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lemongirl
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Topic: Work-life imbalance (long rant) Posted: 29 October 2009 at 10:08am |
DP has just had the hard word put on him at his work: yeah you are doing a great job but you need to do more hours. Your job is not a 9-5 gig. They want him in at 8 and working until 7ish most nights.
I suppose such is the life of a corporate toady. They've been reasonably flexible about his child-care responsbilities so that he can leave work early some nights to pick up his daughter and spend time with her. But then he is expected to spend the rest of the evening working from home.
The thing that annoys me is that I'm picking up the slack for keeping the house running. I cook most of the dinnners and do a lot of the prep for the nights that his daughter is home because I don't get home until 6 (which is when she needs to eat). I do all the laundry (though DP irons his own shirts most of the time), I make the bed and oversee the child doing hers, I do all the dishes (no dishwasher at our place) and I fit all this in between working a 9-5 job plus an hour commute each way. On the weekends his daughter lives with us, I feel like all I do is make food, wash dishes and do laundry. On the weeknights she stays with us, I feel lucky if I get to sit down much past 9.
Gah! We need a 'wife.' We do have a cleaner that comes through once a fortnight to take some of the burden of housework off me but still I don't feel like I get any 'me' time or indeed any proper couple time oustide of the odd date night or the time we spend going to work together in the morning. Both of those are under threat from these extra demands from his work.
The crazy thing in all of this is that DP gets paid well, like well into six figures well. My salary is really just chump change, so he figures that since my job is poorly paid and pretty cruisy it is right that I should be doing more around the house since he contributes more to the expenses. But I still have to be in at the office as well as the two hours spent on public transport each day. Both of us are tired and exhausted trying to keep it all together and I'm wondering how much longer I can keep this up.
I suppose a lot of mothers feel like this, but the thing that grates on me is that I'm not a mother. Well not a real one. I missed out on all the fun baby stuff and am just doing all the hard work associated with child-rearing so that he can spend some meaningful time with his daughter.
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kebakat
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Posted: 29 October 2009 at 10:23am |
Maybe sit down and talk to him and write out a list of things you are unhappy with and things your alright with. At least with a list you don't forget something.
A couple of things I can think of that might help a little..
Do you own your own house? If so get a dishwasher put in (on that kinda salary its not a huge expense and would save you having to do the dishes all the time)
Can you get the cleaner to come around every week rather than every fortnight then you won't really need to worry about housework except for general putting things away.
I think your DP needs to realise the things you are doing to allow him to have time with his daughter, there should be some give and take there. Like at our house, I cook dinner, he has to clean up afterwards. Things like that.
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lemongirl
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Posted: 29 October 2009 at 10:39am |
Nope we don't own our house, he still owns the house the house that his ex wife lives in so we are renting  However she's about to buy him out so come next week he'll have some extra cash. I've got a pot of money stashed away as well so we'll have a decent deposit providing he doesn't get any more legal fees.
At the heart of the matter is that I would really love to start trying for a child in the next few months while he's talking years. I think it actually might make meeting his childcare responsiblities with the first kid a hell of lot easier if we had a SAHM or at least a part-timer to support the kind of hours he needs to pull in his job once you get over those first grotty months with the babe.
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Nutella
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Posted: 29 October 2009 at 11:45am |
Hmm, can you do reduced hours or is that not really feasible. I don't see that how much you earn makes a difference if you are doing almost the same hours anyway! That doesn't really seem fair. If you are supporting him so much then maybe is fair you don't have to work as many hours (especially if the money you are bringing in is considered 'cump change'!).
I dunno how working mothers do it to be honest. My husband and I were both working long hours when we lived in WA (he still does, I know stay at home being housewife), and it was so tiring. By the time we got home and cooked dinner and did housework it was bedtime...what kind of life would it have been if we had kids as well? Figured life had to have more to offer than that...what is the point of earning lots of money if you don't enjoy life?? Lucky me though, as DH earns enough to support this lifestyle but I think even if we move back to NZ and take pay cuts we will try both working 3-4 days a week so we have time to enjoy life as well!
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kiwisj
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Posted: 29 October 2009 at 1:09pm |
 chicky.
My DH does those kind of hours too. IMO it doesn't matter who earns the most $$ - if you're both working full time then you need to share the household chores. I wasn't working full time before we had C so I've always been in charge of the shopping and cooking and day to day stuff but we have a part time cleaner who came in once a week before we had C and now comes twice a week. If you guys can afford it then put your foot down and get your cleaner to come in weekly to do your DPs "share" of the chores IYGWIM.
I agree about getting a dishwasher too. We didn't have one in our place but we do here and it makes a huge difference just being able to load it up in the morning and then leaving it to do its thing.
Is it possible for you to reduce your hours before TTC? It would mean being supported by him financially but you would be able to work in your "me" time and hopefully also feel more on top of the household stuff.
The way my DH and I look at it is this - he has a v high paying corporate job that he wouldn't be able to do if I wasn't here supporting him at home. He works 8 - 7 or later 5 days a week and often comes home to log back on and do more work
It sounds like you have a plan in your head of what would work, so now you just need to have the chat with DP  Good luck!
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didi99
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Posted: 29 October 2009 at 1:49pm |
Have you considered looking for a job closer to home? I live in Auckland too and used to do the 1hour each way every day, but now work 10-15mins from home and I love it.
Just thinking that would give you an extra 1.5hours everyday and it is much better for your sanity not having to fight that traffic.
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lilfatty
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Posted: 29 October 2009 at 2:26pm |
It made me giggle .. your life sounds like mine, except I have two kids and a husband that doesnt earn anything as he is a student
I do however have a dishwasher (yay) but no cleaner (boo).
One thing I have found better for my work/life balance is to change my working hours .. I start early (hence missing the traffic) and finish early .. so im usually home by four and can do all the dinner prep and other monotonous house duties, but at least by the time its all done and dusted, ive still got some evening left just for me.
On a side note - its usually me that rdt's into work (well DH is usually studying or doing assignments anyway), but we have an agreement that Saturday night we do something together that doesnt involve tv or a computer.
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lemongirl
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Posted: 29 October 2009 at 4:37pm |
My work is pretty insistent on the 9-5 thing. Doesn't matter that I don't do much work, just gotta be there.
I think my DP sometimes doesn't 'get' that I work two shifts, I just don't get paid for one of them (housework). Yet my work really does keep the house ticking over and enable him more quality time with his daughter.
I sometimes get a bit resentful though when he comes home and moans because some random ingrident isn't there when he decides to cook or there is no salad with the dinner because I had been working on chocolate brownies for dessert for the next night. Jeeze I'm not superwoman.
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jazzy
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Posted: 29 October 2009 at 5:53pm |
You sound like a mum, lol. I have a dish washer but no cleaner. I have 3 kids, so I spend my time in the kitchen cooking, feeding everyone, washing, cleaning, running the house & running after everyone. I don't get paid for it. When I was working I had to do everything & go to work, but at least I got out.
Sorry but I could not put up with what you have too. I have a friend that DH had been married with 3 kids, so she had all his kids to look after in the weekends & then they had 2 kids so she had 5, & he just did his own thing.
I would tell DH to sort out his own child, he earns the big $$$, look after yourself first.
When you have children you give up a lot & put parts of your life on hold & sometimes that is hard enough to do for your own child let alone someone else.
Good luck hope you sore it out so you feel happier.
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kebakat
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Posted: 29 October 2009 at 6:33pm |
This may be cheeky but if hes that moany about it I'd just let him do everything for a week and see how he enjoys it all lol
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myonlineself
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Posted: 29 October 2009 at 7:56pm |
woah, I disagree that the amount of money you earn has an influence on how much you should do around the home....
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crafty1
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Posted: 29 October 2009 at 7:59pm |
You need to get a housekeeper, they do whatever you need not just clean. Someone to come in a couple of times a week and do the washing/ironing, groceries, cleaning and cook some meals for you to come home to and just heat up. They will also do any other jobs like collect drycleaning, take cars for WOF - whatever you need.
It's too much for you to work fulltime, do all the chores and look after his daughter. If he has a good wage he can pay for someone to do his share of the chores and you can do your share of the chores.
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BugTeeny
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Posted: 29 October 2009 at 8:06pm |
I'm a little on the flip-side of your situation.
Well, I was, before child.
I worked retail, in a 7 day-a-week mall.
2 late nights a week, open public holidays type thing.
I was assistant manager, so I pretty had to be there every weekend as the manager had those off.
I'd get to work each day at 8am (we opened at 9) after a 45 min commute - 2 buses.
I wouldn't leave until 7 (we closed at 6) or at 10 on the late nights (9pm close).
I had a turn about roster. One week I'd have 1 day of, the next I'd have 2, so I was working 60+ hours a week.
DH works 8am-4:30pm and has a 3 minute drive.
Every weekend and public holiday off.
To his credit he would take care of dinner at least 3 nights a week and he would take me to work and pick me up on weekends.
He would keep the house tidy, but wouldn't clean.
So my days off were cleaning, washing and running household errands that couldn't be done in weekends. I really began to resent him as I was working the long hours and still having to keep the household running.
DH and I often came to blows over things.
Me working too much, him playing on the computer too much. That would help clear the air for a while.
Anyway. Ramble ramble.
Looking back, I wish we'd taken more time talking so we wouldn't come to blows.
So perhaps talking to your DP about how you're feeling might help. At least so you can get on the same page and work through it.
It's tough on both parties, so I hope you can work through it.
Especially once his messy legal stuff is over.
Good luck
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BugTeeny
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Posted: 29 October 2009 at 8:11pm |
Oh, and I agree.
Money shouldn't have a bearing over how a household runs.
DH was on $1 an hour more than I was, but because of the nature of my job (commission plus bonuses, shares, phone bill paid for etc.) I ended up earning more.
That would often come up in arguments, but only as a last resort face-slap comment. Otherwise it never factored into things.
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lizzle
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Posted: 29 October 2009 at 9:47pm |
go on holiday for a week. Let him realise exactly how much you DO around the house/
and gee, I earn a fair amount more than my husband, but rarely think about it. Truth be told, i work less hours than him, but I can do a lot from home.
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Bombshell
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Posted: 29 October 2009 at 10:14pm |
I am your husband...and my work (high paid professional too!) is flexi and i manage to take child to daycare and usually pick up in a 8 30ish to 5 job! most days - once a week or two i kick in an additional 3-5 hours on a weekend morning or go work early etc...and they get their pound of flesh outta me!!! however I have struggled but achieved (i think) a fairly good work life balance - our kids wants for nothing and least of all time with either of her parents.
that said...I suck at housework, so does DH (also highly paid and longer hours etc etc and often travelling) - I am at point (as we crazily set up a run from home business also this year!) of hiring a housekeeper...we NEED it bad!!! there is too much washing, too many dishes and vacuum what is that???? LOL!
I think work life balance is achievable BUT housework does suffer -to me e perfect balance is a good job, happy home and a child who sees at least one of mummy and daddy morning and night! We have achieved that! youll get there too.....flag the housework and hire someone!
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susieq
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Posted: 30 October 2009 at 8:38am |
Yes flag the housework and hire someone ,
and when you can afford nannies some nannies like me do the dishes and the washing anyways and vaccum too sometimes
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lemongirl
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Posted: 30 October 2009 at 10:07am |
The crazy thing in all this is that we only have his daughter 5 nights a fortnight. Theortically it shouldn't be that hard, but at the moment it feels like it.
I did go away for 2 weeks. But at that point all she was eating was processed food which required no cooking and we'd just eat whatever once she went to bed. Now she is eating proper meals, so the workload has increased and the meal needs to be on the table before 6 so she can eat them before the ex calls and insists that the kiddo goes to bed.
Last night she had only taken a mouthful of dessert (which I had spent the last night making) before mummy called and the child was told to go to bed. DP just let the whole thing slide and I was furious that my efforts had gone to waste.
I think DP needs to sit down with the child and say to her 'my house, my rules' and be prepared to deal with the temper tantrums that will ensue from both the child and the ex.
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Blankney94
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Posted: 30 October 2009 at 11:20am |
I didn't want to read and run, but just wanted to say - make you are equal in this relationship. Just because he earns more money than you doesn't mean he gets to call the shots or get out of his responsibilities.
All the best - let us know how you get on!
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kebakat
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Posted: 30 October 2009 at 11:31am |
Unplug the phone then the ex can't call lol. She won't like it but tough sh*t, youre both adults and are capable of getting the child to bed on time without her.
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