Adoption or Guardianship?!

DP really wants to adopt Jake at the end of the year after we marry.

Jakes bio dad is totally not interested in being a father and only pays child support to keep the courts off his back. He never sees Jake unless we run into each other at mum and dads and while he cares about him hes just too caught up in his own life.

DP on the other hand provides for Jake financially, emotionally and physically. He kisses him goodnight, reads him stories, takes him to the park and tells him off. They do yardwork together and cuddle on the couch to watch cartoons.
Jakes only known DP as his dad and as far as DP is concerned Jake is his firstborn child.

I've been making enquiries about the whole adoption process and so far we've been told kindly but firmly that the courts don't look favourably on step-parent adoptions as it takes away the biological rights of the child. Seriously?!! My dad adopted me when he married his mum and I'm so proud to be his kid. Jakes paternal gparents don't acknowledge him to the point that when they were in the country last year they refused to meet him and they tell the ex that they don't understand why he acknowledges Jake as his either. At this point our best option is to have DP added as a guardian but even though we all want it the courts don't consider removing the bio father as a guardian so legally DP won't be able to be Jakes dad.

Am I taking this too personally?? I want our family to be a unit in every sense of the word and I'm actually crying ATM with my perception of the unfairness of the situation! His bio father DOESN'T want to be a dad so why can't the courts respect how we as parents feel?!! I'm so worried that Jakes gonna grow up feeling like the father that conceived him doesn't want him enough to be a dad but the father thats loved him from birth isn't committed to him enough to adopt him! I feel like I've created this stupid situation and my beautiful, gorgeous, funny, adorable child is gonna have to reap consequences that he doesn't deserve!

Am I over-reacting???

Can you go ahead with the adoption process anyway? Maybe you could get a letter from Jake's biological dad endorsing it. I'm sure that would help.

It's worth a shot anyway I reckon.

Ex is totally happy for DP to adopt Jake, even he refers to DP as Daddy when talking to Jake but the courts and adoption specialists have said that all three of us wanting it doesn't mean much at all. They have to have a really good reason from us for it and just wanting us to be a family unit isn't enough, neither is the fact that Ex doesn't want to be a father. They say hes made his bed now hes got to sleep in it. I don't think thats fair AT ALL! Jake should feel like he belongs to the people who love him most in the whole world and that me and DP, he shouldn't be stuck with a legal father figure who doesn't want him simply because the courts decide that he can't 'shirk responsibility' Now I'm just mad!
*sigh* I've just got off the phone to the adoption specialist so I'm still feeling really upset sorry. I also know DP is gonna be so gutted that thats what the courts stand is at this point. He'll probably be with you though Bobbie and want to go for it anyway. He wants Jake to legally be his child and he'll want to do the adoption process whatever the odds and cost I would imagine.
I'm just feeling really hurt and upset by the whole thing and wanted to talk to y'all about it. Thanks for the hugs surfergirl its just what I needed!
I really feel like I've let Jake down and quite possibly created future emotional baggage for him. I think I'm probably being abit over-emotional about the whole thing ae. Breathe Bridie BREATHE....

Hi Peanut sorry was posting while you were. Uhm have spoken to CYFS adoption unit, 5 lawyers and the courts and haven't been given the option of a private adoption. Ex will def sign the papers - he hates paying child support. I've been told the courts have to decide whether its worth the effort then we get investigated and have to do police checks, medical checks, etc and if that comes back ok we get an interim adoption order for 6 months then they check again and the adoption goes through properly.

They seem to have issue with taking away a childs heritage without their consent how PC and idiotic is that?! I'd rather have two wonderful parents that want the best for me than have a name and a parental figure who wants nothing to do with me. Stupid $(P*&^#(^#)(&^#)*^#_(*^&#*&!!!!!

ETA Yeah Freckle I'd have to adopt Jake too. Seems like needless hoops as far as I'm concerned *sigh*

Edited by Babe

Thanks HUNTD I appreciate the vote of confidence I feel way better for sharing with y'all! I like having my very own, rather large community of friends to talk to without even having to get dressed

Yeah I'd think itd be pretty basic but apparently not. Its a bit freaky how out of our control some pretty basic situations are these days though. In NZ we as parents are apparently just caregivers. Legally our children are state property I was horrified when I found that out! It means that instead of us deciding that this was what was best for all of us and going from there, the court has the say.

huge hugs Bridie!! your DP sounds so awsome!!!!!

I read that poem when you posted it in the other thread - it is such a lovely poem  you have a awesome dad  and a awesome DP too   

oh wow that is scary!! (the domestic violence, and the attempt to kidnap) you poor thing!! no wonder you are so concerned with getting it all legalised!!

Fingers crossed (& as my mum would say "nose hairs crossed !"  too) that the courts let you do it!

btw i love your handy tips thread & your new blog website with the tips  

 

 

Just wanted to say that you definitely haven't let Jake down in any way. You've found him a lovely Daddy and a lovely home life. The fact that you're so upset right now shows how much you love him.

I think you're a

Sounds like a lot of legal mumbo jumbo babe! I have a freind whose dh adopted her boy...she hasn't mentioned any problems with the process, but then I haven't probed her on it either.

I think so long as your dp has guardianship so he can make medical and legal decisions for jake if you are unable, then the rest is just a bit of paper.

Perhaps you could have a bit of a 'ceremony' at home with friends and family (or not) and have a adoption and name changing ceremony. Your dp could make a pledge in front of people to be his dad (not that he isn't already)....buy, you know what I mean.

good luck with whatever the outcome. Sounds like you are a great tight-nit family regardless!