What would you do.....

If you found out your DH/DP/DF had been looking at internet sites of a 'questionable' nature......

Would you have him up about it, or just leave it?????

A friend has just confided that she found some incredibly dodgy sites in her DH's history list on the computer and she's not sure what to do. I reckon have him up about it, but she's not sure it's worth it.

Personally, I'd feel a bit like he was cheating, but she said that she has let him get the occasional dvd out, and he has a couple of mags of the 'girly' variety so wonders if she has the right to get grumpy about it.

What do you ladies think?

Call him on it. I had a situation at home where I found some files that were dubious to say the least and I went butchers stink at DH. I couldn't beleive my eyes for a start, and even though I couldn't imagine DH going into those sorts of sites, I still called him on it. It turned out (and beleive me, we checked it out, and confirmed that this is how it happened), that DH was downloading games and music from a random site, and the files were piggy-backing onto those files. He was so horrified and mortified, and had had absolutely no idea ... and, ahem, also put an ax through the hard drive just to make sure

As for the girly stuff - I have a rule ... I can't stand it, and think it's degrading and all other manner of things, so if I find it, I can destroy it - whether it be magazines, DVDs, whatever. No matter the cost, it's history. But, I won't go looking for it, if that makes sense - I don't hunt for it, I just biff it if I come across it. As he's gotten older, he's gotten bored with it anyway.

Yup I'd have him up about it aswell, especially since he is doing it secretly. To me it feels kinda like cheating. Once in a blue moon my partner and I will look at those sites, more the story writing ones. But he'd never do it if I'm not there.He never gets dirty magazines either, and quite frankly I would never let him ( I feel fat enough, I dont need the thought of him looking at nakee beautiful woman aswel!)
If he's on an adult dating site, well then most definitely hit him up!
Don't let her just brush this aside, he could end up getting more and more consumed with his fantasies and may even act upon it. Nip it in the butt early and she may have nothing to worry about later on

I think if they are truly questionable (as in not the run of the mill "girly" pixs) then she should challenge him on it. But I also think if he is doing it secretly then he is either ashamed of it or knows he is in the wrong and that would be my concern - if he is into that sort of thing then "each to their own", but should be open about the fact that he is looking at that sort of stuff. It might actually be good for their relationship - if he has felt that he has been hiding a part of himself from her and she gets him to "open up" about it - then it might actually be a good thing.

I have a friend (seriously this isnt us!) whose partner is into some "kinky" things. In real / everyday life he is a very straight laced professional guy who is a fantastic husband and father, he just has some unusual sexual preferences. I know he kept them secret from her for a long long time, and was v ery relieved when she found out and he was able to be open with her about it. They have a great relationship and sex life (apparently - so I am told during "girly chat") which I guess is made better now that she understands him a little better.

Edited by SimSam

I think if she's uncomfortable with it, she should def talk about it.
Maybe a guy can give his perspective here but I think men in general look at stuff like this more than we realise. In my old job, I was in charge of checking my boss's emails when he wasn't there and some of the things he received from his friends Like pics, power point presentations and whole mini movies

I'm not really bothered about porn in general.
If it were something that was impacting on our relationship then I would be inclined to say something but otherwise I don't care, as long as it doesn't involve children or animals.
If I were your friend and had to say something about it, I'd try to approach it gently, rather than accusingly.
Some guys get off on looking at kinky stuff but wouldn't want to do it themselves, so it might not mean he's actually into whatever it was.

skipped a few posts so I apologised if its been said already...

HONESTY even though he hasn't been I think she needs to be. Espec if it is bugging her cause it will only come out the nextt time they have a tiff.

I am with ginger in that I don't like it. But most females don't. It is degrading and has no place in a relationship - unless you are both into it. Sure DH probably looks when its around but he doesn't when i am. LOL at least he pretends not to anyhow LOL

Mags etc dont bother me, but the fact that hes hidng it etc is not good. I would talk to him about it, cos she shouldnt have to feel uncomforatable about him hiding something from her. If it was me, I would be thinking,..if he feels like he has to hide it from me,..what else isnt he telling me?! Guess Im just paranoid!

I'd talk to him, I had this with my DF and I was really upset at the material he was looking at.

And Df was really sorry at upsetting me, and he doesn't look at that kind of stuff, but it is what he gets sent by some of his mates, and after talking about it with a friend, you'd be suprised at how common it is for men to look at this kind of thing, and its got nothing to do with how they feel about there partners.

It seems most guys have a porn stash somewhere.

It was the content that bothered her - not just your run of the mill porn, but full on.....

I just spoke to her, and she's way more upset than she was this morning. And she's decided she has to discuss it with him tonight. So thats good.

I just feel really sad for her, as they've had to fight really hard to get where they are now in their relationship, and she kinda feels she doesn't know really who he is at the moment.

edited to remove a paragraph that wasn't really a good idea on this site......

Edited by joshierocks