What would you do?

I'm an inhome caregiver, and have a wee 3 year old boy who is deaf that I take care of every day for a few hours.
Over the past 7 months I have been battling with his mother and CYFS, trying to get them to see he is not cared for properly and deserves to be in a better home. They have been involved in his life for quite some time and they were quite aware of the things she was doing, but instead of pulling him out they had things in place to help him, like putting him in with me daily and seeing his grandparents in the weekend etc.

I won't go into much detail about all of the things that were happening to him, so to cut a long story short his Mother has up and left him to be with some bloke she met on the internet. He is currently staying with his grandparents. CYFS have asked them to have him permanently and they have said no, so now this boy is going to go into care (once they get some sort of court order to do so)
I was speaking to CYFS today and I am in the position where I can have him permanently if I wish to go through all the testing etc.

I don't know what to do! I really feel for this little boy and have been fighting for his wellbeing for the past 7 months. I keep thinking about the fact that he really thrived being with me and has gone from not speaking any words, to speaking sentences. I am torn between doing something selfless for this little boy, and turning family upside down to accomodate him. Our family will go from 4 to 5, we'll need a bigger car, the kids will have a new "brother", it will really affect our lives in a big way and will not be an easy road. There will be lawyers and court cases, not to mention his special needs as he is deaf and is so far behind in his development he will need a lot of help. All of these things DH says is not "worth" the hassle and stress, which is completely understandable.

DH is still thinking about it, and I said I would come on here and see if anyone had any advice for us. I am really naive and don't think about things before I do them... all I know is that I want to help this little boy, but I realise I may not be thinking very clearly and perhaps I should just be happy he will be in a better home than where he was. I just feel for him because I am the only one he "knows" that is in the position to take him.

What would you do?

Wow! You have such a big heart for even considering this option.

I don't know what to do either? If you choose to take him it will be hard, really, really hard. But it also has the potential to be really rewarding as well.

Hmm it is a difficult one, I know my partner woudl be like your partner.

Do you feel that he coudl be a part of your family, coudl you treat him the same way you treat your biological children?
I think if you coudl treat them as siblings and make no ditinctive difference and of course allowing your biological chldren some time to adjust then I would say yes. You sound like a loving mum and that is what he will need.

Can you cope with this financially? Is there extra help you can get? Will CYFS be supportive?

I love that you care this much!

My DP would probably say no. And if he did I'd have to accept that, I think part of being a non-bio child in a family unit is for it to work, everybody has to be able to enjoy it. I grew up in a family where a lot of the relations are adopted (cousins, uncles etc) and the love we all have for each other is amazing - family is family not because of blood, but because everybody welcomes them with open arms and open hearts.

If your DH says yes - do it!! You already have a place in your heart for this child, a place in your home is only logical. Yes it will be hard, but anything good takes a bit of hard work.

DH is more concerned about the fact that our own kids might "suffer" from it. He says one will have to share a room with him, and we won't have as much money etc. And that we need to put them first before the wee boy.

He still isn't sure about it, I don't want to take him on if he isn't keen as I know he will resent the little boy for it.

I know I can treat him as my own, I keep thinking about the fact that he will be at family events, Christmas etc, and wonder if he will be accepted by everyone else in the family as well...

*Edited to add, we will get assistance which covers clothing allowance and board. But we will need to get a bigger car .*

Edited by kaiz231

i guess you would need to consider the heart break side of if it too. i mean what if the mother decided a year or two down the track that she wants him back... how will you and the family cope with that. (and even tho she has abandoned him now once she realises she was better off finanically she might reconsider - selfish people are like that ).

the financial aspect and the expanding of the family is pretty much the same things you would need to consider if having a child of your own anyway. so the emotional side would be the biggest deciding factor to me.

what a hard decision to made... and wow to you to even thinking about it!

I would say yes, but then again, Im the girl that bought home every stray animal she found and when we bought a puppy I had to have the one that had an anomaly because I was convinced no one else would take her.

However .. if i didnt have the support of DH, I couldnt do it, only because I would hate to know that DH didnt "love" my new child as much as our others and it would tear my heart out!

You are such an amazing woman ..

Well I just spoke to my Mum and she said "Whatever you decide to do, you know me and your father will accept him as part of the family and treat as one of our own"
My Mum is very much like me though, she said she would have taken him herself had she not been so old.

I wish we could take him for a wee while just to see how we get on, but from what I understand CYFS want him to stay "put" so that he doesn't have too much messing around. I've just left a message for them to call me so I can find out some more info, so me and DH can chat this evening about it.

I don't think I can cope with the emotional side of it, watching the way his mother treated him and not being able to do anything about it consumed me. I got so wound up and if it turns out she came back into his life and took him back it would probably tear me apart. But all this time I have coped with the fact that at least that little time with me every day was enough stimulation and happiness for him and I was doing something good...so I guess it would be another thing to think about.

You are amazing.
I agree with everything jazzy said. I don't know how old your children are? But I'd talk it over with them too.

Assuming you guys are in the right circumstances, on the remotional side ~ Adding to a family, no matter how you do it, is generally a whole lot more positive then wondering what if?

I have the worlds greatest mother in law who has had hundreds of foster kids through her home with varying degrees of disability and/or upbringing. I'm sure she'd be happy to respond to an email with any concerns if you want other foster/adoptive parents to chat to.




edited to add: All IMHO - but I think finances are Huuuuuuuge! You need to be super secure and comfortable, so that no financial issues are going to be put on his shoulders on the future, if that makes sense.

Edited by Flake

Oh wow, I'm with the others who have said you are an amazing woman to even consider this.

I am the same as you, my heart would be saying to just do it. I think my DH would have similar concerns and I think you guys have a LOT of talking to do (to each other and to people in the know).

One of my extended family members fostered a number of children while her own kids were growing up. She was another amazing woman and her own kids got a lot out of it too.

It's awesome that your parents are behind you if you decide to take this wee boy on.

Good luck x