Helping out or not..

To follow on a lively discussion in the confession thread - manily to stop the threadjack, lol....

I've made it fairly clear I don't hold much regard for women who expect their partner/hubby/etc to get out of his workmind and immediately turn into dad/homehelp role when they get home from work, almost to the point of waiting for them to get home to "hand over".

maybe its different cos we no longer have "babies"...however, while preschoolers are easier in some aspects, they are also harder in others.

And two or more kids is a million million times harder work than just the one so if you are under pressure with one child best not have anymore, then...

I've also made it fairly clear that my take on this is that his job is to earn the money (and mine to spend, lol) and my job is to mind the kids (or stick them in preschool, lol) and the house and thats how we have chosen it, if I could earn more money maybe he'd stay at home and I'd work

Ive also made it very clear I can't believe that women give their men "pocket money" out of money THEY worked for or deny them money full stop...and think its funny!!

However, despite sounding like a 50's house wife, I couldn't be farther from that, lol. We are in no way traditional people with traditional roles, rather I see those areas as our "jobs".

My husband helps out, but to be honest I rather prefer to do it myself, my way, my timeframe etc.
He's great at kicking in and tidying up, helping juggle kids and doing anyhting I might ask him to, however there is never any expectation that he "should" or "shouldn't" help out (although I do expect he cleans up after tea since I usually cook) He does tidy up after himself (luckily his first wife trained him) and he knows I run a tight ship as in if it isn't out It isn't washed and I can't mind read so tell me you want something at the store or sit and spin and if you don't pull it up it remians unmade since you get out last. They cotton on fairly quickly..not like kids,lol

So i guess the point of this post is how does it work in your house hold andhow does it affect your relationship (as in nagging.arguing/resentment?)

I'm one of those who expects DH to put his hand up and start helping when he gets in the door, as he does when I get home from work. In saying that, they're usually changed and being fed tea when he gets home, so it's more of an "amuse them so I can get tea on". If he is home, he has to do bottle duty so that they are both fed at the same time. I also expect him to do the normal household things on days when I am at work and he has the care of the girls - i.e. do a load of washing of the girls' stuff (washing is done every day here), make sure they're fed etc. and also make sure the highchairs are cleaned after their lunch....so pretty standard, but never done!!!

I also believe that, on days when I have work and don't get home until mid-late evening, he should have at least organised some form of (reasonable) dinner for the two of us - I know that he can cook simple stuff, and it's not difficult to pull something out of the freezer. Me not being home till 8.30pm doesn't mean that he shouldn't eat until I get home, because that's just silly.

On top of this (wow, I sound harsh), I expect him to get on with the renovations (or, more truthfully, do what he frigging well says he's going to do) and mow the lawns.

How does it work though.....I nag. And I get really really peeved because it's hardly ever done. I don't think that what I ask of him is unreasonable - I work between 20-30 hours a week (on my feet the entire time), and am studying 3 Uni papers extramurally, plus look after the girls when I'm not at work. Yes, DH works 40 hours a week (not that taxing....sitting in a digger). I do the laundry (provided it's put out, because if it's not, I don't know it needs washing), general housework, most of the cooking and generally run things I guess. At the moment, DH's 40 hours a week seems to be his only input whereas mine seems to be a 24/7 job with no time off Oh, he does help with the bathing as well...that's pretty much a necessity thing though, to get them bathed, dressed and fed in the shortest amount of time for bed.

Bit of a ramble there, but it seems to be how it's working at the moment....or rather, not working.

Edited by minik8e

I expect DH to help but I also do the majority of the household chores..

I do 90% of the washing, I cook, he puts the dishes in the dishwasher which I think is fair, I hate cooking and I'm not that great at it so he can clean up afterwards.

I keep the house in a reasonable state during the week with cleaning and vacuuming which is very time consuming at the moment as it has to be immaculate for open homes etc but on saturday the house gets a once over together.

We do the night time routine together.

I wouldn't mind doing the lawns sometimes if the mower didn't hate me. I'm no weakling but that mower has only started once for me stupid thing.

It works really well for us with the little deals we have (like tea and dishes).

I can definitely see both sides of the coin, and I try to incorporate that into our home life.

My main role is to look after Hannah, keep the house clean and tidy, laundry, walk the dog.

DH works 8am-4:30pm, his commute it about 3 minutes, on a bad day.
So when he gets home he has his chill-out time for anywhere up to an hour, depending on how he feels.
The only thing that's "his" around the house is the lawns.

We both enjoy cooking, so we plan our meals for the week so we can both cook at least 3 times a week each. Whoever cooks does the dishes while the other does Hannah's bed time stuff.

We do the groceries together and each get a sleep in at the weekends.

This is all stuff that's just happened naturally, I guess I'm lucky that DH enjoys playing an active role in our house - even if it's entertaining Hannah for an hour when he gets home so I can do a few bits and pieces around the house.

As for the money side of things...
We have a joint account that he feeds a portion of his wages into (to cover mortgage and bills and so on). The rest stays in his account and is used as a savings.
I have an EFTPOS card for the joint account, and a credit card (which is paid off monthly from that joint account), so I have full access to our money.
But if there is something I want/need, I forwarn him, so he doesn't get a nasty surprise at the end of the month.

I will say though, I've seen comments along the lines of "I wanted kids, so I do all the work".
I don't buy that. For the most part kids are a choice. A decision you make together as a couple so the child rearing is up to both of you.
In my case, DH goes to work all day and does what he's paid to do. I stay home all day and do what needs to be done around the house (as that's the job I've chosen to do).
Once he's home, whatever Hannah needs or wants is up to both of us to share the load.

Rambly much?

I do the majority of the housework, which I don't mind as long as I keep on top of it....if the house is a big blow out then I kinda hope that DF would help me out....does happen once in a blue moon. If I was a SAHM full time then yea I'd see house chores etc as part of my role. But I'm a fulltime student who needs to study more than 40hours a week, so any help I would greatly appreciate. DF works extremely hard to provide for us...I just wonder how he will go considering he's thinking of being a SAHD when #2 comes around....he can't even be away from work for a week without wanting to go back lol

Both DF and I work full time of 40+ hours a week. The housework etc is supposed to be something we both share though in reality it doesn't happen like that for the most part. I do the bulk of it, though to be fair DF does have jobs which are his. The vacuuming for one.

In the evenings I sometimes get resentful that he comes home from work and sits at the computer. Sometimes when asked to help eg feed the baby his dinner he huffs and puffs and grumbles. That annoys me. The other thing that annoys me is he often buggers off to bed while I'm BF the baby, even though there are still dishes that need doing, the baby bath needs emptying and his towel and clothes need clearing away. GRR!

Oh I totally agree with the shared situation when you are bothin paid employment/studing etc as well as raising a family and taking care of the house..

I just don't get how a SAHM who isn't studying or working in paid employment gets all resentful at doing the job they have chosen to do, which is stay at home and raise your family and mind the house! Especially since most men do do something...even if its just mow the ,lawns or play with the kids.

I didn't realise my original comment would be as controversial as all this - but oh well!

In our house, when we are both home we both do equal share of kid wrangling and housework. Of course, there are times when I do more than him and there are times when he does more than me. I guess it's expected but not really the "I EXPECT you to help out and if you don't there will be CONSEQUENCES" kind of expectation - more the kind of expectation that your left hand will coordinate with your right hand when you want to pick something up.

I don't nag. At all. I don't have to. Neither does he. There is no nagging, begging or pleading involved. We just do stuff that needs to be done.

I guess it has been a natural progression. No matter what our situation we have always both helped out with housework (and DS when he came along) when we are both home. It's always been "us" - as in it's "our" money, "our" child, "our" work, "our" housework, "our" responsibility. And we are both responsible for being involved in the fun stuff and the not-so-fun stuff that comes with being a parent.

This does not mean I throw DP a child and a washing basket as soon as he comes in the door. Both of us are very laid back - which usually means there is no chaos or panic to get things organised or done in the evenings. It also doesn't mean I sit around all day doing nothing and wait for DP to come home so we can do everything together.

We are under no pressure with just one baby. Both of us have actually found it pretty cruisy so far - I think in part due to the fact that we both help out whenever, wherever. So, definitely feel we will be able to handle more and handle it well at that.

fattartsrock wrote: ANNNNNND also maybe they wouldn't be so bad withmoney if you stopped treating them like 12 year olds and involved them in the house hold finances - as in this is how much we earn and this is what we need to pay this and these are the consequences of not paying this or that. Maybe there would be incentive to grow up of they are treated with a bit more respect and like an adult...after all, you do have children with them!

But sometimes they just don't care.

Oh. DH does all the wood now too. If he doesn't get enough for me for the day, I will only grab a couple of pieces to get me through (remember we live in Southland, is easier to just not let the fire go out!)

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and I refuse to fill the wood basket up... It's flippin awkward to carry now lol