doubting myself...

possibly long and rambly story coming up...

I have been induced with both my boys, because they were post dates. Gabriel was induced at 42 weeks and toby at 41 wks and 6 days and 42 and 3 days, when he was eventually born. This one is late also and i spent 2 hours at the hospital yesterday getting fluid levels and placenta checked etc and a sweep...and a date for induction.

Now my fluid levels are fine and the placenta is fine and the baby is very happy. lots of movement and practise breathing movements.

They gave me the 11 march as my induction which is one day over 42 wks. Now i am not very happy with that as experience has shown to me that my body just incubates longer and if my babies arent ready they wont come. Gabriel i had to be on a drip the whole labour and it was not that pleasant and he still had to be dragged out of me.

BUT.... SInce i got pregnant i have had a feeling that something is going to go wrong and the baby is going to die. I know - morbid and not very nice at all and everyone kept telling me i was being silly. But it is how i have felt. Part of me thinks it is cause i never expected to get pregnant again let again with a girl. But now there is the part of me that is thinking that maybe i am just being silly about this induction thing and i am seriously putting my baby at risk. Emma is partly to blame cause of when she said she knows of mothers who had wished they could go back just one day to before their full term babies had died. (this was said in unrelated conversations and i dont want to make you feel bad emma if you read this1)

So now i am thinking can that one day make the difference...what if i kill my baby?

I really want to give my body a chance to start labour naturally, but i dont want to risk my baby.
I am a mess, in tears most days and even tho i know my baby is safe theres the what if...

I dont expect responses to this but i felt like i had to get it down somewhere.

GandT wrote: BUT.... SInce i got pregnant i have had a feeling that something is going to go wrong and the baby is going to die.

GandT, I felt like this with my pregnancy with Jett. He was TOTALLY unexpected and I wondered how on earth I could've got pg with him when I did. I also had a crazy theory that 3rd babies are born unhealthy, and had a bad feeling all through the pregnancy. At 15 weeks I had a VERY small bleed, but it still freaked me out and I never relaxed the whole pregnancy. He was born completely healthy, but then I had a post-partum haemorrhage which was nasty and very scary and painful. I know you're freaking out right now, but your baby is doing well in there, and if the Dr's think you're ok til the 11th then trust that.

They will still monitor you til your induction date right? I know nothing will ease your mind til you have your healthy baby in your arms. Perhaps try taking some rescue remedy?

to you. not really sure what to say, but i hope everything goes well for you and bubs.

oh honey, i just want to reach out and hug you!

try not to think negatively, you need to keep your spirits up. you don't want to go into labour upset and overly emotional.

you sound so stressed, which is what I put all these unnecessary thoughts racing through your head down to.

try to think positively hun.

big hugs to you....i thought he was going to die during my whole pregnancy too...and he's ok.....and i still think something will happen..it's horrible:( esp during my induction and c section but as the others said as long as you are being closely monitored..?

daikini wrote: Deb see if you can figure out a compromise that gives you the feeling you've tried the best you can while still ensuring your daughter's safety... eg: getting the fluid levels and placenta and Baby checked regularly while putting off the date of induction to give your body a chance.

What she said. Hugs to you, I really do know how you feel. I was really really against induction at any cost, but in the end, we did it just before 42 weeks, as i was starting to freak out, and I coudln't trust that something woudln't go wrong. My BF had a still born baby girl at 41 weeks, not induced, so it always weiged heavily on my mind. When I did get induced, though, I had been in labour on and off for 3 days, so she was ready anyhow, jsut mucking around.

In the end, it was the support and knowledge of my wonderful and very experienced midwife that made me feel safe, and I trusted her with our lives. She had been Anna's midwife as well, so well understood my concerns that my baby girl would somehow not make it, and as you know, it all turned out fine.

Hugs to you, and trust your instinct (the GOOD ones!!!!) and the judgement of your medical team, who I am sure take your concerns into consideration when deciding what is best for you. Well, I hope they do.

xxx

I really should stay away, I know too much and all it does is make people worry even more

I really think there is some truth to what we were talking about the other day tho, that your body just has longer gestations. It makes sense, especially considering you have longer cycles etc.

I agree with Daikini and Fattarts, trust yourself and your body and it's ability to deliver your baby safe and healthy. I of all people know how hard that is, I was an absolute wreck all the way thru with the gremlins and it was always YOU that kept telling me they would be born in perfect heath at full term. And you were right, they were. So now it's my turn to say the same thing - baby girl will be fine! (She has to be, I have bought her far too many cute bits and pieces over the last 9 months!)

Obstetrically speaking, I think if you were induced now, baby would come no problems at all, she is your third baby and your body knows what it's doing far better than it did first time round, but then there is a chance you'll end up with the drip still which is not what you want. And given that her fluid is fine and her BPP was fine, and that you are having another BPP on Friday I would say she'll be happy in there till the 11th, and if she's not, she'll let you know and come sooner.

I would maybe suggest getting a CTG done on Sunday tho, just to check in on her again. Your m/w will probably give you a hard time about it being a weekend, but given how overdue you are, monitoring every second day is a good idea and she should just pull her finger out of her...

Will call you later, I have Sterryn and Sam coming for lunch, but can come visit after I get Maya if you need some company.

Deb

What are your thoughts? Are getting good monitoring? Do yu trust your team? If so go with your instincts. You know your body really well when at this stage of pregnancy. Yes awful things happen but none of us would want to do this if we knew all about them and they haven't happened to you before and quite often there is no clue that they may happen, all pregnancies, deliveries, labours are different as we see on here. I assume that if you get nervous or anxious before the 11th you can call your mw and say i think this baby needs to be born today?
You have to go with the option which will drive you least nuts.
Just my thoughts I have no experience as my pregnancy ended very unexpectedly at 35 weeks so this was never an option for me to worry about (plenty of other things tho) I am a great beleiver that you know your body best and should trust your instincts in line with information you are given
Don't drive yourself too nuts with this, this baby is gonna come out sometime, one way or another

Hugs Deb.

Sounds really upsetting. I bet those hormones are responsible for a lot of it.

I can't give you any advice as I haven't been in your shoes. I guess it is a balancing act of trusting the test results and doctors i.e. baby girl is doing great and acknowledging your fears.

Maybe try speaking truth into the situation (self-talk I guess). You mentioned that you think you may know the root cause for the emotions to maybe try to tell yourself how it is. Sounds kooky but sometimes it does help a little.

If you keep feeling really upset maybe another talk with your midwife re: induction dates would be a good idea. Sometimes we do need to take heed of our thoughts and emotions but often we just need to focus on the facts and hang in until the fog clears. At times like these it is so hard to get in touch with our gut instinct but the answers really do lie there. If we can't, all we can do is make the best decisions based on the info we have.

If you were the praying / meditating sort I'd recommend you try that...see if you can reach down inside yourself and determine whether earlier induction is what is needed (based on facts rather than ideals) to put an end to the worry or if waiting is the best thing for you to do.

I feel for you as being so far over-due PLUS having 2 boys to care for is far too much for anyone to deal with! It's probably almost impossible to do but try to relax just a little bit...baby girl WILL be here within the week!

Maybe some time to yourself without the boys would help? I'm sure a couple of us could help there!