Under your roof...

teen parents thread?

Im not sure how I feel about this sort of thing yet, hubby and i were raised very differently so will be a interesting

Yeh I read the He'll be okay book by celia lashlie. She said that teen boys are parented by mothers who seem to think the rules (school and other I guess) apply to everyone BUT her son, and she is right...

Sorry, my2angels I meant the thread about young young girls planning babies.. I think its called is it just me.

My parents let my boyfriend sleep over when I was 16, but he had to sleep in the other room, i never snuck him into my room though, after we had been together a while he was allowed to sleep on the airbed in my room. We wernt having sex because I wasnt ready.
My mum had given me the "sex" talk and trusted me. I guess they would rather us be at home rather than out at a party getting drunk and doing it in a car.

They were the same for my brother, but he went to parties and stuff, as long as they knew where he was and who he was with they didnt mind.

I guess we were all trust worthy teenagers who didnt sleep around and stuff and mum and dad knew that and they raised us well.

Edited by CadensMum

I think you are taking a good approach Annie.

My parents have NEVER allowed smoking or alcohol in the house and are very against both. They don't drink nor smoke ...Dad might have a sip of wine at Xmas with his family but otherwise he doesn't drink. And we've never been allowed to have friends/bfs over to stay or visit. My parents are private people in that respect.

I was always told that if I came home looking slightly under the influence or smelling of smoke I wouldn't be allowed inside. That seemed to work to some extent.

However I did go out and get drunk/smoke behind their back, but only on 2 or 3 occasions (and I was 17yo +) ...and it wasn't my intent on doing so, I gave into peer pressure. And 2 of those times BAD things happened (re: males slipping something into drink etc etc and me ending up in WAIUKU out of all places at some guys house I didn't know ....my pants covered in blood & me absolutely sore/bruised down there - TMI I know ...but it happens so often to young girls. I had no recollection of what happened and my parents hadn't heard from me over a 24hour period and couldn't get hold of me as my phone was taken.They were worried & had rung cops - meh long story). But you get my gist, you can't really win either way, if you let it happen in your household it's like your condoning it, but if you put your foot down - teenagers will automatically go and rebel and put themselves in danger of the above and likewise happening to them.

That night alone was enough to put me off both men AND alcohol. A couple times after that I might have had a drink or two but only in the company of females & I was being responsible. Nowadays I plain refuse to touch the stuff or be in a mile radius of people drinking and smoking.

My brother is now 15 and no sign of him following the trend of teens smoking, drinking and doing drugs & partying. He stays at home 24/7 and is a computer fanatic. I guess at least this way we can guarantee he's not getting into any trouble.

So out of all my rambling Annie, I guess I'm trying to say that my parents took your approach with us kids re: smoking, sex etc etc and it paid off in the drinking/smoking aspect. Let's forget I'm 20 and a solo mother . Sure teens will go out and experiment behind your back - that's what teens do. But that's part of life, we learn from our mistakes.

I would rather Caitlyn didn't expect me to buy her alcohol when she was underage , and she better not be expecting me to buy cigarettes for her.
When i was 16 my friend's dad would buy my friend and i our smokes, i used to think he was so cool cos my mum wouldn't ,now that im (a tiny bit) older and wiser, im glad my parents took the different approach and refused, they were just being protective of me while they could.

I think the main thing is communication, and showing your kids from an early age they can trust you enough for them to confide in you

as for the underage sex thing, thats no problem, because you see , when she reaches puberty im actually putting her in a locked tower and she will only be allowed out when shes about 25

.....who says im joking

I am sh*t scared of my girls becoming teenagers!

Hmmm I can see where you're coming from but I must admit I'm more in middle territory with this.

I want our house to be somewhere really welcoming where they feel ok about hanging out. I feel happy about giving them space as, to a certain extent, I feel better knowing they are safe at home rather than out and possibly in unsafe situations. In saying that, there will be no smoking, no full on parties, no boyfriends sleeping over and no sex going on! I am ok about them having a few drinks- (by few, I literally mean 2 or 3) as again, I would rather know they are experimenting where I can keep an eye on them. I don't mind them having a few friends over, as long as they're kids I know and they (and their parents) know our house rules.

As far as the alcohol goes- I do see it as a safety issue. They are going to drink, and young teenage girls and alcohol do not mix well- I remember myself being in some situations that I would be terrified to ever see my girls in, thankfully I have always been lucky. I would rather they can learn to drink responsibly in a somewhat controlled environment. It was insane how many girls who hadn't been allowed to drink when they lived at home went absolutely OTT nuts as soon as they were 'free'. Obviously we are trying to lay the groundwork now by mirroring the behaviour we would like to see and we will educate them about it all as much as we can.

I had a really close open relationship with my Mum- I feel like she got a really good balance of rules vs letting me learn my own lessons. I knew I could always come to her and she didn't just say 'No, you can't do that'- she talked to me about things, explained the dangers and let me make my own choices. Teens are all about rebelling, if you flat out say no then all they're going to want to do is exactly what you're forbidding- its how they're wired! They don't yet have the ability to fully judge the long term consequences of their actions.

I see what you're saying about not wanting to provide the means, I just think of teenagers hanging out drinking in parks and having sex in bushes and the thought of that being my girls just horrifies me. Heres hoping we're laying the foundations that that kind of behaviour is avoided, but if the alternative to that is them having a couple of RTDs and us having to provide a teenage space then I would much rather deal with that!

My long term plan is to make them really geeky and into books. As soon as they turn 13 they are both getting braces (full set of steel ones, even if they don't need them), same with glasses and I'll dress them terribly. I'll make them join the chess club at school and get them horrendous haircuts and we should be sorted!

We will have standards that matter for our house, ie no sex (unless we have our married children come to visit!!), no drugs, no swearing, no negotiations! But we also want to be open to talking about those things if our kids do decide to hop off the "straight and narrow" and perhaps get pg or whatever... you get the picture.

As for alcohol, I think it's all fine once you are of age and in moderation. So we will probably encourage our kids to have a glass with us with special dinners or whatever, and I don't think we'd fuss at the odd beer or whatever. But there will be limits imposed on that if necessary.

I'm pretty much middle of the road too.

My mum took the stance of not in my house, and well that only meant I got up to all sorts of stuff somewhere else, and the legal drinking age was 20 when I was a teenager.

Mum was always pretty good about having friends over, and boyfriends were allowed to stay but not in the same room. She might not have known exactly what I was up to, but at least she knew who I was with.

I now have a young niece approaching the teenage years and she wants to 'get drunk and have hang overs' her words. Which whilst normal also kinda scary.

One rule my parents did have is that if I ever needed to be picked up no matter what time of night they would come and get me, and I'd do the same. Then at least I know they'll get home safely and not end up in a car with someone who has been drinking. The worries me most.

I agree with your original post in it's entirety Annie. Yes, teenagers will find ways and places of doing these things behind our backs, but I am certainly not about to enable it by making it acceptable in our home. I think in situations like ours it's hard too coz you have a teenager (or more!) in the same household as younger kids so you have to consider the example that you're setting for the younger kids as well. My parents were far more accomodating when my younger brother and sister wanted to drink/smoke etc. than they were with me and my older brother (younger than me but older than my younger brother IYGWIM) and their reasoning was always that what we did had an influence on the younger two and that what was appropriate for us at 16/17/18 wasn't necessarily appropriate for them at 12/13/14.
My parents didn't do a great job of parenting my brother and I as teenagers. Not that I blame them for that, we were completely evil, awful human beings, but they responded badly. They did learn from that tho and did much better with my younger brother and sister.
My non-negotiables under my roof (and I say *my* coz Willie is far more permissive, but unfortunately for him it's not HIS roof) are smoking, drugs and sex. The alcohol one I'll deal with when it comes to it coz we have a long and complicated family history where alcohol is concerned and I'm still undecided as to how to approach it with the kids.