Any Dads out there?

Hey Dads - I need your help!

Me and Dad have an 8 month old daughter and have unfortunately been separated for a couple of months now. Im trying really REALLY hard to help Dad with sharing age appropriate info and things I have learned from Plunket visits and other mums when he comes to pick up our wee girl for visits etc, but I swear he feels I am attacking him and it ends up a bit of a drama trying to get info through.

Now, to be honest, I do believe that what I am telling him he really should be taking on board - after all, I have the lion's share of responsibility and purely from a hands on perspective, learn these things by trial and error every day. I promise you though (I can hear all the Dads mumbling "nag nag nag") I really do only tell him really important things (like choking hazards, new sleeping/eating patterns) how what she has done during the day is going to affect her night routine etc

Now guys, is this just a "man" thing?? You know - right brain -v- left brain issue?   Should I try a completely different approach to information sharing - do I write "lists" for him instead so its not viewed as so... confrontational?

Please help!   I need insider info from "your side" to try and smooth the waters

OK just rang DH, the book is Call me Dad and there's also a great website called DIY father.

There's bound to be tension between you and babies dad with the separation so it can't be easy on either side ... something like this may put the ball in his court a little bit more cos men do like to feel like they're 'the man' lol. Something I did when Harry was younger, he was looked after by DH, my mum or sister (they do one day each a week while I work), was write down his 'expected' routine and little things to follow. Just cos at that age his routine did change fairly regularly - and then I had it there as an example for anyone else who looked after him.

You could tell him you wrote it up for when family or friends looked after her (if they do?) and that you thought you might be interested to read it too, and that it has her current routine.

I also wrote up his sleep time routine (how he likes to go to sleep) and tired signs.

Edited by arohanui

Hi Ladies - thanks for the book reference, Liz. Will track it down. And Stacey, I thought exactly the same thing - why cant I just sit down with dad and ask him how he would like to deal with updates etc. It all seems so much easier via email!! Ha! Bless them.

But yes, I wonder if I wrote a wee note down whether that would be viewed as less..... instructing? Lots of things I am quite happy with him working out on his own, but when he thinks its ok to feed bub a piece of apple in the car (while he is driving!) thats when I get a bit Mother-knows-best on his ass! Ha!

Thanks again for your responses. Have almost chewed my tongue off in the last few months... only about another 17 years to go :)

My DH doesn't take that kind of stuff well either (like, "Do you think I am clueless?" attitude). He also doesn't like reading non-fiction or attending meetings/groups predominately attended by women. My advice would be to not sweat the small stuff - even following the routine isn't that important because most things will be different at dad's house anyway.

Perhaps you guys could pass a notebook between you when you do changeovers, it could help lessen the tension/defensiveness between you. Then each of you can write in little things like, she hasn't been too well and might need some pamol to settle at night, etc.

DH took over the SAH role when I went back to work when Issy was 4.5 months old.

I was really pedantic about trying to teach him her routines .. but honestly, she was perfectly fine even though they didnt follow what was our "normal" routine.

She got fed, changed, she played and she slept .. (although not always in the order I would have preferred) but she has grown into an amazingly bright and confident wee thing.

Your ex will soon learn what to do during the day if its him having to get up to her all night

Hi. Weegee's DH here...

Maybe something that you ladies don't know, or maybe do already know, is that guys either act 5 years older than their age or 5 years younger... It's the proportion of time they spend in each, er, half, that you need to be aware of.

You need to find out if he sees looking after your daughter as a chore or if it is something he really wants to do. If he sees it as a chore, then no matter what you say or do, it's nagging. It's a guy thing.

If he really looks forward to looking after her, then he's probably already thinking that he's missing out on her growing up, and if you're going through new stuff etc that your daughter is doing then it may feel like to him that you're rubbing his face in it.

Maybe hint at stuff rather than give him the details... She really likes bla bla bla at the moment. If your daughter is crawling already, say things like "She's getting close to crawling" - this way he won't feel like he's missing out etc, and if he says something when he drops her off, you can act like it's news... Don't do it too often of course cause he'll click... Maybe.

Do your conversations solely revolve around your daughter?? Ask him how things are going, how work is, how his parents are...

***weegee here - this message was interrupted, DH's pager went off half an hour ago and he had to run out the door to go attend a callout. I doubt he'll be back to finish his train of thought tonight, maybe tomorrow night ***

My DH was a sahd from 5m+ and TBH if he thought it necessary to warn me about choking hazards etc I'd be very insulted and it'd probably turn into a massive drama too.

She is his daughter and Daddy's are very protective and attentive.  This may not be a side to him you see but I bet it's there.

It's important to keep the channels of communication open but I think you need to put yourself in his shoes before you decide what information.  I assume you're both first time parents and therefore have been parents for as long as each other and although you do the lions share of the childcare remember that just as it's easy for him to obtain information on choking hazards and feeding/sleeping routines as it is for you (maybe even easier because he has more childfree time in which to research this info).

Unless something is absolutely vital or life threatening and you thinks he's too ignorant or uncaring to figure it out himself then just leave him to it.  So what if she gets put down for a sleep when she's already dropped that sleep time, he'll soon learn. 

IMO your should make sure he knows that you're available but don't force your advice on him because that method isn't working right now and it may make him uncomfortable contacting you when he does have questions.