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chonni 
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 Topic: relationship help??
Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:18pm |
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hi i just need sum advice
me and my partner have been together for almost 6 years now but we broke up when i got pregnant and then got back together, but for about 4months now he has been getting stressd because appt im not clean enough!!! (with the house) not true i keep the house just as cleen as the next person. we dont live together he still lives with his mum, so why the hell is he telling me how clean i should be, by the way his mum still babys him and even foulds his undies!! but last night he told me the he has to think about our relationship because he doesint think im marrage matrial!! what does that mean!!! this broke my heart as i love him to bits. and then today he sent me this email
im sorryfor what i said last night i was being such a jerk to you and you didnt deserveany of it, theres just alot of things going through my mind at the moment andits hard because i find it weeird to talk to you about it which isnt good forme because i bottle them up all the time and my stress just raises of the roof.i know you have been cleaning and making the house look nice and im grateful forit. i just cant adapt to the way u live at the moment and soon probally i will.It's like sometimes i dont know you and i dont understand you, just like me. Improud to be a dad and i will cherish Mila for all my life and do anything forher. At times i would like to think about myself to and what i wanna pursue tobecome happy and obviously to make you happy (buying you things to make youfeel good about yourself etc etc) I kno sometimes you dont feel attractivewhich i still think you are and just tryna brighten you up. But sometimes ifeel like the things you tryna make me happy for doesnt seem real, like im notsure if your doing it for the kindness of your heart, i just dont kno, (see howim just soo confused, like i could be saying this and i could be so wrong, )theres things i just need to think over like what we are doing thats makingthis relationship not working. Right now thoe i dont want this to get in theway of our babys 1st birthday. This is all i can say for now. i hope u dontread this and feel anger or hatred in you. Cuz thats what im always afraid. Tell Mila Daddy loves her and Misses her so much
what do i do. please help anyadvise ould be good
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lilfatty
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Joined: 22 August 2007
Location: Waitakere
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:36pm |
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Firstly "clean" has different meanings to different people ... my Mum was a clean freak, so I tend to like my house to be clean clean, whereas DHs Mum wasnt a clean freak so his version of clean is different, especially if he is used to being "waited" on by Mum lol
I would say one thing though ... he has worries .. give him some time to get his thoughts together, he may not know how to vocalise them to you yet without
a) hurting your feelings
b) starting world war three
If it (you and him) are meant to be .. it will happen.
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I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year  LFs weight blog
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MumsyMoo
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:38pm |
 chonni wrote:
he has been getting stressd because appt im not clean enough!!! (with the house) .............he told me the he has to think about our relationship because he doesint think im marrage matrial!! what does that mean!!! this broke my heart as i love him to bits. |
Hey lovey,
Goodness me, sounds sooooo familiar! I have this exact argument ALL the time.
My DF and I are still together and living together and I get this from him all the time.
I keep my house in a tidy state, ok... so maybe you can't eat off the floors and the place is cluttered, but that's what happens when you've got as much stuff as we do and have such a small place with o storage.
He grew up living in show-home quality houses which were sparkling floor to ceiling, so he has high HIGH expectations.
Thing is, I get no help from him at all, so makes things even more difficult.
"I won't be ready to marry you until you learn how to be clean..."
WTF!? Way to break a girls heart... Why'd you propose to me then dickhead!?
Sorry, I have nothing to say that can be of any help, but just know that there's someone else going through what you are 
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Mazzy
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Location: Waikato
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:43pm |
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Agree about the clean thing. Also, he does realise you have an 11 month old in the house, right? I'm a clean freak but have had to re-evaluate my priorities with a toddler around. Perhaps you could gently tell him that sometimes Mila is more of a priority, but that you do try to keep things clean?
I really like Lilfatty's advice to give him some time and let him sort through things. It's hard because you're probably worried about it, but communication is the most important thing in any relationship and it sounds like you guys have to figure out how to best do that with each other. Tell him that you're ready to listen whenever he's figured things out and you're happy for him to take that time to think. He'll appreciate it. And it will probably give you some time to be calm as well. Whatever happens, will be the right thing.
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chonni
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:43pm |
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exactly its not easy looking after a baby with supa bad exzma all alone when he goes bak to his mums house where his mum is like a slave to her husband. i keep my house clean clean but just somtimes like yesterday it had a few things where it wasint ment to be because i didint have time to do them. and he thinks studying at te 5hours or less a day is hard work and that my jobs so easy
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Andie
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:43pm |
Aw, hun... 
Sounds like he's sorting some stuff out in his own head, which is great... but can take time. Do you know what you'd like for the two of you? It might help to know whether or not you'd like to live together, to ever marry, have more children or leave it at one... even though all this stuff can change anyway, at least if you're able to communicate your wants and hopes for your relationship to him, it'll give both of you more to work with, and hopefully he'll be able to do the same.
Had to giggle that his mum folds his undies!! I never even knew undies needed folding!
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Andie
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chonni
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:47pm |
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yeah i have told him that he can think about it. but its not easy for me to do this because ibleaive tht we should be talking about this together because it involves me its not just what he is going through. and he doesint unerstand that we come first he still want to do wat he wants nd hello we are here sitting at home alone!!!
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chonni
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 3:51pm |
Andie wrote:
Aw, hun...
Sounds like he's sorting some stuff out in his own head, which is great... but can take time. Do you know what you'd like for the two of you? It might help to know whether or not you'd like to live together, to ever marry, have more children or leave it at one... even though all this stuff can change anyway, at least if you're able to communicate your wants and hopes for your relationship to him, it'll give both of you more to work with, and hopefully he'll be able to do the same.
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i know what i wnt i love him and want to moe in with him and all that, i thought that he did to untill yesterday, i dont know if he just wants out or sumthing coz this is what he did when i got pregnant andi found out from his sister that he hadint loved me in ages, and everyone was telling him to leave me but he never did untill i got pregnant
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Andie
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 4:00pm |
Ooohhh that sounds like a tough thing to go through. I don't envy you this, girl.
If he's taking time away to consider things, then it might be a good time for you to also re-evaluate where you stand on the issues that are there. Oh I know, that sounds awfully 'cloud has a silver lining' (  ) but I guess the space from each-other makes it a good time to individually assess what's going on, without the other person's reactions and opinions clouding things. If only for a while. He's off thinking about the relationship (and good on him, too) and maybe even making some changes or decisions, well you have a say in this too, and while you can't make someone stay, you can decide if it's best that they don't... not that I'm saying this is the case with you two, but if he's going to come back to you with a clear head then how cool would it be for you to be able to do the same?
BTW... don't feel bad about the house! It's hard work being at home with a nearly 1-yr-old, but so many men never seem to 'get' that. He could start a club for men that feel that way... and there'd be millions of members! But at the end of the day, you need to set the priorities for your time as a parent, partner, and everything else that you are. And spending time with your girl over frantically cleaning up in order to avoid criticism - well, that sounds like a wonderful investment that you're already making
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Andie
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minik8e
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 4:02pm |
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Just a curious question....has he ever looked after Mila for a whole day or two, by himself with no help?
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Andie
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 4:03pm |
SORRY!!! I just read your above reply after posting that one... 
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Andie
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kebakat
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 4:07pm |
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I have kinda skimmed through some responses so sorry if I'm doubling up.
Why not ask him for a deal.. by this I mean, you tell him you'll give him time to think about whatever he wants to think about it but say in a week or whatever time frame you want it to be, you guys sit down and have a good chat about these things. Get him to even write a list so he doesn't forget things. It can also make it easier to talk about hard things when its written down. And maybe you could write a list of things you want to know etc
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chonni
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 4:08pm |
minik8e wrote:
Just a curious question....has he ever looked after Mila for a whole day or two, by himself with no help? |
no he hasint, the most he has without me was for about 3hours and he took her to his mums house. if i go meet friends i take mila wth me, i change her nappies and get her dressed and undressd put her creams on because he says that im better at doing it so he want me to do that
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lilfatty
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 5:01pm |
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Also I know how he feels .. when things get on top of me I find it hard to verbalise so I always tend to write it down in a letter form for DH to read.
This gives me time to think about what I want to say (and in a way that doesnt feel like im attacking him) ... then DH reads it and it gives him time to think it over then we both discuss it.
Maybe you guys could do something like that.
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Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months)
I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year LFs weight blog
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chonni
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 5:03pm |
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yeah that sounds like a good idea i might try that out thanx
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busymum
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 5:53pm |
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Aw what a stressful situation for you. He actually sounds like he's trying to be quite lovely about it and he probably has to sort out in his mind whether he is also ready for long-term. Let him have that little mental break, it works wonders for guys especially. But after that I wonder if you guys would be able to get away for a date (Mila left with MIL or babysitter) and actually talk over what you want for your future, and whether pre-marital counselling might be of assistance to you both.
*hugs*
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kathyandbub
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 7:31pm |
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omg my partner did exact same thing last night always on at me bout how i tidy my house while hes at home getting his mum to run around after him, i swear he has never done housework in his life!!!!!!!! and he doesnt even hold his son for more then 5 minutes befor handing him back. its so hard and sometimes i wonder if it is worth it. sorry i have no advice just wanted to let you know that im in the same boat
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Roksana
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 8:02pm |
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Before I say any thing at all I have one question...is he Indian??
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chonni
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Posted: 20 August 2008 at 9:02pm |
Roksana wrote:
Before I say any thing at all I have one question...is he Indian?? |
no hes malay and his religion is muslim, which is also a prob because he wants me to turn muslim before i get married and mila but i just dont bleaive in that
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Bombshell
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 10:30am |
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oh dear....but LOL at Roksana for realising the different culture from what you said...I didnt have heart to ask you the same but did think it!
Is there any chance the two of you could have counselling...I say that as he sounds like he needs to get his head around a lot...but also nees you to understand and play a role in where he wants and needs to be...hence why i dont think one party counselling is best for you guys....
contact the relationship services or family court in your area - they do free counselling and it may really help. You need to understand him just as much as he needs to undertand you.
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relationship help??
My wee girl is the love and light of my life! 
