Im going crazy..

This might end up a novel. Iv never told anyone this before..

When Kylah was born, i was holding her, she was all floppy and stuff but i didnt know any different. She stopped breathing at ten minutes old, and the MW couldnt get the oxygen tap on so was hammering on the big red button. People came flying in all directions and they got her breathing again.

They said she was fine.

But the thing is, i cant help but wonder if its done something to her.

When we bought her home (the same day, as there was no room for us anywhere) i couldnt forget it, everytime i put her down i couldnt stop thinking i would go back to her and she would be dead. Everytime i slept i would dream she was suffocating, couldnt breathe and she would die before i got to her. I didnt leave the house for the first 6 or 8 weeks as i was afraid of taking her away from my comfort zone. I was scared of her crying. BF wasnt going to well, i was afraid of doing that in public too.

The dreams dont happen anymore, they lasted about 8 months, i still think bad things alot, like when shes slept through the night, il lie in bed and have to work myself up to go check her because i just think the worst, im afraid of going in there and she will be lifeless.. I cant shake the feeling that she wasnt breathing properly that whole ten minutes and then got oxygen. I cant help but think its my fault i should have said something to my MW but i didnt. I think that shes not walking because theres something wrong, she didnt crawl till 11 months and i think its because theres something wrong, i know theres not but i cant stop thinking about it.

Tell me im just going mad!

Oh and I didnt realise this till I was re-reading my notes but Tom was floppy at birth too.  And we had that scare with the bleed on his brain and he is in NO WAY delayed at all.  Smart little cookie is soon going to outwit us.

Cooper started walking on Christmas Eve at 15mths... and he's still crawling, as he can get to where he wants to alot faster....

If you are concerned about her developmentally perhaps talk to your PN or GP. I'm sure she is fine, remember kids develop at different stages to others.

I know the feeling from the birth I am the same...:( *hugs to you*

she is doing fine though but as the others say get her checked out if you are worried...as for the checking..i am the same...it's just normal I think.....and I actually have OCD but that is definitely not part of it...... anyway just trying to say what you feel is normal after what you have been through and big hugs to you!

Keziah hasn't taken her first steps yet and she's 14 months... she started crawling late (11 months) but has been bum shuffling since 8.5 months and still does this more than the others cause she can get where she's going faster and she can hold onto things while she's on the move LOL cheeky wee thing

I too check on her 3 or 4 times between her going to bed, and us going to bed a few hours later

It's perfectly normal to feel worried chicky... it's all in a days work I think

It was terrible. I hated it. I had no skin to skin, only like 5 mins. I was in shock, and noone even spoke to me the whole time i was at the hospital after the birth. Noone showed me how to BF, i couldnt get her to wake up so she didnt feed for the whole day, it wasnt untill i came on here and my lovely August mums gave me ideas to help, and that worked.

I just couldnt believe the lack of care, or support. The whole time i was awake i could hear nurses outside my door complaining how busy it was and how they wished some people would just go home.

The whole experience makes me want to cry.

lilfatty wrote: Oh and every morning when I wake I have a panic attack until I hear her make a noise, or I go down and see her chest rising and falling.

Thats exactly what i do, i just lie there and panic! I love the days where i wake up to her talking because i dont have to worry.

I come up with every bad senario there could be untill she wakes up.

You're not crazy at all!
it seems to me that you had an awful birth experience and they really treated you like crap!
They should have kept a closer eye on you and bubs! especially being a first time young mum.

I had my daughter at 19 at chch womans and i wasnt very impressed with them.
thats why i had two subsequent home births.

i think anyone that went through your after birth experience would act exactly the same.

I still check my kids every night and sometimes several times ( and my eldest has just turned 9)
i think its just part of being a mum.

I wonder though if you would be able to go to counselling or something? just to work through that trauma.
I have just started going to counselling for my anxiety atttacks and its really amazing.

It all sounds normal to me Kandice, just part of our mummy paranoia and having a traumatic birth/hospital experience wouldn't help matters.

With regards to her development, Spencer took his first step on the 4th Dec (he had taken the odd step between furniture but that was his first step into the big open world), he then didn't really do anything more until xmas day and now he is pretty much walking. He would walk further if he didn't find it so funny, walking while laughing causes falling over. He spent a good few months happy to walk holding one hand or charge along behind his truck but just didn't have the confidence to take that step out in to nowhere. We have seen a paed as he was late sitting and gp was worried it could be connected to his eye condition and they told us anything up to 2 is normal for walking and it doesn't sound to me like she will take that long.

I only got about a minute of skin to skin with Tom and then no touching or contact for 9hrs!! It really bothered me and I had a wee meltdown about "abandoning" my baby a few months later.  I really needed to talk it through with DH and then I felt better about it.  But it is so important to debrief after a traumatic experience like that.  Big hugs....she's fine.