thoughts please

hi guys, I'm desperately trying to finish my will  I'm stuck on many things but one is I have 2 step kids and a baby on the way if I die and DH dies would it be rude and unfair if I left my half share to my biological baby and DH divided his how ever he wants or do I sorta have to divide it equally between the 3??? Does that make sense?? let me know if it doesn't

Thanks for your thoughts!

intersting question.

does your step kids live with you?

i ask becasue if not then i would be leaving my share to my child and letting dh leave his share between all his kids....but if they are living with you then i would either split evenly or do 50% to my child and split the rest between the other kids.

its a hard decision to make but things can always be changed and rewritten down the track

yeh your right you can always change it! IYeh they live with us. see what your saying lilfatty but I haven't been able to work for a few years because I'm raising his children. And all 3 are biologically his so surely you wouldn't cut one out of your will? Our money is our money. Don't know if it makes a difference but my step kids get a HUGE inheritance at 18 which will set them up. 50% to mine and 25% to the other 2 sounds fair....? 

lilfatty wrote: Its so sad that in this day in age with blended families there are still "his" children and "our" children.

 

I agree with that lilfatty.

You have to do what you feel is right but if you have in sense "adopted" them as your own children which I'd previously assumed you had by the way you spoke about them then it would make complete sense to treat all 3 equally. 

However if you don't consider the 3 of them to be equal in your heart, if your biological child is already claiming the position of favourite, then I guess it won't come as any surprise to anyone if you leave everything you have to that child.

I am 1 of 6 kids.  I've always consider myself to be 1 of 6 even though 2 of my siblings aren't biologically related and joined our family when I was 9yo.  My foster brother and sister are still my brother and sister and always will.  Accordingly it is written into my parents will that when they both die the property will be split 6 ways. 

That is just what's right for our family.  That may not be right for yours.

.....I really must do my will .......

Ok my perspective on it...

yes it's unfair. You are raising those children as your own if I understand correctly (giving up work to raise them etc etc) so therefore they are both of your children not his. I don't think it matters that they will get a separate inheritance. If god forbid you both die before they get that other inheritance then that would be really hard for them to understand the logistics of it, and if you die afterwards, well then you can amend your will once they turn 18 if need be to apportion the shares differently.

The problem I see is you are talking about your money and your Dh's money. Technically its all the same, if he dies, you get it and vice versa. So the problem is, say if he dies and you don't for another 20 years, you would have made decisions about how to spend the stepkids inheritance, and by the sounds of it, would be more bias towards your bioligical child (sorry that's just what it sounds like). If that's the case, they have a right to contest the will and would likely get a better share than what you're offering seeing as in the eyes of the law they will see you as a mother figure.

A way you can do it though, is set up a family trust and leave shares to each child, and set up conditions regarding those shares. For example, if your DH died, you might have to be what is called a 'life tenant' on his estate which means you can claim living costs etc but can't just spend his money as you please as it would upset the future inheritance of the other beneficiaries.

Basically, you're opening up a can of worms by trying to split it unevenly. Another thing to do would be to leave your 3rd child (shared child) a set amount over and above the shared estate. Say for example you give x a sum of $20,000 or whatever you can afford from the proceeds of your estate and then the rest is shared equally. Still means the other children would seem to be 'missing out' on DH's share if he died a while before you though.

Hmmm tricky. I think theres always factors that affect decisions like this.

My dad adopted me when I was 1 when he married my mum and I was fully accepted by his family as a child/grandchild. I have a younger brother and sister who are my dads biological kids and I'd be crushed if his will cut me out as I consider myself his child even though I'm in contact with my biological father (with my mum and dads support). I know it wouldn't of course so luckily its not an issue for me.

Me and DP were also talking about it in regards to Jake and any future children we might have. DP sees Jake as his own son and doesn't believe more children will change that (yet to be seen but I don't think its gonna be an issue otherwise I wouldn't be with him). His family however don't see me or Jake as part of their family yet I think they'd have a different view of any children my partner fathers with me. Its quite possible his mum will leave something to her biological granchild/ren but not Jake.

I guess as the parent of the 'non-biological' child I don't understand why my son can't simply be accepted and loved and made a part of the family. On the other hand I think I'd probably find it more difficult if it was the other way around. The bond I have with Jake has overshadowed every other child I have a relationship with. Nieces and nephews who I previously adored and have helped bring up are now just loved but Jake grabs my attention and his needs are my first concern fullstop. I don't know how I'd respond if there were stepkids in the picture however much I loved them.

You have my sympathies Selena. Whatever you decide maybe just put yourself in your stepkids shoes. How attached are they to you? How affected do you think they'd be? How much does that matter to you in the scheme of things?

Thanks for all the advice, I have talked to our lawyer and decided to leave that aspect of the will till later on when it becomes clear whether the adoption of my step kids goes through and as they have other guardians apart from DH and I they may choose within the next 2 years to live with them...so we will play it by ear for now it's divided equally.

I do feel that some of you are a bit hard on us step parents, I think we do a hard job and we have big hearts to do it, I know alot of people that have said straight out they would never raise someone elses children.

I do love my step children and have always treated them as my very own, I also want the best for our new baby as it will never have the privilged life the other 2 have had. So it's not generally a case of 'his and ours' lilfatty its just an easier way of explaining a complicated situation.  I don't think his children need protecting either, they are very well looked after and will be no matter what. As your DH stays home and raises your children maybe turning around and saying to him..it's my money and I earnt it all is something that you would do? Unfortuantely more often then not you only have negative feedback...but in saying that I left myself wide open asking for peoples thoughts.

Fattartsrock I hope your situation improves that must be very hard.

Thanks you for the constructive and helpful replies.

 

Nicely put Selena!! I agree - people who can take on other peoples children and all the crap that often comes with them (other guardians/family members/partners exes/emotional baggage/etc) and create a good family environment should be commended! It can be a difficult and upsetting situation not to mention very confusing for everyone involved (not just the kids). Sally belly is right - whoever the hell said life was easy?! You do the best you can with what you have!

Fattartsrock sounds like your is a hard situation but hey technically you've won you're married to the guy, you've had his children and I imagine if it came down to it you're the one he'd want to stay with! Good luck

jjands wrote: lilfatty - As your DH stays home and raises your children maybe turning around and saying to him..it's my money and I earnt it all is something that you would do? Unfortuantely more often then not you only have negative feedback...but in saying that I left myself wide open asking for peoples thoughts.

No it isnt something I would do .. just like I wouldnt split our money unequally between children I am bringing up.

I suggest should you not actually want people's opinions you shouldnt ask for them .. or maybe put a disclaimer that you would only like people who agree with your POV to answer you

In fartrocks case .. that is slightly different as that child is a teenager (and even biological teenagers are a PITA, so I cant imagine trying to deal with a pissed off step child), yours however are still young, and see you as Mum.

I tend to see everything from the others POV .. how heartbreaking it would be for the kids to one day know that you didnt "love" them as much as your own child .. and how in turn that is going to affect all your childrens relationships (or his kids and yours kids if you prefer to clarify) in the future if heaven forbid something happens to you both.

Emz probably said what I wanted to say in a much "nicer" way than my apparent negative feedback.