Falling apart

I'm just having me a wee pity party at the moment, I am so over my life. I'm sick of being tired all the time and having no motivation and my poor kids having to suffer the consequences. And knowing that I am going to be feeling this crappy for the next 15 weeks is incredibly depressing.

And the worst thing is, I've got no one to blame but myself. I got myself into this situation, and now I have to live with it. And I feel really unjustified in feeling so sorry for myself when there are so many people out there with REAL worries, but at the same time I just want to go to sleep for a week and forget about my life.

The house is a pit which depresses me. I hate that I can't have people come to visit coz it is such a pigsty. I hate that I pay a cleaner to come once a week and clean it and within 24 hours the kids have got every single toy in the house out again, there are clothes and nappies all over the floor and half the time I can't even do the dishes coz the gremlins try to climb in the freaking dishwasher.

I hate that I'm not enjoying my kids at all at the moment, that every day is about just getting thru the day rather than enjoying it. I hate that the weather has been so nice and I should be out taking the kids to the park and the beach but all I can do is sit around and moan about how tired the heat is making me and how I can't be bothered doing anything.

I hate that the gremlins are missing out on so many things that Maya got just because I am such a mess. I don't read to them, or spend time playing with them, or even cuddle them all that much. I think of them as a chore to be taken care of instead of as beautiful little people with souls and spirits and I hate it.

I hate that I am so tired most nights I can't even be bothered doing Maya's reading books for school, yet I sit up till midnight working and can somehow justify that.

I hate that everyone else thinks I am coping so well. I'm not. I'm not coping at all. People are always telling me I do too much and I need to stop trying to do so much, but I can't. If I don't do stuff, it doesn't get done. I single handedly financially support my kids so if I don't work, we don't eat. There is no one else to look after the kids except me. I have a nanny 4 days a week yet I still don't feel like I ever get a break. I feel guilty for spending so much time away from my kids, and for wanting even MORE time away from them.

The worst part of all is that I made my bed, and now I'm not really enjoying lying in it. I knew when we TTC the gremlins that I was going to be a single mum for all intents and purposes, Willie loves the girls but he's not that involved with their daily lives, he doesn't ever come to Plunket/midwife/school appointments or take time off work to see Maya in her easter play or on her last day of preschool. But I can't blame him, I can't MAKE him do more than he's prepared to do, and like I said, I went into it eyes wide open knowing that he was never going to be a hands on dad. And I have to live with that.

I think most of all I'm hating being pregnant, and all of these other things would seem so much more manageable if I wasn't pregnant. Pregnancy takes too much out of me and doing it for the second time in two years is stupid. I hate that I resent this baby for coming now, that I never wanted to be pregnant again so soon and that I don't feel attached to her at all. I hate that I hate her for making me miserable, and for making her sisters miss out on having 100% of their mummy.

I think I just hate my life

I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a rough time of it Emma, I guess as mums we are somehow expected to be everything to everyone eh? I still think you are doing a great job, despite how miserable you are feeling at the moment. Anything you need or want, you know where I am!

Edited by Pearls

Sounds like you need a day at the spa (or maybe a couple of weeks)

That made me feel so sad!! I feel for you, I have no idea how you survive your life, as I feel most of that with one baby!!

So all we can do is send you hugs (so many that you forget about your problems for a while!!

I think too that I hate feeling so ungrateful for my life. I KNOW how lucky I am, that I've been blessed with three (and a half!) beautiful children which is way more than lots of other people get in their lifetime, but atm I'm just finding it so hard to appreciate how blessed I am.

big hugs Emma! I don't have much to say apart from, I have felt exactly the same way (minus the twin thing) and still do sometimes.

hugs hugs hugs

It sounds like you need more support - and Willie should be expected to step up. Often we go into relationships set in our ways, but people can change. It makes me very sad to hear that he doesn't go to midwife appts with you - that must be hard for you - to not have him share in this with you. Have you talked to him about it?
Would he ever cut back on his hours a bit?

You are an awesome mum and I admire you.
I think you really do need to slow down a bit though as your body is telling you to.

I'm sorry to hear that you feel that way. From what I've read, I'm sure you're an amazing woman and a wonderful mother. I hope you feel better soon.   Your kids are gorgeous! I can't relate to being pregnant but I hope that this coming week is good to you and that you feel better soon.

Oh Emma, I really feel for you. You're doing it hard at the moment and being pregnant is DIFFICULT. I feel bad every day because I'm so tired and useless this end of the pregnancy and I think I should be making the most of this time with DD before the baby arrives, but instead I'm yelling at her and resenting her and wanting a break all the time. I can't even imagine being in your situation.
You are allowed to not like your life at the moment. But also know that life keeps changing and how you are feeling now will also change.
The Gremlins obviously love you and Maya is just gorgeous, you are doing a great job with all of them even though it might not feel like it day-to-day.
I think you are a legend for all that you do and you obviously have high expectations of yourself, which is a good thing and something to be commended for, but also a curse. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Can you take a few minutes each day to just focus on the Gremlins? Even 10 minutes to forget about all the other stuff might make you feel better about things?

Edited to add: Snap Busymum! Same idea, you just wrote it better than me

Edited by Mazzy

Awwww, now I'm crying even more! Thanks so much for all your kind words, makes me feel even more guilty tho for being so damn self indulgent and feeling sorry for myself.

It helps to know I'm not the only one, maybe my kids won't end up in therapy as adults after all. And thanks too for the practical advice, I'll come back to it once my head is in a better space coz I think I really do need to start making some changes in the way we do things. It's just knowing where to start...