Single mum stigma...

So, a post I read yesterday got me thinking...all night, so I want to try to word this with-out offending anyone.

Do you think the stigma around being a single mum comes from yourself, worrying and being paranoid about what people think, or do you think that it is put on you by other peoples opinions.

I believe in my situation it is totally in my mind, I haven't been single all along so it is a reasonably new thing to me...but I hate telling people, most of the people I work with don't know, if they ask anything about the ex I just answer. (IF someone asks me strait up, I dont lie about it though) I haven't told Ethans day care, I haven't  told my coffee group, I am just so worried about what people will think of me being a single mum, Yet everyone that does know or find out is really really positive about it, like it's no big deal.

I know my situation isn't that unusual but I didn't plan on raising a child on my own, it wasn't part of the master plan. But I don't think that I can totally accept this until I start to be honest about it......

Sorry for the long post but I am not kidding I was up most of the night thinking about this....,

First up - big hugs to you Natalie.

I really believe that in this day and age the stigma of being a single mum is nowhere near what it used to be. I was raised by a single mum (my dad was killed in a car accident when I was 5), and it was really hard for her. People looked down at her when she went to work full time, yucky men would annoy her as they thought she'd be desperate for a man, and it was generally a not nice situation back in the 80's.

But you - do not be ashamed of being a sole parent. You are a strong woman to be able to do what you do, and don't ever feel you are not good enough. Because you are proving every single day that you are.

So don't be afraid to tell daycare, tell work, tell the world. When you are ready.   Unless you want people to know, it is nobody's business but your own.

i think they same post got me thinking aswell i have found most people stop talking to me if i metion i,m a mother let alone a single one most people admire or say they do single mums but relly they judge them insted of looking at the way they rasie there childern or how the conduct themselves i think you should be proud of yourselve we are doing the hardest job on earth by ourselves and ne we didnt plan it this way but we are doing a dam good job at it

This topic is certainly close to home for me, in fact I think I was the one who had mentioned the social stigma that surrounds us single mothers in a previous post.

It's never bugged me as such, I'm proud of the fact that I am a single mother & coping incredibly well (although admittedly I've been down in the dumps the last few days due to lots of diff reasons but today we are all fine and dandy here )

My situation is different in the fact that I knew I was going to be on my own from day one, what I had with Lucas' father could barely be deemed a fling, let alone a relationship. So I didn't expect a positive reaction out of him when I told him I was preggers, 3 months into the pregnancy he decided he would piss off to Australia (fine by me, he was causing so much stress & trouble by that stage). He never wanted me to keep baby, but I blocked him out and ditched my friends (well, the people who I thought were my friends but were on his side & backstabbing). Totally on my own I decided to go through with this, full well knowing I would be on my own. Even my parents were skeptical. But they came around eventually, both Mum & Dad were there holding my hands and helping with the birth.

To this day I have no regrets, nor do I feel ashamed to say I'm a solo mother, but I do get sick of people/strangers just assuming that I have a partner when they strike up a conversation. I always quickly jump in and correct them, their reactions usually leave a lot to be desired.

They TRY to be nice and praise me on what a good job i'm doing etc etc, but I can see the judgemental look they get in their eye. It's THEIR problem. Not mine.

But in saying that, not all people are that way inclined. Some people are genuine.

I'll give you an example for instance, I was depositing money into the bank last week, the teller started trying to tell me all about kiwisaver etc, so I said no that doesn't apply, I'm on the DPB. She stopped and looked at me awkwardly and said 'Sorry?' ...so I repeated myself a bit louder, to which she replied 'Oh' ....yup that's right 'OH' ...nothing else followed, and as I turned around to leave a few people in the line were staring at me because no doubt they would have overheard.

I actually think half the stigma doesn't come from being a solo mother necessarily, I think a lot of it has to do with being on the benefit/dpb, working people holding grudges over the fact that their taxes go toward supporting us. But then that's just my opinion.

So in answer to your question, I think it is other peoples opinions that create this stigma, it's certainly not how I feel. I'm so proud of being on my own, I can't see myself looking for a partner for years to come. Totally not interested.

Ok finished

See this is the whole silly thing. I know that I shouldn't feel this way, I had nothing to do with becoming a single mum, and I know that I am a really really good parent, I feel that I have got a good balance between staying home and working, and it works well for both of us, but I still feel so wrong about it.

I won a free family photo shoot with a new company and some free photos and all that, in the small print it said your entire family must attend the session, I almost didn't ring them and make an appointment because my entire family is just me and Ethan...(I went though and it was AWESOME)

All I am hoping is that it becomes more comfortable for me as time goes on. It's not super new, been 8 months now, but I thought I would be feeling better and more accepting about this after that amount of time...

Thanks for listening ladies....

I'm trying really hard to word this in a way that's not offensive please please please if it appears so it's really not meant to be.

Reading previous posts it's only the solo mums that have posted that think that there's a stigma around solo mums and people act or treat them differently. I've never ever heard someone putting another woman down for being a solo mum (which is just as well since my since was a solo teenage mum on a sickness benefit - talk about reasons for stigma - and I would have bitten their heads off if anyone generalised negatively about people in those situations).

I agree that there probably are people out there that think badly of single mums, but there are also people out there that think that working mums don't love their kids enough, that married mums that stay at home are freeloaders, or that 'educated' women who give up their careers to have kids are wasting their good minds.

I am not a solo mum but I am trying to relate this to my situation (cos it's all about me...just kidding) to get my point across. For me personally I think my own insecurities about being a working mum are most of the time the reason that I think other people judge me for being a working mum, in all honesty when I think about it logically I doubt most people give it a second thought. Maybe it's the same for solo mums, sahm's, educated mums etc.

edited since 'education mums' is really bad english

Edited by MrsMojo

Good timing Kels, I was about to ask if those that feel there is a stigma have noticed whether it comes from people of certain ages (due to the fact that they possibly were raised during a different era).

If there is a stigma it's stupid really. There have been solo mums and dads (for one reason or another) since the beginning of mankind.

Bizzy wrote: thunderwolves wrote: Do you think the stigma around being a single mum comes from yourself, worrying and being paranoid about what people think, or do you think that it is put on you by other peoples opinions. i am not a single mum but wanted to say that i believe that we are our worst enemies. wether you feel bad because you are single mum, or bottle feed, or put your child in daycare or fed them solids at 3 mths or whatever.... it is mostly what we are telling outselves. sure there are some people out there who look down on single mothers, but there are people out there who will look down on you if you choose to wear your child instead of using a pram as well. so yeah i suspect it may come from your own paranoia and partly - in your case - because of shame and embarrasment. oh btw - i dont think i look down on single mums but do know in my own mind i make a distinction between a single mum who chose that lifestyle and one who didnt...

Agreed, especially the last part.

There are exceptions to every rule, though, and my pet peeve, having a teenager in the house, is the schoolage teenage girl who thinks oh I'll just have a baby now cos I'll keep my boyfriend. Or Ill have a baby cos all my friends are and its sooo cool. We had a teen couple in our ante natal class, really lovely people and she said those girls made her sick, and she knew quite a few who got pregnant purposely for those reasons. Like in everything, it only takes a few rotten eggs to make the whole lot smell.

I haven't read the rest of the posts and I could be overly optimistic but I think the single mum stigma is driven by our own insecurities.

Being a young, single mum who doesn't know the father of her child however does bring it's own troubles!

Back in my day - ok 13 years ago.  I didn't come across any kind of Stigma, I had a very supportive family and extended family.  Even my parents friends were very supportive and helped Conor and I out ALOT. WINZ were amazing to me, I had a wonderful case manager who I also saw as a friend, she helped me out immensely, basically told me if I didn't ask I wouldn't get, she even told me what I needed to ask for. 

I have to agree with Nikki on this one. I didn't feel insecure so I didn't feel embarassed by being a single mum to a little boy.