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When couples you know break up

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Vanillabean View Drop Down
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    Posted: 01 October 2010 at 6:44pm
A good friend of mine may be breaking up with her long-time partner. They have three kids and I always saw them as a really solid happy couple who were my role models for making a long term relationship work.

I am at the stage when I am building my family. I want my relationship to last (both me and my partner had our parents split when we were children). I want to raise children with my partner. I hate it when I see other previously stable couples falter. How do you cope knowing that so many relationships don't work out?
5x mc, Jan 08, June 08, Nov 08, May 09, April 11


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wellymummy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote wellymummy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 October 2010 at 7:15pm
Sorry, cant shed any light on this as I am this couple. my husband and I were(I thought) very happy and solid, and always thought some of our friends relationships were much more dysfunctional than ours...only for him to walk out and our marriage end.
So I am a bit disillusioned.

I guess I would say jsut never take anything for granted, be thankful for everything, and always jsut think what can you do to make things even better, as you never know when the dream may end.
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mollycat View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote mollycat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 October 2010 at 9:07pm
Oh my gosh - I have been thinking this EXACT same thing over the last week. We're at the age where several of our friends are breaking apart and where I see people that have separated and I got to wondering, how does a couple that was solid and happy go through a pregnancy, raise a wee baby and talk about having another only to separate a couple months after that? I say that not at all in a condescending manner but in sincere wonderment. I couldn't imagine having to go it alone or to not putting in a huge amount of work trying to save it. I have incredible respect for single mothers!

I think you have to go forward as a happy couple. If you walk around thinking that a disaster is around the corner you might be prone to sabatoge the whole thing. I think you have to be honest with your partner - talk about it, write things down. I just recently wrote my DH a list of things I wanted him to improve and things that I wanted to improve about myself. We always seem to get in a fight or a defensive stand off if we just talk it out but this way I got things across and we've really started to try to work on things together. Like for instance, I didn't put on his "to improve list" stuff like "get a 6 pack" LOL but things like "no computer/TV between 6 and 7 at night so we can do family activities". I felt like we were just falling in a rut and one day we would look around and think "is this all there is??"

Also, and this one I struggle with is that you need to work not only as a couple but 2 individuals as well. You need to have things that you do alone, your own friends, activities that you enjoy instead of relying on doing everything as a couple cause you can really start to lose yourself that way (as I've recently looked around and discovered).



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Shelt View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Shelt Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 October 2010 at 9:18pm
Speaking as one side of a previously happy couple who separated when our girl was 11 months old I can see where you are coming from. Even when it was happening to me I couldn't believe we could go from planning for baby and having baby to going our separate ways. I will say though that our months in councelling taught me that we had elephants in the room - I thought we were reasonably happy but we were ignoring our issues. When the pressure was put on us things fell apart. You can only paper over the cracks for so long. Also, a lack of shared interests, which started before I got pregnant but got worse when I was preg and couldn't go out and do some of the stuff he wanted to do, lead to us growing apart. We ended up with nothing in common and issues we couldn't solve despite working on it with the help of a councellor.
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monikah View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote monikah Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 October 2010 at 10:55pm
yea i wonder the same thing. i think it makes be much more aware of things though. i try so hard to make sure i tell DH how much i appreciate him all the time and make sure we do heaps of stuff that has nothing to do with kids so our relationship is still ours if that makes sense. we talk everything through and hang out heaps instead of crashing on the couch once the kids are in bed and everything is done. we still have heaps of seperate friends to so we dont feel like we are only round each other all the time.

by all means i dont think it means it will work or anything like that. im way too much of a realist for that but i feel like we do all that we can and have to take each day at a time and try and remember not to take each other for granted and deal with things as soon as they pop up.

we are lucky. we have only had 1 couple divorce out of all those we know so we arent terribly surrounded by it. DH doesnt beleive in divorce but i think if we were that miserable he would change his m mind so i cant take anything for granted :(


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Shezamumof3 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 October 2010 at 12:37pm
My husband and I had a really solid relationship before we had kids, when our son was born a few cracks started, but we worked through them, then when our daughter was born only 14 months later the sh*t hit the fan basicly.
She had terrible reflux and I went through PND and anxiety and it neary ripped us apart, and only now after weeks of hard work and talking we are back on track.

I can totally see how things can go pear shaped having been there, I nearly walked out on my husband, I didnt really want to, but at the time I thought it was my only option when it wasnt(for us I mean) - I needed to admit that i had a problem and so did he! Once we got to the bottom of it we started working on things.

Nowdays I always make sure I talk to him about how Im feeling, so he knows, and he is trying hard to help out more to take the load off me, and I am trying to keep my issues under control, and its been working for us

Edited by Sheza
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote caliandjack Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 October 2010 at 2:29pm
I'm at that age in life when a lot of my friends have been married had the kids, divorced and are now onto their second marriages and more kids.
My brother included. Maintaining relationships with both sides has been important, I have an ex-sil and two nieces who I adore and keeping contact is important as is forming a relationship with my brother's new partner.

Dh and I don't do anything in a hurry its taken us 10 years of being together married for the last 3 to finally have our family. If anything I feel closer and stronger in my relationship with him than I have done before.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Emmecat Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 October 2010 at 6:49pm

Hmmmm it's a good question and even the most solid relationships can be tested sorely by a new baby....  Ours certainly was and continues to be lol.

I think keeping communication open between the two of you and also remembering that you're not 'just' Mum and Dad, but 2 individuals with their own needs and wants etc. I know I have fell into the trap many tiems of forgetting this, it's all too easy when baby is so time consuming.

I also don't show my appreciation nearly enough nor do I remember that I am still young (ish) lol and not a complete bush pig lol so ought to keep that side of things up iykwim? I don't mean dressing in high fashion etc but probably DF would like to see me in something occasionally aside from jeans/trackies and a grubby top with my hair in a pony tail and no makeup hehe. I guess most importantly is you need to keep putting yourselves first asa  couple cos if you don't keep that side of things alive (and I'm not just talking about sex), then you're not modelling good relationships for your kids.

And on that note, I am off to practise what I preach!!


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote bun_in_the_oven Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 October 2010 at 8:17pm
find quality time together

get time to yourself.. a walk, your nails done, some time to reflect and relax

Talk talk talk and talk some more with each other... and LISTEN !!

Sex.. its a big one.. take the time to cuddle or make love its important.

My DP and I have recently had 6 weeks of couples councelling, its been a rough 18 months for us.. we have had enough stress to test the most solid couples including death of a family member, having a baby, buying a house and finding a new job.

we realise we both love each other and sometimes you just need to skills to communicate, talk through and appreciate each other. BUT if your not both 100 percent committed it will never work.

relationships need time and love

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote bun_in_the_oven Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 October 2010 at 8:18pm
Oh and I forgot to add..

together we would read a chapter (out loud) from
"Love in the real world" by Rhonda someone.. its a kiwi lady.. and its awsome - not too wishy washy or full of full of crap
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote JessDub Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 October 2010 at 7:52am
Just wanted to put out there that you can have 6 free relationship counselling sessions (per year) through the family court. You can phone your local court for details or look online.

DH and I had a couple of sessions to get back on track and it was great. Just admitting we needed some outside perspective and help was a huge leap forward.

I find it ironic how we service our cars and maintain our homes etc but rarely make time to work on our relationships.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote myonlineself Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 October 2010 at 3:08pm
I wanted to say also, after seeing a couple I thought were the most rock solid ever decide to go their seperate ways, that it pays not to compare your own relationship with how you perceive others to be. Its easy to look at other people and wish your relationship was as good as theirs because of x, y and z things you see about their relationship looking in.

Sure if there are things you are unhappy about in your relationship then its good to try work on them, but don't assume that everyone else/other people have better relationships than you do, because its definitely been brought home to me, that what you see from the outside is not necessarily a true indication of a couple's relationship.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrsH Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 October 2010 at 8:51pm
That's so true.

On the flipside, DH and I were, only a few months ago, congratuting ourselves and feeling smug on our successful relationship and how other couples we know will never last..... Little did we know that a bit of a blow up was around the corner.....

Don't get lazy and don't take each other for granted.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Natalie_G Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 October 2010 at 9:17pm
There can be alsorts of things that can lead to a break up. For DH and I it was more about him wanting to get help to put things that happened to him in his past behind him. Its going to take years and there maybe divorce in the works.

We still love each other but he couldn't be the husband and father he wanted to be while he sorted himself out.

I hate being alone with a child I would give anything to have my family back even if it means moving to France where he may end up.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hopes Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 October 2010 at 6:39pm
Originally posted by JessDub JessDub wrote:

I find it ironic how we service our cars and maintain our homes etc but rarely make time to work on our relationships.


*Like*

I can so see how babies can be hard on relationships. With a lack of sleep, and such a lot of sudden changes, it's a big deal.

On an related note... DH was told in the morning tea room at the company he is doing his PhD with that the last two PhD students they've had have ended up divorced due to the stress involved. What have we done - we've got a PhD AND a baby

Edited by Hopes

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote minik8e Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 October 2010 at 10:36am
When I left DH, and people started to find out, the general opinion/thought was - but why? You guys seemed so happy!! To be totally honest, what may *appear* to be the case isn't necessarily what is going on behind the scenes. It is a lot easier to put on a front, then to actually show what can sometimes really be going on behind the scenes. We hadn't been happy for a long while, but still put on the united front for other people (and obviously did a good job).

Communicate, be honest and appreciate each other. I like what was said about relationships being maintained just like our cars etc. - it is so very very true.
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