Competitive mothering... (longish!)

Has anyone else ever experienced this? Or felt the urge to engage in a bit of competitive mothering yourself?

I'm reluctant to talk about it, but things have come to a head today, and knowing how opinionated you ladies all are, I figured, what the heck. Lay it out there. See what you think.

My SIL, who is a few years younger than me and is married to DH's brother, had a baby (my nephew) a month before Emma Rose was born. Meaning, we were pregnant at (mostly) the same time, and now our babies are similar ages. Unfortunately, SIL and I don't have a close relationship. Also unfortunately, SIL's head is sometimes as thick as a boulder, so even my asking her point-blank to stop comparing our children doesn't get through to her. She's also a bit of a know-it-all when it comes to child-rearing, and doesn't hesitate to give me her opinion on every single thing I do as a parent.

The latest example of this was today, when she rang to give me a piece of her mind because I left Emma Rose with my MIL yesterday, because I was in a wedding. Emma has a cold, and she was snotty when DH took her to MIL's house, but apparently she got worse in the evening. SIL had come over with her baby, and made a big deal out of moving my nephew away from Emma when they were playing, getting out the anti-bacterial wipes to sponge down all the toys Em had touched, and refusing to put her baby in the high chair after Em had been in it, until every surface had been disinfected.

MIL apparently told her numerous times that she could leave if she wanted to, but SIL stayed put and spent the entire time slamming me for leaving my sick child with someone else, and thereby possibly infecting her child. EXCUSE me, SIL. I didn't invite you over. But that doesn't matter, apparently. I'm a bad parent for choosing to be a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding when my baby was sick.

By the way, DH took Emma to the doc yesterday morning, and the doc said she has a cold, but it isn't severe. We asked MIL if she minded looking after a sick baby, and she said no problem. So we were prepared for DH to stay home with Em, had she been deathly ill. According to MIL, Em spent the whole time playing and had a great time, although she was a snotmonster.

So back to SIL. Besides the usual attack on my parenting skills, she also asked "innocently", "Where does Emma get all these colds? Does she go to a playgroup or something? She's ALWAYS sick." (Emma has had ONE cold before this, and one ear infection.) She also ranted about how my MIL should have called her to tell her that Em had a cold before they went over, because she never would have taken her son and exposed him to my child's germs. This, too, is apparently my fault, for not telling MIL to call her.

I want to go ON and ON about her, because I have a LOT stored up, but this is long enough. What I'm wondering is, when is enough, enough? At what point do I stop playing nice and start telling her to mind her own freaking business? Do I say anything at all, knowing it's like talking to a brick wall anyway?

AARRGGHH! Thanks for the rant, ladies. I suppose there is no help for me! But at least I got it out of my system!

That would be so irritating!

Do you think she would get it if you were blunt with her and told her to quit it? WIth this one I think I would have said something like, please stop ranting at me, we had checked EMma at the doctor before leaving her with MIL, who was happy to have her, you should have gone home if you were so concerned, how I choose to parent my child is none of your business.

I think you need to be honest and shut her up, becasue at the moment you don't have a relationship with her and all she is doing is making you angry. The result of her her listenign to you might be no relationship with her (no change) and no annoying contact outside family functions - a good result!

Well, scattering dog poo in the car would definitley send a message!! Lol!

I skim read this and my first (albeit fleeting) thoughts were that I was surprised you haven't strangled this woman yet - family or not !! But silly jokes about abusing her aside, I can really understand your pain... I am acquainted with someone who is JUST like her and sh*ts me no end, but doesn't ever seem to get the message. Fortunately for me I guess, she's not family, but just hard to avoid. Big hugs !!

Thanks, jax! I wonder if the person you're acquainted with IS my SIL? LOL, how awful that would be, as I would never wish her on anyone!

BTW, I don't think I got to meet you at the Meet and Greet today -- I was talking to someone and suddenly there were all these new mums there! I hope we can chat next time, so I can put a name to a face! :)

Seriously you deserve a medal for not smacking her around the back of the head already. I can't really offer any advice as she seems like a real ditz just hang in there and take heart that you are a wonderful mother. Maybe you should tell her next time that kids getting colds is supposed to be good for them, it helps them build a little immunity against worse ones.

Good luck, hey maybe you should take up boxing and stick a picture of her on the bag!!!

OMG I can so relate! I have a nightmare SIL too. It all came to a head for us when she yelled and swore at me and MIL in front of her children and my DD. I was sick and shocked at the time so just stood there stunned and took it, but it wound me up so much that the next time she called I had her up about it. The rest of the family just puts up with it as she is the type to not let them see her kids but I didn't want her thinking she could get away with it with me. It was horrible at the time- I was shaking and in tears as I hate confrontation soooo much but afterwards I was so proud of myself. She has 'washed her hands' of me which is bl**dy BRILLIANT! I don't have to put up with her phone calls, make polite conversation or pretend to like her anymore. Its uncomfortable but so much more honest than it was before and she knows that at least I'm not a pushover and she can't treat me like that and get away with it.

I guess its up to you to measure when enough is enough. For me I put up with a hell of alot before I blew- she had me in tears after almost every visit.

I get it a lot in the extended family over here about how I raise my daughter. About still co-sleeping and breastfeeding. I thought about it really long and hard and I told myself I have two options. ( I really tried the nice route but am fed-up now).

You can either start totally ignoring it and laughing it off. Or number two start getting sarcastic about it. I suppose it isnt really an answer.

Dont really know what to say I have the same problem at the moment. Just hugs perhaps?

I think no matter what you are going to do she will have an opinion and most propably voice it. So you have to find a way in yourself to deal with the problem as it will always be there. Okay I am making no sense here. lol.

Families do suck, but somehow, inlaws always suck more. At least in my case.

SIL can kiss my arse, I've decided. I'm going to have to get some courage and be honest with her, even though it scares the living hell out of me. I'll wait until the next time she tries to stick her nose into my business, and I'll ask her what her problem is. No doubt she'll sputter and backtrack and mumble and start spouting off some revisionist version of the truth -- she is a great one for warping and twisting what she said, and what others said -- but she needs to be put in her place. Or at the very least, I need to stand up for myself and stop letting her walk all over me like she does to BIL.

You have all given me such great perspective and advice on this issue, which extends to the broader SIL problems I routinely face, and for that I am so very grateful. You all rock my world!

Oh, and FYI. You wont realise how much support you will have from others till you pay her out.