Pregnant and in Poverty??

This is my first post. I am 27 years old and 23 weeks pregnant with my first. I am married but with no real financial support from my husband after I was made redundant last year (because "'I should have a job by now"). With one income we're too poor to have much to go around anyway, but when we do it goes on his 'expenses' (ie. beer and fags) first.

Just out of curiosity, is anyone else also suffering the following symptoms?

Empty fridge
No vitamins
No petrol
Mobile phone cut-off (again)
Maxed credit card, gathering interest like a magnet
Only 2 pairs pants, 1 bra that fits (for now..)
Make-up running low
Trailer-park like regrowth in hair that badly needs a cut
Not a cent even for a coffee with a friend
Stuck at home like some kind of pet?

Oh, and :
Anger
Depression
General insanity

I am the only pregnant girl on earth who won't be able to afford nappies? I know people raise babies on the benefit and I take my hat off to them, I truly do. How can you support yourself, let alone a newborn, when you have NOTHING?

I'm not after sympathy. I need practical advice and experience. I need to know I'm not the only one.

****THANKS****** Thanks ladies for your replies. Well that is the thing, if I do pack my stuff and leave now then at least I would get $150 a week on the unemployment benefit. Wow that would be like Xmas. Staying here though I am entitled to nothing from the Govt because of what he earns (and keeps to himself!)

I know for a fact however if I did leave my H and take our child that he may never forgive me and I would have an estranged, bitter father who will blame me for everything (he does already for us being poor). Not a pretty outcome and not a path I'm prepared to go down just yet.

Because it is his first child too, I feel like I need to give him a chance at least until the baby is born. I know it is hard for men with their first on the way because the physical changes aren't happening to them and it doesn't seem real until the baby comes. In his defence he has been very supportive in attending the scans, docs appoints and classes etc. He is actually not a bad person, just clueless and immature - especially about $$.

Clueless or not however I am very stressed and depressed and am now dreading my due date. It is a sh*t place to be in. I feel completely trapped and I hate it.

Would be interesting to hear from any Dads- to- be who are keeping the nest afloat while their partner is pregnant. Is it men in general who are like this or just mine?

Edited by smcgr

Hun is your husband refusing to support you and his unborn child just because you haven't found a new job yet?! At 20-odd weeks pregnant?? There are loads of people without jobs in NZ at the moment. You are definitely not alone. This is going to sound harsh maybe, but have you looked into leaving him, whether you would get some financial assistance if you WERE on your own?

If that's not an option, you need to put your foot down re the beer and fags. They are NOT essentials. Saving so that you have something put aside for nappies and things later on IS essential. Your husband needs to start thinking of someone other than himself, he's going to be a father soon!



Edited by kiwisj

I'm not sure where in the country you are, but in Auckland there is a pregnancy support service that hands out newborn clothes, nappies etc etc.

Oh and ive never taken vitamins or worn make up ... so I cant help you with that part.

OMG hugs to you!

I second kiwisj on the leaving him front?
Ok I know thats probably not exactly practical advice but if you have nothing and your baby has nothing, would it not be a better option to put yourself into a situation where you and your baby CAN have something?

I am assuming you have made efforts to correct these issues with your hubby to no avail?
If it helps, here is my story.

At 14 weeks preggy I lost (well actually threw in) my job cause they treated me like snot.
DP, although supported me in front of other people, was furious with me (understandable I guess...). Anyways, he refused to help me financially and despite my efforts to find another job, I could not due to being preggy.
Consequently things between the two of us deteriorated and many of the girls on here will remember a thread I started, asking for help which turned into a huge mess.
ANYWAY...I ended up leaving him, I went bankrupt, blah blah blah.
Ended up on the benefit and finally started to get life back on track, looked after myself and baby followed suit.
Once on the benefit I was getting only $190 a week (I was living with my parents so only paying $40 board a week) which isn't a lot but better than nothing.

A few months later, DP and I actually got back together, he realised his failings and has since pulled his head in. Although his "old self" rears it's ugly head every now and then, it only takes a quick reminder and it generall scurries back to it's cave.

With the benefit money I was on, I managed to get EVERYTHING I needed for baby and if I was still on my own, I would still be able to provide for myself and baby and still live quite comfortably in a rented house.


Anyway my point is, if you leave, maybe he'll change his tune and you guys can get back together and live happily ever after.
If he doesn't change then you can rest easy knowing that you and baby can live a comfortable (although maybe modest) life on the benefit that you are entitled to.


Feel free to PM me if you want anymore help.
I also have boxes of second hand baby clothes and I'd be happy to send some to you.


ETA: The benefit I was on was ony unemployment which is hy it's so low. DPB is significantly more than that.

Edited by Mum2Mac

first of all hugs

Your man sounds like an idiot to me. He needs to "man up" as Mindyw said, and learn that together you are bringing a new life into this world that is completly dependent on you two. If it was me I would be out of there like a shot, crashing at a mates if I had to, till I could find somewhere of my own. Talk to winz about accomdation supplements, and look at getting on a benefit of some sort. Put your foot down and tell him that he needs to sort his sh*t out or your gone. There are lots of lovely ladies on here who can help and give great advice.

I don't see how anyone could be with someone that would choose ciggarets over his partner and unborn child. Obviously I am not going to tell you to leave him as it is none of my business! But your situation sounds sh*t! and he doesn't sound like he is helping. Gosh, if my partner doesnt pay for mu 6weekly haor appts, boy there is trouble!!!

Surely there are family members that can support you? Not neccesarily financially, but somewhere to live for a bit, giving him time to get back to reality and to realise what is important in life.

You mention that he *might* step up after baby is born and he should get a chance to have a father, to me he should be stepping up now. You need to eat well and relax, and most importantly you need to enjoy the time you have to yourself beofre baby is here. Surely, keeping this money from you is some form of abuse, sounds it to me anyway. You aren't just partners, you are actually married!

I just dont get how someone (him) can be so selfish! He needs a wake up call now!! Please just dont sit back and do nothing, I would hate you to continue like this.

all the best!

Mum2Sam wrote: I just also wanted to add that once the baby is born you could possibly (depending on your DH's earnings) be eligible for Working for Families tax credits which will will help buy nappies etc. You will also be eligible for the one off Tax Credit being that you won't get Paid parental leave. You can find out about all these entitlements at the working for families and IRD websites. Definitley worth a look as they won't be your Hubby's money and will be paid into your name/bank account. Hopefully that will make things easier.

How do you get this Tax credit?
I was lead to believe that because I wasn't working that I couldn't get this?

MindyW wrote: I think you may need to look into what would be best for you and your baby. Do you have family or close friends that can help out if you decide to go it alone? I'm not sure how realistic you DH is being about you getting a job when you are 23 weeks pregnant when you would need to leave in a couple of months, I'm also struggling with the refusing to support you financially. I'm truely sorry to say this but I think he needs to "man up" and help his wife and baby. All this stress will be affecting baby as well. I would follow Lilfattys advice and seek out pregnancy support services. I'm sure you are not the only one going through this This forum is very supportive and I have learnt a lot from it. There are also a lot of money saving tips on here as well. All the best for your pregnancy and take care

totally agree
Im sorry but he dosent deserve you, you need to tell him how you feel and what will happen if he dosent man up. What his he going to teach your children but how to be disrespectful to the woman he loves .

You may feel stuck betweena rock and a hard place sweet, but your Mum skills will kick in when you have that babe in your arms and you will do whatever it takes to make your child safe and happy and provided for.
Happy Mum is happy babe
I really feel for you - you have loads of support on here xxx

Oh and give us you sizes - etc - Im sure there are a few on here who can afford to pull a few things out of the closet for you - Will PM you for your details xx



Edited by Raspberryjam

Maybe you should remind him of this

"to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part"

Which part of the country are you in?

I have given away all my childrens clothes (well the ones that don't fit anymore, not all of them!) but I have some toys and a play mat you can have if you are in the CHCH area, might be a bit pricey to ship.

Aww hun, i know how you feel. When i found out i was pregnant with mine and my partners first ( not engaged yet ) i freaked, i was happy about it and so was he but we knew money would be a problem. At that stage i was going through leaving my work due to me not being able to carry out what the job wanted, me studying something i wasnt interested in. Once i left me and my partner had to live on $700 a fortnight and our bills and everything were more then that. Especially with having to save for a baby.

In the end everything sorted it self out and we are ok now, still struggling with money, but way better then before i guess My partner is supporting me and bubs and dosnt seem to mind atm Some men can be pricks at time, maybe try talking to him about everything and how you are feeling, a true partner would understand what his wife is going through and respect that

Big Hugs to you, everything will get better, just wait and see I know what it feels like when you feel like the whole world sucks and nothing seems to go right for you, but in time it will