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Forum Locked"Forcing" breastfeeding... ?

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Katherine View Drop Down
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    Posted: 28 March 2008 at 11:07pm

I just read an email from a friend in the US who has a 15-month-old and a newborn. The newborn is exclusively breastfed, and she managed to keep breastfeeding her older child right through this pregnancy and for the first few weeks of the baby's life. But now she thinks that her older child wants to wean. The trouble is, she doesn't want him to. She's really upset about it, and is trying to "force" him to breastfeed (her words, not mine). Meaning, she offers it all the time, including several times a night (he co-sleeps with her and the newborn). She has heaps of milk, so supply doesn't seem to be a problem -- he's just not terribly interested in breastfeeding anymore.

I tried to encourage her by saying that going for 15 months is excellent, especially with a newborn, and that weaning has to happen sometime and is better when it's led by the baby. But it sounds like that is not at all what she wants to hear. What she wants are ways to get her older son interested in the breast again so that she can keep on going. And she definitely doesn't want to express milk for his sippy cup instead.

I'm a bit caught off-guard and don't really know what to say. She's been attending La Leche Meetings to get support and has been told there that she should keep on for as long as she can, but I'm not sure how you can force a baby to breastfeed if he doesn't want to. She's also hired a private lactation consultant for help (she's going to see them next week).

Has anyone else had experience with this? I'm not going to give her any more advice as clearly she doesn't want to hear anything that remotely suggests she allows him to wean, but I just wondered what the rest of you think.

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mummy_becks View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote mummy_becks Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 March 2008 at 11:10pm

Hmmm well Josh weaned himself from me at 7 months, I kept trying him for a few weeks but he just didn't want it.

I really don't think she can force her 15 month old to BF and I hope thats what the private lactation person tells her.

Good luck with it thou.

I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote fattartsrock Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 March 2008 at 11:11pm
Oh, Lordy, Katherine, those Americans are weird... lol, jokes.

Um, seriously? Sounds like she is doing it fo rher and not fo rhim. If he dosen't want it, he dosen't want it. Poor kid might end up with "issues" to talk about with his "therapist" later in life if hse forces it.

It is sad, the weaning, when you are not ready, but, oh, my. And all co sleeping as well?

Can you tell I'm not an "earth mother"?
Hugs to you. Its hard to be a good friend when you feel like you are asked for advice, but not listened to, as it wasn't the advice they wanted.
The Honest Un PC Parent of 2, usually stuck in the naughty corner! :P
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Bubbaloo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 March 2008 at 11:12pm
I don't really agree with it sorry If the Baby doesn't wont it anymore I really don't think you should force it on to them I think it's great that she wants to continue with but it seems to me like her 15mth old has decided he/she doesn't want it anymore.




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Bombshell View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Bombshell Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 March 2008 at 11:14pm
DItto what Annie said...
my mum BF me for 18 months...GO MUM...but OMFG what the heck was she thinking LOL!!! soooo not me and soooo glad ELla weaned herself around 6 months...

K - just be careeful what you say to her me thinks....avoid avoid avoid!!! esp if she is one of those stroppy east coast girls (I adore YOU tho!)
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mummy_becks View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote mummy_becks Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 March 2008 at 11:14pm

Love it Annie

I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived!
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Katherine View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Katherine Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 March 2008 at 11:20pm

Wow, I'm glad I'm not alone here. I was fully expecting to be flamed! LOL

The thing is, I don't know her very well -- she's a friend from high school and we only recently got back into touch, and when she found out I work for a parenting website, I think she figured she'd hit the jackpot as far as advice is concerned. She's been emailing me heaps of queries and I feel a bit put on the spot because I'm no expert -- I'm a journalist. When I want to know something, I research it and read about it and interview people and learn. So when I tell her things that I've read, she tends to come back and say "That didn't work! Why did you tell me to do that?" when I wasn't trying to tell her what to do, I was just trying to answer a question using the stuff I've learned through research. I always try to give her both sides of the story but now I feel like I shouldn't say ANYTHING when she asks. 

So I guess that's another issue... She only wants to hear what she wants to hear, and I'm a glutton for punishment as I won't give in.

I haven't met her children, so I don't know anything abou ttheir personalities. I don't even really know much about her personality save what I remember from high school. So I have no idea if there are other things going on here -- if she's feeling isolated in her marriage, if she has codependence issues, or what. There seems to be something more going on than her being afraid that he's not getting the right nourishment if he's not breastfeeding heaps. Or at all.

Sigh... it's too late to think about these things!

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Katherine View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Katherine Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 March 2008 at 11:24pm

Mind you, I was apparently breastfed til I was two, and my mother had to force me to *stop* as she was pregnant with my brother... ha ha. My kid, however, weaned at 11 months after I went away for a weekend without her. I felt guilty for about five minutes, then I rejoiced at being able to wear a real bra again. I personally wasn't that attached to breastfeeding, but I know that many women are. However, I've been trying very hard to keep my own experience out of it and just give her the medical/developmental research-based stuff.

Yeah, Bombshell, I think I need to avoid this topic like the plague! At least she doesn't live next door...

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Bombshell View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Bombshell Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 March 2008 at 11:37pm
yeah they sucked at using BFing for birth control huh??? mine too!!!

I say take her a good NZ parenting book as a pressie...or if she has boys take raising boys...on sale all the time everywhere!! LOL...she might take a hint!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote jaz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 March 2008 at 7:48am
I wouldn't keep trying to give her advise. I'd just say 'lots of people on the board have found once their baby/toddler decides to self-wean that's it. Good luck with the lactation consultant though'.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote busymum Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 March 2008 at 8:35am
Once this thread has died down you could just suggest she join the boards!

I suspect her milk has changed flavour, as it will always provide the nutrients the youngest child needs. So 15mo doesn't need that kind of stuff (that a 2?mo has), the flavour has changed, and he has decided it's real food for him. Another thing may be happening too. He may have got it into his head that boobie is for babies and he's a big boy now. But I strongly suspect the former

I'm not big on co-sleeping either Annie. How do you get sleep with a DH, 15mo and 2?mo all in the same bed? And how did they 'make' the 2?mo in the first place?
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote peanut butter Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 March 2008 at 8:47am
Originally posted by busymum busymum wrote:


How do you get sleep with a DH, 15mo and 2?mo all in the same bed? And how did they 'make' the 2?mo in the first place?


My thoughts exactly! They obvioulsy dont have any cats as well as I remember the nights when we had Tom in bed for one reason or another plus two cats (that seemed to get larger when asleep). Actually I remember when we had to have Tom in bed with us (inutero) and the 2 cats and DH. Ugh!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Bizzy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 March 2008 at 9:13am
just tell her you dont have any experience with breastfeding past 11 mths and offer her your sympathy and a hug! and i would prob do the same for other stuff too, sounds like she isnt after a friend but rather free advice from an "expert". or at least someone else to do her research for her.


Originally posted by busymum busymum wrote:


How do you get sleep with a DH, 15mo and 2?mo all in the same bed? And how did they 'make' the 2?mo in the first place?



Sex doesnt have to be just for the bedroom, and dedicated co sleepers usually have side car cots or really large beds.

LOL! but you sounded like a bunch of old fuddy dudds for a moment there!

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote BuzzyBee Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 March 2008 at 9:18am
LOL...
Single Mum to a darling wee boy of 3 years :)
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Rachael21 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 March 2008 at 11:04am
send her to kellymom it has some really great advice on encouraging babies to continue to breastfeed. It actually had some quite interesting things about true baby led weaning happens quite late on. Most of the time there is a reason for baby to stop so something can be done to keep them going.

I personally don't see anything wrong with her trying to keep him going for as long as possible. If he truely doesn't want it there is nothing she can do to make him have it. He might just be having a few issues because of the new baby.

The only reason a baby would need therapy for extended breastfeeding is because of close minded people giving it sh*t.
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Maya View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Maya Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 March 2008 at 7:18pm
OK I'm going to go waaaaay out on a limb and say if she's forcing him to keep doing it and he doesn't want to, then I think that's almost equal to abuse. Not in that she is physically holding him down making him feed, but just in that he has clearly come to the realisation that he is ready to wean on his own and it's an abuse of his free will and right to choose.

OK so as parents we quite often have to sidestep our kids free will to keep them safe and teach them appropriate behaviours, but weaning isn't a danger to him and he is clearly ready so IMO it's unjustified to keep pushing it.

JM2CW - bearing in mind that I have forcibly weaned all of mine so have no experience with self weaning.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Mama2two Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 March 2008 at 8:02pm
Sam self weaned at 8 months much to my disappointment I was definitely not ready for her to wean as I loved b/feeding her, but when it came down to it I had to do what was best for her - not me. I cried for days once I had stopped, but it wasn't doing either of us any good having her screaming everytime I tried to feed her, just causing both of us untold stress and anxiety. In the end she is a happy healthy baby who is getting everything she needs, that is what counts in the end! And as it turns out, she loves me just as much without the booby

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Bizzy View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Bizzy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 March 2008 at 8:10pm
ooh emma, your not getting at me are you

i'm sure i didnt force toby to bf till he was 2 !!!

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Maya View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Maya Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 March 2008 at 8:15pm
No! More remembering an episode of Dr Phil where the child (American of course ) had weaned at 2 or so then she had taught it to refeed when she had another baby and was still feeding him at age 8

Altho I am of the opinion that if they're old enough to ask for it.... and I do vaguely recall hearing Toby say "please"...
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Bizzy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 March 2008 at 8:19pm
he sure did - first and only time too - little bugger!

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