Relationship Issue -Help Needed

Let me first say that I know there are 2 sides to every story but I am REALLY upset about the way a key person in my life has been treating me. For the record it isn't DH - he is luffly. Here is a run-down of the events (loooong):

1. A discussion about toilet training. This person says they "just have to say something and have been very concerned for the last few months as Elle should've been tt at 1, certainly by now. It is disgraceful and unfair on her". I mention in a friendly, and gentle way that it is interesting that kids used to train earlier as my friends kids tend to be training at around 2 or 3. This person flies off the handle, yelling at me and saying "I'm always wrong, I'm useless, I'm not worth to anyone, get out. You are cruel and horrible".

2. I didn't sleep one night last week and took the day off work. I was very upset, in tears and had to txt this person to say I couldn't attend a group activity on the weekend. I said that I was over-tired and not coping as a result but wanted time to process my thoughts re: Elle's sleep issues before talking it through. Well, this person texted me back and said "of course, once again, I am useless, you need someone but I am no good. Fine. I'm out of your life for good".

3. This person left a gift in our letterbox for Elle. I texted (said person won'r answer their phone) and said "thanks heaps, it is fantastic. You would've been very welcome to visit and see Elle when you dropped it over".   It was intended as an Olive branch despite the aweful things said to me over the last week. The reply I just got " Rub in how useless I am why don't you. I can't do anything right. I will never ever make contact with you ever again. Good bye for good"

I am so upset. This person is as good as my only family. This person has pushed away all other friends etc over the years and has major, major issues about their own worth. I have loved them unconditionally and tried really hard to watch every work I say as if I ever so much as voice a different opinion, even on the weather they take it personally and tell me how aweful I am. They twist absolutely everything I say.

This has happened constantly for years now. DH thinks it is emotional abuse. What do you think?

I just don't know what to do....nothing I say seems to help, but if I give it time I fear this person may do something silly...they threaten to often.

sweetheart as hard as it is you dont need people like that in your life. It was totally uncalled for what she said re the toilet training alot of mothers like to wait for the summer to toilet train their children as its a bit easier, the child is yours and its you that will know when she is ready to be toilet trained nobody else every child is different.

Its her problem if shes pushed away all her friends and it is emotional abuse for her to be saying :oh im worthless, nobody likes me etc, etc" unfortunately only she can change her situation no one else but neither do you need the guilt trips that she is putting you on. She should of understood and maybe felt even a bit guilty that you felt compelled to pull out of the weekends activity.
You have been nothing but nice towards her and youve tried your best and tried to be supportive but theres only so much you can do and you cant control her actions shes chosen to be like this....

*HUGS*

This might sound a bit mean but are you sure you are not "enabling" her (sorry to go all dr phil on you). Perhaps you should just cuts ties with her for a bit, contact her in a month for coffee or something when you have both had some time apart to calm down and think things through.

Im sorry to sound harsh , and im sure she (or he, but im guessing she ) has issues , but hell , dont we all?
And quite frankly, if she has no friends except you , then it seems like she only has herself to blame with that kind of attitude.

What she is wanting is for you to drop everything and reassure her that she is important to you , that shes not useless etc, i know, ive had similar situations.
Trouble is, no matter how much you say it, they are only happy about it for a short time, it never lasts.
You cant change her , only she can make the decision to change her attitude and take a good look at herself, it sounds to me that you have been doing all you can and she is enjoying the way you are giving her attention for it .
You dont need that in your life, noone does .

Friendship is about give and take, and to put it bluntly , seems like shes doing all the taking, and you are doing all the giving.

I agree that the decision to change has to come from the individual but I also think that some people, are so stuck in a pattern that they can't see the way out without support.

I'm valuing your input, thank you

On another forum that I go on there has been a thread going about "toxic friends" and why we allow ourselves to be involved with people that we know are bad for us.

This person that you are talking about is a "toxic friend" she is bad for you, pure and simple - no excuses. You have admitted that you are upset over the recent events, so I think for a start you need to stop making excuses for their behaviour.

Why with everything else that is going on would you allow yourself to be put into another stressful situation?

I also think that you need to take a step back for awhile and concentrate on your daughter and husband... let this person stew in their unhappiness and allow yourself to be happy.

Also sounds like she needs some counselling, and no I don't think it's a good idea that you suggest it to them... perhaps someone else can on your behalf.

Leave things be for awhile, if they don't like it tough!

Thanks for your input ladies

wow

big hugs to you!

dont mean to sound harsh at all but that is awfully selfish of your friend to put that on you and make you feel so bad, especially since all you have done is be completly honest with her!

id say that pretty much its emotional abuse, and yes this person obviously has issues, but there her issues and its really unfair of her to take them out on you, and quite frankly be so dam bitchy towards you, its not fair on you and its nasty!
if it was me, i think id go cold turkey on her and not contact her at all so she can have time to reflect on "why" you may not want anything to do with her at the moment.
or even tell her how unfair and down right nasty what shes doing is and tell her how its affecting you, then tell her until she sorts her issues out you dont want any contact with her.

big hugs to you tho!

I think you need to evaluate how much effort you want to put into the relationship and be prepared that you are going to get these kind of knock backs and that it is going to be very one sided.

It can be very easy to just ditch them but maybe you need a bit of a break and come back to see how you feel about it in a week/month/year etc.

Are they generally unhappy in their own life - or do they not even love themselves enough to treat others with respect? Have they been treated badly by others?

There are so many questions but the answer really is within you and how much you are prepared to give without taking. And you also need to ensure it does not hurt your DH or DD in the process.....that is what is truly important. Good luck - big hugs

Yea, what she said..

Well said Jo!!!

Fiona, you definitely don't need people like her in your life... you have enough stress to deal with without someone coming along behind you saying your doing a crap job!! Pfffffft on her and in the end she'll be the one missing out.. not you!! Take care hun