickled onions/pineapple, (lol whatever she's craving), sure, she'll suvive, but not in as good a working order as if she has you... I spose you can think of your job as the maintenance man!

Anyway for Mike - the first birth was interesting i think - he pretty much went back to sleep on the couch till we left the house, and then sat over in the corner of the room looking very very white once we got to the hospital. Once his little girl was born though it all kinda came flooding to him i spose - that moment, when he first held her made him realise just HOW important he was.

for the 2nd preganancy he was so much more attentive,he was there for me during the short intensely painful labour i had,constantly making sure i was ok (and even though at the time i felt like telling him to sod off.. it was nice to know he was there) he even had to help deliver Ayja, which the "1st-time dad michael" could not have done 2 years before hand.

For me, it has been so special, seeing this guy who originally never wanted kids, being turned to mush and wrapped around his little girls fingers.. they come first, I felt a little second best after i had PAris - because first time motherhood is full of all these new feelings - you wonder is you are doing things right, you wonder how you should be feeling, and for me because of some probs, i didn't bond with Paris as i should have - but Mike did, and that bond is so fierce that it still hurts me a little sometimes - i know know how he feels though as i was the one that had that bond with Ayja.. where mike has had a little more trouble 2nd time round adjusting to the fact that the love he has for his first daughter won't be halved.. that the heart makes room for more.

Fatherhood changes you in ways that you will never quite understand.   Well done on wanting to be involved and play a part in it.

Edited by mum2paris