Please help, I’m at my wits end :-(

I have a 7 week old boy and I am struggling :-( As I have said in previous posts, he has always been a grizzly baby. I self diagnosed silent reflux (but I'm not even sure it is that!) and he is on 2.5ml of losec. It sort of seemed to work for awhile (but that could have been age or better winding??), and he starting sleeping during the day (he hardly did at all before!) and I thought I sort of had him sorted. Then he started waking at 4am and not going back to sleep. So I consulted a "baby expert" who came and gave me suggestions.

Previously I was already doing a three hourly schedule, one hour (give or take) up, two hours down. She was VERY pro this, to the point where he was "bad" if he didn't sleep the two hours of the cycle. She also said lots of babies are still hungry which is why they don't sleep properly. As I breast feed I have NO idea what he is getting but I found that hard to believe as he is WAY above average in weight gain and was a good feeder. She suggested "topping him up" with EBM but as he is still getting used the bottle that didn't work. Before she came he was feeding three hourly, sometimes getting two naps of two hours during a day, and sleeping from 8pm till midnight or so. Then waking again around 2 and 6am. Once I went on the losec he starting finding it hard to go back to sleep at 4am and it took ages to settle him. But during the day he was happy, and slept pretty good naps.

The "expert" said he should be sleeping longer at night and only waking once between midnight and 6am so to try "dreamfeeding". He doesn't suckle when he is still sleeping, so I had to wake him. It didn't extend his sleeping past about 1am, so I gave up, as I go to bed at 8pm and get a solid four hours which is the only time I do.

Then she suggested pushing his feed times in the night out by trying to put him back to sleep. I manage maybe an extra half hour or so by giving him the dummy (which he only holds on to for a few minutes before spitting it out) and rocking him. At the moment I have him sleeping from about 8.30pm till 1.30pm, and waking again around 5.30am ish. This means I am getting even less sleep as I am trying to push his feed times out by holding the dummy in and re settling him. Now he has trouble sleeping during the day, is grizzly on his play mat (which he used to love), and has started not feeding properly during the day either :-( On top of this, he seems so TIRED, sometimes not even lasting the hour up. I feel like I am in the vicious cycle of having NO idea what I am doing and making a total mess of things. I TOTALLY suck at this, and cry probably every second day out of frustration. And suspect I am mildly depressed as well. It all seems to much as times and I am not enjoying being a mum :-(

A friend has suggested I go to a strict routine (such as the Contented Baby) to see if he thrives on that and sleeps longer in the night. I don't know whether I should. I don't know WHAT I should be doing. I just want him to be happy and content and SLEEP so that I can do things for myself too. I don't even go out (and would love to!) as I spend my whole day either trying to get him to feed properly, or trying to get him to sleep.

What am I doing wrong? What should I do?? :-(

Sorry I am no help but didn't want to read and run. Sending you a big .

I can kind of relate to how you are feeling as I was like this when I had my little girl. I did end up with PND and it did all get better in the end. Hope things work out for you

You're not doing anything wrong love, and I'm sorry thing are so tiring and stressful for you right now.

I'm aghast at some of the advice this "expert" has given you, especially considering your son is still so little - babies are neither good nor bad, they are just *babies* !

It sounds like you actually had a pretty good rhythm going before this person recommended you change things, and I wonder - do you have a partner or family member around for support, so you could nap during the day when / if your baby does?

Do you have a sling? This was an absolute lifesaver for us when DD2 was born - DD1 started kindy when her little sister was only a week old, and we used the capsule for a while but then it got too heavy! If I didn't have my slings I'm not sure how I would have managed (with great difficulty I think).

Also, are you able to feed lying down? When my DD2 wakes early, I bring her into bed with us and we doze together as she feeds and sometimes this gets me an extra hour or so - and means we get up at 7am instead of 6!

IMO regulating feeds isn't always going to work, and besides - babies can't read the clock, they only know that they are hungry and hungry *now*.

Cluster feeding in the evenings is also very normal at his age, it is their way of 'tanking up' if you will.

If I were in your shoes (and this is just personal opinion), I would go in the opposite direction and just let go of the routine - at least the scheduled feeds part. We demand feed here, but we still have a "pattern"... wake / feed / play / feed / sleep... or wake / feed / solids / play / feed / sleep depending on time of day (she is 8mo though).

BIG hugs - maybe you need to consider seeing someone about the depressed feelings and the potential reflux, as you don't need the added pressure - I know just how challenging and miserable it can be when you feel so lost as a first time mum.

As I said at the start - you aren't doing anything wrong!

my advice would be to forget what the "expert' said and go back to basics. try to keep bub up for only an hour at a time tho... night waking is to be expected at this age too so dont worry about that at all either.

if you are worried about reflux then dont self diagnose but rather go to a doc.

it is hard... put housework on hold and just spend the time relaxing and chilling with your bub. it wont matter if you cuddle or feed him to sleep at this age either.

Bizzy wrote: my advice would be to forget what the "expert' said and go back to basics. try to keep bub up for only an hour at a time tho... night waking is to be expected at this age too so dont worry about that at all either. if you are worried about reflux then dont self diagnose but rather go to a doc. it is hard... put housework on hold and just spend the time relaxing and chilling with your bub. it wont matter if you cuddle or feed him to sleep at this age either.

totally agree with this! He's only 7 weeks old for goodness sakes....cluster feeding is sooooo normal and as for waking at night...jeez my 10 month old still wakes for 1 BF every night (at least) and at 7 months was just feeding around the clock!  Trying to keep things quiet at night will eventually help your wee babe realise there is a difference between night and day but that won't be for ages yet.

You really need to look after yourself hun and just attend to the needs of your bubba. Some of these 'experts' make me so cross in what they think little ones should be doing. I know I'm a hippy but jeez, wear your baby, rest lots, sleep when bubba sleeps, feed on demand and you guys  wil totally sort out a rytham that suits you both. (((hugs))) those first couple of months are hard!

Ditto to all of the above. It's bloody hard in the first few months......and you are doing an AWESOME job! You are not alone, I've often had days where I've thought I'm useless at this!

What worked for me was just following DD's lead during the day and don't get too hung up on routines. That will probably come later. I would also recommend waking him at the same time every morning, eg 7am. Then follow a strict bedtime routine, eg bath, story, feed, bed. We tried to do the bedtime routine at the same time every night. As was said above, keep night times quiet, dark and don't even make eye contact.
During the day I often offer DD more around an hour after she feeds. Plunket told me anything they have within an hour is classed as one feed.
Re the silent reflux, keep going back to the Dr to get some real answers. Maybe even try a specialist? Reflux is difficult to diagnose. Also give an osteopath a go, it's not cheap, but if it helps to settle him then it's money well spent.

DD is also waking before her next feed. She feeds 4 hourly and often only has a 45min nap after being up for 1.5 hours. I usually put her down for another 45min nap before her next feed. Eg today she fed at 7am, went down around 8:30am, woke at 9:15, got her up into her playgym etc, put her down again at 10:30ish when she was showing tired signs and she woke just after 11 for her next feed. I also got hung up on the whole 'feed, play sleep', but at the end of the day you just have to go with the flow. Easier said than done, I know

I hope things improve soon for you. Just remember IT DOES get better, just try and relax a bit (if you are tense he will pick up on this), and try and take time for you when he's asleep......the housework can wait!!

Everyone has given great advice.

Will just add don't worry about how long your baby sleeps during the day, just take notice of how he is when he wakes up. If it's been less than an hour and he's crying and grizzly when he wakes then he most likely needs more sleep. Try and get him back to sleep, feed if necessary - don't worry about 'bad' habits, he's too young to develop them.

If on the other hand he wakes up after 45 minutes and is smiling and making happy baby noises, then he's refreshed and you can get him up, even if he is 'supposed' to have slept for 2 hours.

Either way, try and get him back to bed within a hour of waking or earlier if you see tired signs. There is no harm done if you put him to bed a bit early, but if you're too late in getting him to bed then it can be really tricky to get them to sleep as they are too wound up and overstimulated.

I follow this and it makes life a lot less stressful, and makes for a happy mum and baby.

Hi, I didn't want to read and run. So just wanted to say that my DS was like that, and I just went with it. I just feed him when he woke up during the night as it was really the only way to get him back to sleep, let him cluster feed if he wanted to and just kept an eye out for his tired signs. I tried routines and what not but it just didn't work for me. If I was tired then I would curl up in bed with DS so that I could feed him when he woke up and then he would go back to sleep. Oh and he was a bugger for doing 45min sleeps so having him in bed with me was a good way to get him to sleep a bit longer.

At about 8mths (once he started getting around and eating solids proberly) he started doing 2hr naps during the day and often (up till 2wks ago) was having one 4 hr nap a day.

Oh and I second the keeping things darkish. I was feeding DS in front of the tv at night which was keeping him awake, once I started feeding him in the dark and quiet he started going back to sleep after only a few minutes. Even now he likes to have his bottle of milk in the darkend room before having a nap.

This sounds exactly like what its been like for us. I spent a day at Plunket to try to get ourselves sorted and perhaps in some sort of routine. They also suggested the 3 hourly schedule and last week when he had a weight check they told me to stretch his feeds out to 3hourly - this just doesn't work for us. He generally feeds every 2.5hours, sometimes every 2hours. The way I look at it is, sometimes us adults need more or less food during the day and the same with sleeps.

Often C will wake up 30min after having gone to sleep, but he wakes happy and smiling etc so I'm not too concerned. I've learnt to throw the books out the window and take "advice" with a grain of salt. Every baby is different, every family dynamic is different, you have to do what works for you and your baby. Unfortunately it is a bit of a trial and error thing for a while.

But, it does get better. We got to 10 weeks and everything just got easier. He was waking every 1.5h to 2h during the night and now he has stretched that out to 3h or 4h and I think the two main things that have contributed are 1. His age 2. Me, I'm a lot more relaxed and are just doing things at our own pace now, taking peoples suggestions on board but only using what works for us

Just wanted to give you some I so remember feeling exactly the same way.

There is tonnes of great advice here, I really hope you start feeling better soon, try and go with the flow and not watch the clock. One bit of advice I was given all the time was take it day by day, but sometimes the days are just too long and merge into one another so my Dad actually said to me just take it hour by hour instead and that actually worked for me, by midday I had "survived" 6 hours and always felt like I had accomplished something by getting to that point which gave me the strength to get through the rest of the day.

Oh and another thing is when baby is napping during the day, take the 1st 1/2 hours to put your feet up and have a hot drink, watch some TV, read a mag or have a shower and then if baby is still sleeping after that tackle one chore that you want to do like the dishes or something, so you are getting some time out but also maybe getting something done around the house if the chores etc. are bothering you that is, otherwise just relax.