I’m ready to talk.

I agree with everyone else.

Just some logical advice maybe...see a lawyer re. parenting orders, GET A PROTECTION ORDER in place and once that is in place, if possible, talk to your landlord about the situation and see if you can get the locks changed (you will probably have to pay for this unfortunately), especially if he has a key to your home (is it in your sole name or joint names?).

Re. his stuff - if you can, get it to his parents, and stop paying for it, especially if it is in his sole name. Yes, you lose financially as a result, but it reduces the possibility of him turning up on your doorstep.

Good luck, and be proud of speaking up. It takes a strong person to admit it.

You are a really strong woman to be able to speak about what has happened. You should be really proud. I ditto the comments about getting a lawyer soon. Good luck - it's not an easy road ahead but you've taken the biggest step in speaking up.

Wow Renee, some of what you have written I could have written myself. I went thru something very very similar for four years.

My advice to you is to get any trace of him out of your house and move. I think it would be best to go for interim custody of Sam while he is in Australia. Go to the Citizens Advice Bureau and use their free legal service. Also contact the IRD about Child Support.

Maybe you should also contact Womans Refuge and get some support from them and advice.

Also remember: You have done nothing wrong. Don't let him or anyone else tell you otherwise.

Firstly, hugs hun and well done for getting up the courage to stop him That takes guts.

With the parenting orders, basically you can apply for supervised visits etc (like with his mother present too if you trust her), which would be the most likely way to go if you are worried about him nutting off in front of Sam.

Secondly, protection order for you. It's a must have and will make your case better for getting an effective and safe parenting order in place.

Also, are you living together? Not that it matters I don't think, but in the eyes of law. seeing as you have a child together and have been in a relationship, you are entitled to half of everything. So he cannot actually take 'his' stuff out of your shared residence without agreement from you. If you choose to, you can fight for half of the stuff in your separation and relationship property agreement, but if he chooses to fight it then it will cost you so you have to weigh up the options. It really does depend how much you've contributed towards 'his' stuff and if you have receipts for the payments you have made. (I'm not a lawyer, just work for a law firm so some of what I've said could be wrong).

But yeah, I would be getting legal advice and putting things into place. Good thing is, he's over there probably thinking that you won't actually leave him so you'll be able to get into all of this before he does. Keep records of receipts, texts/emails, get friends/family to write affidavits if they've been witness to the abuse and you should be fine.

I wish you all the best chick, you and Sam deserve a life of happiness and I really hope you get it soon

Renee! first big big hugs to you and your boy.

Document document document. talk to anyone and everyone who hs seen him at his worst and get them to sign afidavits.

Next I would decide if you want him (or his family) to have contact with Sam. Is he a good dad? could he be trusted?


Ringwoman's refuge - if only for advice. 9/10 kids stay with mums - sometimes that sucks for the dad, but not in the case.

Hey chick,

Been there, got the T shirt. You just described my ex to the letter.

Getting rid of his stuff is the best idea but it's not the stuff he's interested in, it's the control it allows him. If you get rid of that, it will be something else and so on. It is bst to remove anything that gives him more control.

Keep the text messages and document everything including times and dates. It's the only way the courts will help you if it comes to that. Protection orders aren't that easy to get so you need detailed info to back you up.

It will be a tough road but you are making the right steps and just stay strong. Don't allow him to manipulate you. I remember looking in the mirror and telling myself that my he was right and that I was useless and not worth anything. It got to the point where I thought my family etc would be better off if I wasn't around anymore. Very scary stuff and all of it was just so he could feel like the big tough man when he was just a nasty coward.

Put you and your son first. It's going to be a battle but I would go through what I did ten times over before i would go back. 7 years later i'm married, pregnant and can't believe I wasted so much time on the ex and allowed him to victimize me. These things only become clear when your out the other side.

Renee - alot of what you said could of been me and My Ex.... But I KNEW it was abuse I just took a while to get out - for good.

A protection order is so that he can't just turn up when he feels like it - I still have one in place 8 years later for my ex (although we changed it to a code of conduct so he could see child)

Get sole custody - legally of Sam. Just having looked after him all his life doesn't gve you that full custody...

Legal things aside they are the easy part - its the emotional thats not.. I wished i had taken the courts up (my ex assualted me and my DH) on the councilling but I wanted to sweep it under the carpet so to speak to get over it.

As for relationship for Sams sake- I tried that and it was what kept me going back seeing him getting abuse even after i had moved on. He eventually moved away without a word to me nor his child and its the best thing he could of done. Sam will work out himself what a loser dad he has (how sad that sounds) My advise is never speak ill of Sam's dad in front of him - although its the truth it will effect SAm. I have never talked bad to 'child' about dad and what he did etc.... 'child' worked out itself..

Huge Hugs - cause its not easy...

On an up note - there is a light at the end of the tunnel - I am now very happy married to the best Husband (although he has his times LOL) who loves 'child' like his own and we have RHylz together....

PM me if you want to talk more to someone whose been there done that (unfortuanatley)

Well done for sharing your story hun

My sister was in a similar situation about 5 years ago. I agree with what everyone else has said, you definitely need to make a clean break from him, leave while you can. People around you will support you. Documentation is also really important. Keep everything!! In regards to legal advice you MUST get it!! Sorry to sound harsh but, who cares who is family is and what they might do, it isnt going to affect them, they are not going to be on the front page of the newspaper. You need to protect you and Sam! Its about you and Sam not them.

My thoughts are with you hun. Your doing a great job

Thanks for sharing your story you are a strong women to admit that something is wrong now its time to do what is right for both you and your wee boy. I agrre with what all the other ladies have said already. get rid of his stuff, talk to courts etc. Keep his txt messages if you don't want to recieve them anymore contact your service provider and get his number blocked.

Also know that you have alot of support out there in more places than you think.

So how are you doing now Renee? Your pregnant again, are you still with the same guy?