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escadachic View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote escadachic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 August 2010 at 3:31pm
I think I may have had PND with first daughter(Sophie), but didn't realise that was what it was. Possibly even PTSD. As it was a pretty scary birth experience for me. As I remember when she was a baby I'd lose the plot on occasion and once I smacked her and then she cried, like it scared her and then I started bawling, as I didn't even know why I'd lost the plot and hit her. I used to spend what seems like a lot of her life yelling at her and I really don't know why, as she was really well behaved. I think becoming a Mum was a big shock to the system, though I really wanted a baby.

I've had a few crappy days recently. I said to DP, I get why people who are stressed, financially and otherwise and don't see a way out commit suicide, as it seems like an easy out. I did tell him, I was just seeing how people could go there, but I don't plan to go there. It probably worried him. He really doesn't understand PND or depression though. The other day, I'd been getting really annoyed at older child and though I was being mean and grouchy, she still wanted a hug and then I felt like utter sh*t and wanted to go cut myself    I hate that feeling. I've felt that low a few times in the last few days. Just before I was yelling at Annabelle and telling her to just shut up and get over it already. I think she was overtired. I was just hungry and have a real sore back and am generally not feeling good. But still, I wish I wouldn't get pissed off at her like that. It's not a good feeling    It seems like MMH are actually finally acknowledging how depressed I am and how I'm really not coping. I think due to me saying I wanted to punch Sophie in the face and only not doing it because I was driving and how I'm worried about really wanting to hit her, though I didn't. But I said, I couldn't say whether I would or wouldn't have done it if I'd not been driving. I think when they think it's just a thought you are having, they don't take it seriously. But when she got that I was worried and felt like I really could've done such a thing, she woke up to the fact that I really need more support. I was having a bit of a crap day when she saw me. I was getting really defensive. Like she said that some of Sophie's behaviour is environment and I got bit*hy and said, it's not all me, a lot of it is troubles at school and her development being delayed, so stop putting all the blame on me!    I was also saying, her Dad being really slack at seeing her really doesn't help. I am very honest with MMH and PND phone support these days and let them know how I really truly feel. Like how I've never really been keen to do activities with Sophie that people suggest and I feel like a really crap parent and how due to her bad behaviour it's really hard to want to spend one on one time with her and also sometimes I just wish I could give her to her Dad. I think I have an issue with people telling me what to do(it's not them really telling me what to do, it's just suggestions). I tend to think they are saying I should do this or that and some part of me tends to rebel against that. MMH ask me if they think I will be like that towards Annabelle when she is older, but I said I really don't know, as she is only a baby and I have a partner around this time, so I really don't know if I will be better in that area or not. Apparently I'm not the only parent like this, but a lot will not admit to having these feelings. MMH was asking me again whether I would consider medication, but I said, if there was one that worked for me, long term, then yes, but none have so far. I'm starting a parenting course next week, so I hope it helps me. Plus it's refreshing to know I'm not the only one with a problem child. It just didn't help me when MMH lady said a few weeks back, sort Sophie's behaviour now or she will be an out of control teenager. My thinking is, she could be a bit more sensitive and word it more positively, as I hold on to things people say which are particularly negative. Better thing to say would've been 'if you work on improving Sophie's behaviour now, you'll be set and equipped for when she is older and have the strategies to deal with anything that comes your way.' Yeah...I tend to read too much into things and have conversations in my head about how things should've gone or should go and what I think people should say. I over think too much and I often go over scenarios in my head, which may never happen and often find myself thinking people don't like me and reading way, way too much into everything. I'm also worrying often about horrible things happening to either myself, my children or my DP. I think I'm rather anxious, worrisome and fearful. It's like my minds default is negative and like my mind is wired to think of the worse case scenario, instead of good and positive things. It's probably years of wrong thought processes and events in life causing my brain to wire itself this way.

Edited by escadachic

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nathansmummy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nathansmummy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 August 2010 at 10:12pm
Originally posted by 1st_Time_Preggies 1st_Time_Preggies wrote:

I felt the same as you nathansmummy! Talking for that long, and then just SILENCE. I found that a bit funny :-) And yes I don't really like that airy fairy stuff myself, think I would prefer a more social thing where we talk and get feedback.

Are you under Maternal Mental Health? They do an 8 week course that is apparently more practical. Not so much support but actual techniques to use. I was going to do it but it is on a Thursday in the morning which doesn't work for me.

Gotta run, crying baby...


I never answered this! I'm being referred there soon. I might attend and see how I find it. I've thought about starting up my own support group but requires a lot of energy...
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nathansmummy View Drop Down
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E-chick (I keep forgetting the spelling so I'm shortening it!): I think it's helpful to be able to see what we've picked up through our childhood that makes us who we are today and work on those things. But you also need to remember that much of this is "just the depression." A lot of that negativity is not you - it's the depression. If you can grasp that a bit more, it will help to relieve the feelings of guilt that you have.

Sure, you need to do something about it, but don't be too hard on yourself!

I had a terrible day today and I have to say I'm not coping. I don't have adequate support and my DH is unable to give me the support I need. So things are getting worse for me mentally and I am also worried about my son and the way I shouted at him (he's just a baby!) and felt like I couldn't manage today. I need help too. I wish the system would just bloody well hurry up.

So no - you are not alone... and I feel bad about myself too for not being able to cope better. I do really want help but there seems to be not much out there for me
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escadachic View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote escadachic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 August 2010 at 10:41pm
Yeah true about the negative thinking just being the depression. I wish depression was something that could just go away and never come back, but I'm told though it may come and go, it never goes completely. Doesn't help to me told that aye. I like the fantasy in my head better, that says it will go away one day and I'll be happy and positive and no more black dog following me. Yeah I was getting annoyed at my baby tonight too. I think it's just the teething making her grizzly. And here was I thinking I'd just buy an Amber Teething Necklace and put it on and in a few days no more teething worries. I was wrong damn it!    And hey, if you want, rather then calling me by my username, you can just call me by my real name, it's much shorter. It's Kelly. I find chocolate helps my depression sometimes    Pity there is no chocolate in the house. Oh well, I'll just eat some ice cream

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nathansmummy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nathansmummy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 August 2010 at 8:23am
Yeah I totally agree re: chocolate
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1st_Time_Preggies View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote 1st_Time_Preggies Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 August 2010 at 8:41am
It is so hard isn't it!!!!!!! I think people who don't have PND or haven't experienced depression/anxiety etc just have NO idea and will never understand!

I am getting annoyed with my son at the moment too. He CRIES all day long pretty much. Just wants to be held, which is fine but held STANDING, I can't sit down! He is getting his first two teeth, so I understand WHY, but it still gets annoying!!! Yesterday I had enough and took him to the mall in the front pack and he was happy as larry!!!

I am off to family for a few days today. Am a bit nervous cause I have grumpy bum all by myself and have to make all the decisions alone!!! So silly cause I pretty much do that now, but it is always nice to have a sounding board in the form of my hubby. And to have him take over sometimes so I get some peace!

I hope you are both feeling better today.

Nathansmummy, maybe not start a full out support group, but just a meet up for mums, kinda like a coffee group? I would be keen! And quite happy to host
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote amme_eilyk Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 August 2010 at 11:25am
kelly,i hope they up your support to get where you need to be. I also want to say your are not alone in your feelings, I feel much the same as you do a lot of the time except I dont have the baby yet. I find myself negative thinking, yelling a lot and feeling like i need to hit something or someone. it is the scariest thing when you no longer feel in control and feel like you have become someone other than yourself.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nathansmummy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 August 2010 at 9:26pm
Yes it is Amme. I was better with DS today. He has started crawling and I am exhausted running after him - he is into everything he's not supposed to be into (not interested in his toys but in exploring the house) and he is everywhere! So I used up a lot of energy trying to sort out stuff that was on ground level but there are still things he can get into that we need to do something about asap. That, along with sleep deprivation at the moment makes me very short with him. But today I managed and coped pretty well after putting together a bit of a strategy.

I can't wait until I have seen my new GP and have been referred to places. I just felt like I couldn't manage yesterday and had nooo support and no one to call on - that is tough!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote 1st_Time_Preggies Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 August 2010 at 5:13pm
What a crap day today

DS woke at 5.30am, talked to himself till 6am and then started crying. I figured he was hungry, but instead of getting up to feed him, I ended up having an argument with hubby for half an hour about whether I should. He thinks it is time we let him CIO, because apparently he has to learn that he doesn't dictate everything. I so disagree, cause I think he is still young (6 months) and doesn't know that it is too early to eat, or that he isn't "allowed" to feed because he should be sleeping.

Eventually at 6.30am I got up and fed him one side, thinking he might go back to sleep. No way was that happening. So we started our day. I then offered him the other side (he always takes both) and he refused! And has been off all day since. Slept till 3pm this afternoon, and now I don't know whether to give him an afternoon nap or not. I am so unsure of myself today!!!

TOTALLY sucks.
Sorry, just needed to vent
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nathansmummy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 August 2010 at 1:57am
6am is a reasonable time for any baby to wake up - obviously not to us adults - but to them. So of course he'd be hungry. Sometimes men don't know much about these things IMO.

Sometimes these days happen. Vent away...!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote escadachic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 August 2010 at 2:25pm
Annabelle has been being difficult with her sleeping lately too. Like waking sometimes as early as 3:31am or 5:30am and thinking it's awake time and not going back to sleep for 2 hrs! Today I got a bit over her being difficult and yelled at her to shut up. Very loudly    And DP came downstairs to see what was up and tell me not to yell at her. Yeah like that helps! I was like, I'm sleep deprived, sorry I lose the plot sometimes!

Hugs to everyone who needs them.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nathansmummy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 August 2010 at 7:39pm
1st time preggies: did you mean a coffee group for mums with PND or general?

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote myfullhouse Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 August 2010 at 8:55pm
I hear you ladies about the poor sleep. Ben has been sleeping badly all year with his teething, but we had a slightly better night last night so I am feeling a little better.
I have been feeling quite lonely since I haven't caught up with my coffee group in 2wks due to us being sick. Plus I don't feel like I have anyonw to talk to about Ben's bad sleeping as none of my friends seem to have the same problems. Sometimes it feels like people think it is my own fault since I won't do CIO or CC. Mum has been great though and listens when I need to talk.

Ok think I might head off soon and try and get any early night.
Hope everyone has a good night
Lindsey


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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nathansmummy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 August 2010 at 11:27pm
Lindsey I hear you on the lonely thing. Since having Nathan I've become even more isolated than I was before with fewer people to talk to about what is *really* going on in my life and the troubles I am facing. It's really hard. I've always needed someone to talk to for support so I guess sometimes I talk to DH but not nearly as much as I need, and no one to talk to about any problems I face with him! So I guess it gets bottled up inside. Or I'm so busy with being a mum I don't have time to reflect on what's going on inside me.

I love being a mother - I love my son so much - but it is such a huge psychological adjustment for some reason!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote 1st_Time_Preggies Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 August 2010 at 8:01am
Originally posted by Linzy Linzy wrote:

Plus I don't feel like I have anyonw to talk to about Ben's bad sleeping as none of my friends seem to have the same problems. Sometimes it feels like people think it is my own fault since I won't do CIO or CC.


I hear you! I swear all the babies in my coffee group are pretty much sleeping through the night now, so I don't talk about the fact that mine isn't! My hubby wants us to start doing CIO soon but I soooo don't want to    Even though he is already six months old, I still think he is too young to know that he has to sleep through the night, and not get fed if he is hungry!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote 1st_Time_Preggies Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 August 2010 at 8:03am
Originally posted by nathansmummy nathansmummy wrote:

Lindsey I hear you on the lonely thing. Since having Nathan I've become even more isolated than I was before with fewer people to talk to about what is *really* going on in my life and the troubles I am facing. It's really hard. I've always needed someone to talk to for support so I guess sometimes I talk to DH but not nearly as much as I need, and no one to talk to about any problems I face with him! So I guess it gets bottled up inside. Or I'm so busy with being a mum I don't have time to reflect on what's going on inside me.

I love being a mother - I love my son so much - but it is such a huge psychological adjustment for some reason!


Hear hear to the above    I am a talker and sometimes feel like there is noone out there that I can truly open up to. That is why I love these forums

Oh and yes I meant a coffee group in Akl for the ladies here with PND.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Babe Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 August 2010 at 10:54am
Originally posted by 1st_Time_Preggies 1st_Time_Preggies wrote:

My hubby wants us to start doing CIO soon but I soooo don't want to    Even though he is already six months old, I still think he is too young to know that he has to sleep through the night, and not get fed if he is hungry!


We just did CIO with Tyler and hes 5mo. I pulled his day routine really tight and fed him every 3&1/2hrs to make sure he was getting enough feeds during the day (approx 6 inc DF @ 9pm) then when he woke up at 3 or 4am we checked him then left him to cry which took almost 2 hours the first night!! An hour for the next 3 nights then nothing. It was so hard but worth it in the end coz we're all getting a good patch of uninterrupted sleep (DF at 9pm then sleeping through til after 6am) which is really important and everyone is alot happier including Tyler. I don't do good on no sleep it throws the door wide open for PND to sneak in!!
Anyway dunno if that helps but there it is
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote nathansmummy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 August 2010 at 11:19pm
Sounds like the Sleep Sense Programme. I have it for you to read and consider if you're interested... just PM me and I'll email it through to you (need your email address).

But sounds like you might not be into CIO solutions which is fine. There is another thing called the No-Cry Sleep Solution but I don't know anything about it...

A coffee group for PND sufferers sounds great - but would anyone else be interested?
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escadachic View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote escadachic Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 August 2010 at 11:00pm
Man I feel like I am losing the plot more and more lately. Not cool

I yelled at Annabelle several times last night. As she's teething and having a horrible time with it and denying one side with regards to BFing. She's not too happy atm. I yelled the 'F' word very loudly and dropped her on the bed(not in a bad way I mean), just swore and put her down and felt really crap and anxious and just wanted to hurt myself and run away. I hate how I just so don't cope sometimes and get so easily stressed. I don't want to be like this. I hate being like this. I wish I could just stop letting my emotions overtake me and just have some control and start seeing things as they really are, instead of having this depressive mindset, which is very unproductive and not helping. I was feeling rather crap last night, as no-one who was at my place heard me lose the plot and they were all happy and chatting upstairs when I came up. And my best friend asked if I was ok and typically I lied and said I was, though I so wasn't. Sometimes I just lose all tolerance and want to leave DP and take my girls with me while he's not here. I get so anti him sometimes. I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like this. It's seems a lot of us suffering PND want to just leave sometimes. MMH lady says it's no longer classified as PND, it's depression, which she suspects I've had a long time. Well yeah, most people with PND do tend to have a history of depression, it doesn't take a scientist to work that out. It makes me wonder if that's code for, you're no longer classified as having PND, so you can't have MMH visits any more. But that could just be me taking things out of context and twisting what's been said in my head again.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote mummytobesep08 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 August 2010 at 11:27pm
aw escadachic :-( Sorry to hear things are really tough right now. I wish there were something I could do better than sending you s!

I agree, a depressive mindset is annoyingly "unproductive". What you should remember though is that this is not your fault. You didn't chose for this to happen and unfortunately it's not something you can snap out of. You sound like a pretty amazing mum, because you want to be better than this. It can take a lot, a LOT, to be able to change how you feel but even little things help. Right now it sounds like you need a break! And some support and encouragement- so do keep posting on here because even though it feels like it, you aren't alone

That feeling of wanting to run away seems to run through a lot of us here. And yep a lot of our DPs/DHs get a lot of sh!t directed at them too. Usually they are the one adult we see the most and some days the only other adult we see, so it's hard not to take things out on them.

Can I ask, does your MMH worker know that sometimes you feel like hurting yourself? I don't wanna sound like a cliche (a LOT of us feel that way sometimes), just wanted to make sure that someone else knows because those thoughts can get really scary and it's important to have someone else who knows that they are happening, just to help keep you safe.

I'm surprised to hear they said it's not PND anymore...usually it's considered by most to be post-natal til at least a year- some even say 2 years. PND is a type of depression so it's not that different except the funding and services are different- MMH is funded til bubs is 12 months old though so don't worry too much about that yet.

Woops its almost 11.30, I should get to bed. I hope you've managed to get some good sleep by the time you read this and hopefully you'll feel a bit better in the morning. And I have my fingers crossed that miss Annabelle's teeth will feel better asap! Things are so much easier when they're feeding properly!

Hang in there




Angel babes '07 & '10- <3 <3
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