Bad Mummy Syndrome

So we have been at home for 5 days now, and I am really struggling to 'get over' feeling liking I am failing my baby already. We had problems getting him to latch when we were still at Birthcare and the paediatrician told us he was dehydrated, so we ended up "topping up" his feeds with formula. Interestingly enough because of their accreditation Birthcare were okay with this, but didnt give us any information about making this choice.

So, I have the major guilts about this choice, and feel like I have already failed to give my baby enough to eat, and now he has an incredibly sore bottom (so much so he screams when we wipe him) it is raw and really red, and its breaking my heart that he is in pain. (We are using warm water to wipe and zinc castor oil cream to try and clear it up).  Now that my milk has come in he is feeding a lot better, but is still so hungry that we are topping up with the formula. We went to see the lactation consultant this morning and she was helpful in teaching me a better technique for feeding, but managed to make me feel like absolute sh*t by telling me in no uncertain terms that its a shame we started on the formula as it increases the risk of asthma and allergies.....oh great now I feel even worse.  He was sleeping really well after a feed (we put him on the breast, then give formula) but for the last 24hours he has been really unsettled, and I am not sure if its his bottom or that he is hungry or what? All I know is that I feel like a failure.

Now to top it all off, we have figured out that he is comfort suckling (after reading the Plunket Baby's first 100 days book) so we have resorted to using a dummy to try and settle him down. Great - another thing I now feel guilty and crap about. The lactation consultant told us that we shouldnt be using one - but I cant just continue to put him on the breast to comfort him everytime he grizzles - can I?

Please tell me that I havent managed to fail all the mummy tests in the first week, and that our decisions arent going to have turned our beautiful boy into an axe weilding physco when he grows up?  (On the serious side - I am struggling with the feeling of totally sucking at this and feel like I am making all the wrong choices / decisions). DH is fantastic, and thinks I am being silly - he thinks that we are making all the right choices for Ollie, and at the end of the day so long as he is happy and healthy then thats all that matters - problem is I am not sure our choices are having that result?

 

Awww big hugs, a lot of where you're coming from is likely to be associated with the baby blues (drop off of happy hormones), not to mention the exhaustion and overwhelming sense of responsibility for your little man!

Don't let ANYONE tell you whether breastmilk vs formula, or comfort feeding vs thumb sucking vs dummy, is best for your child and your family. Only you and your DH can make those decisions. People criticise about everything and you'll probably develop a thick skin in not too long.

In the first 8 weeks of a baby's life they go through growth spurts about every second week. It's really draining and they want heaps of feeding but IMO if you run with it and let them feed and establish your milk properly, it'll get easier quicker. Most of his comfort sucking is probably hunger in the first month so I would ditch the dummy and let him get that milk in. It will make him a happier bub. Dummies are awesome for reflux babies but that doesn't usually develop until around 6 weeks or so.

How soon are you planning on going back to work and/or weaning him to at least 50% formula? If you don't want to go that route, start dropping formula feeds, one at a time, until you have taken over with bm. If you find it hard to get the absolutely correct latch (I know it's hard, I found it almost impossible until #3 was about a month old) then keep on asking, asking, asking, until someone sticks with you and checks every second day or as often as you need that you've got it right. It will boost your confidence too. Otherwise if you're only planning on taking 3mos maternity leave or similar, make a choice as to bf/formula and run with it!

Hope some of that helps. As for the rash, change him often (you probably already are) and keep on doing what you're doing. Is it still getting worse or is it now on the mend? He may be reacting to the formula or something you've eaten.

Oh hon, don't feel bad, the first few weeks are rough and I think we all feel what you're feeling right now. I know I was inconsolable several times in the first week, sure that I had just stuffed everything up and would never figure anything out or be a good mum. These feelings will pass, I promise!

Whatever decisions you make are the best ones at the time. If it keeps Ollie happy and you and DH sane (well, as sane as you can be with a newborn!) then don't sweat it.   
With the feeding, it sounds like you are being torn in different directions - not feeling like you can just let him suck and not feeling like you can give him a dummy or formula either. Recipe for confusion! Great that you are reading up on things and getting advice, but keep in the back of your mind that everyone has a different opinion based on their experiences and education, so you have to decide for yourself by filtering all of their views.

If you want to let him suck every time he is grizzly, go for it. It won't harm him and will probably help boost your milk supply. Just think that he has been in your tummy and so close to you for so many months, if he wants to be close at the moment then there is no harm in letting him.
Likewise, if the dummy or formula strategy is working for you and he's happy, then go for it. The key is to stop second guessing yourself. It sounds like you have an awesome supportive DH, maybe you guys should turn the phones off for a little while and just do your thing, focus on the three of you and being a new family, and it will make you feel better.

I like what Busymum said:
Don't let ANYONE tell you whether breastmilk vs formula, or comfort feeding vs thumb sucking vs dummy, is best for your child and your family. Only you and your DH can make those decisions. People criticise about everything and you'll probably develop a thick skin in not too long.

And second the no nappy time for the rashy bum. Fresh air is the best thing.

Edited by Mazzy

Your DH sounds a lot like mine. I stress about every little thing that I do and whether it is the right thing and he tells me that we are doing a damn fine job and that I shouldn't listen to other peoples comments/opinions.

My friends baby had formula top ups from day one because he was lathargic and low sugar levels and wouldn't latch, with support from a lactation consultant and her DP she had him fully on the boob by 7 weeks so if you want to go that route it should be possible. She also had supply issues and expressed between and after feeds to build her supply up.
Don't beat yourself up about giving formula. I think it was very bad of your lactation consultant to make those comments.

If you want to let him comfort suckle at the boob then great it will help build your supply up, but if you are tired or sore and he is just comfort sucking let him have a dummy and don't beat yourself up about it. Spencer had a dummy at that age and it has done him no harm.

I agree with busymum, don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't be doing.

That fact that you are concerned about doing the right thing tells me that you are a great mum.

i agree with what everyone is said big big hugs and remeber baby will still love you weather hes b/feeds or is bottle feed

YOU ARE NOT A CRAP MUM!!!!

now i know i dont know you but your baby is only a few weeks old and there is now way you can achieve crap mum status in such a short time.... you have only ever done what you belive to be right for your baby.

It is not too late to start over, In my opinion.

Take the next couple of days just hanging out feeding your baby, and maybe to help his bum keep the nappies off or maybe just loosely wrap something round his bum to catch the output...

him feeding constantly may not be comfort suckling, it may be him building up your supply so he doesnt need formula any more... by letting him suck and feed as often as possible your milk supply will increase and you WILL be able to stop the formula (if you want).

RELAX, hang out with your baby and cuddle and feed him and let yourself start again... There will be plenty of other opportunities to doubt yourself and berate yourself as a crap mum... now is not the time for that tho...    

I fully agree with what has been said already.

Your first week sounds almost identical to mine. We did formula topups for two days at the beginning as my milk hadn't come in. I felt as guilty as hell!!! But also realise that it was the best thing for Cooper.

I also bet myself up over having to rock him to sleep! However, soon realised that he was just a newborn baby and wanted to be with me still. I came around to the "anyway to get them to sleep" mode! And now he's 10 weeks and can settle himself and is very happy in bed.

I guess the best advice that I got was try not to rush things. I 2nd the idea of having lots of cuddles and feed when he seems to want too. 10 weeks on and I still demand feed him during the day and I'm only getting up once now in the night (so he must be really full!!).

And remember it's only early days and I bet you're a great mum!

i agree with everything as well. i remember watching some comedy show that pretty much summarised everything I felt in the first few days...

couple with newborn walk up to nursing station
"well, we've tried it out and we've decided it's not for us"
"yes, it seems broken, it doesn't feed or sleep like the manuel said"
"and we seem to be missing a manual for this one"
"so yes, thank you, but no" and they hand the baby to the nurse and walk off.

big hugs - it does get better and easier...but it takes a while to get to know each other. don't believe what the nappy ads tel you

Keep your chin up hun, people are weird & dont realise how hurtful & destroying some things are.
You are the besest Mum for your child & i believe they choose you for a reason & you will both go through life learning lessons together- growing up together
No 1 is a bad mum, we do the best we can, with what we know how
Heaps of hugs from me

The only thing I want to add to all the wonderful advice you've been given here is to make sure you keep YOUR fluids up! It's not exact, but input creates output so your body will find it easier to make the milk your darling boy is enjoying if its got the resources to call on... when you go to feed him, make sure you have a glass of water and a snack of some sort, and that will help keep your energy levels up a bit too.