Personal Qu re TTC and Marriage

For one of the mums in our AN group, they have been together for 6 years, own 2 homes and a business together and have 2 kids (1 hers, 1 theirs). Up until now she has said it's the wedding part that she has never wanted and seeing as legally they're good as married they've just kept it like that.

Now however she's changed her mind and has decided that since they're as good as married, she might as well have the diamonds and a wee party to go with the responsibility

My friend's aunt and uncle have been together for 26-27 years, have 2 adult kids etc but have never got married although they're engaged. I think it was never that important to them and they never had the money once the kids came along to have the wedding they would have wanted so never bothered.

But yeah I don't get it myself but I'm a traditionalist and afterall was married at 20!

for me it wasn't important that we were married first..but it's just the way it worked out.. I wanted us all to have the same last name though and am glad we do.. but I really wouldn't have been concerned if we weren't married.. I guess a lot of people don't think that getting married makes any difference?

Asicsgirl, that makes complete sense esp the age thing and having to wait another 12 months before starting!

DP and I will have been together for 14 years in June and we have just never really felt like we needed to be married to give each other that same level of commitment. For us, getting married would just be making it all 'official'. I know to some people, it means a lot but it just never has for us.

Neither of us are religious so that's not an issue. Financially, we can't see the point when neither of us are particularly bothered about having a wedding and big party. And we both have very large families so it would end up being a pretty big (and expensive) event. I would rather spend that money on my child(ren) than on one day in our lives.

I do sometimes feel like I get judged when I tell people that Livvy's last name is different than mine and when I refer to DP as "my partner" but other than that we are really happy as we are. In our minds we are already 'married' in every sense but the legal one and we knew we'd make great, loving parents and both really wanted children.

Edited by Freesia

We a christian so the ring came first but i was desperate for the baby so he came shortly after.

LOL I remember that NZPiper, we all thought you were quite mad!

We're not married and I can't see us ever getting married. We did get engaged when Maya was 2 but we decided we wanted to have another baby before we got married so as not to have a huge age gap between Maya and the next baby. Then TTC took longer than expected, then we got twins, then we got lil miss and it just got further and further down the list of priorities. Saving for a wedding would mean I'd have to stop having 'accidents' at Nature Baby and Pumpkin Patch and I'm not sure I love him that much .

Seriously tho, the piece of paper doesn't mean that much to us, and I never really dreamed of a big wedding etc. even as a little girl. We have four beautiful children and if that isn't evidence enough that we love each other then I don't know what is. I am Catholic but after being a bit of a wayward teenager the whole "sex before marriage" thing had looooong flown out the window, and whilst my parents would have been happier if I'd been married before I had kids, I think secretly they're kinda pleased Willie and I aren't married coz they're not his biggest fans.

I know of alot of people who have children outside of wedlock but decide to get married when the kids are due to start school its the whole everyone having the same surname thing.

Interesting topic - at first it didn't bother me if we were married or not, DH wanted to be married before we had children, and for one reason or another I didn't want them earlier.

Now that we are married I'm glad we waited, being married has made a huge difference to our relationship, I really feel we have made a commitment to each other, and we have the full support of our families.

I'm 35 and DH is 33, and we've been together 8 years now, having a family together now we are married, just feels right.

I don't think I felt as secure before we were married.

My first baby was not planned and her father and I broke up when I was 7 weeks pregnant (at which stage I told him, and he nearly crashed the car , ooooops )
This time, baby was planned , and wanted and I didn't have any of the same worries I did about how the father would react .
We're married now, but even before we were (tho we were engaged, we got engaged before we started TTC) I knew it was different, hes not only my husband, but my best friend , even if we hadn't married, it would have been the same , hes always loved me more than anything

Hehe, it does feel very grown up to be called Mrs H! Sometimes I like it and sometimes it just makes me feel old

For us, we wanted to be married (DH more than me, but in hindsight its been awesome and just feels really *good*) AND we wanted to have kids. The order wasn't important for me, although again I think it may have been for DH, but I think more cos he doesn't like to do *controversial* things, especially in front of his parents. We kept up this ridiculous front that we had seperate rooms in our flat for years every time they came to visit. Anyway, I've been studying full time for the past 9 years - we met in first year at uni, and doing my PhD etc means there really hasn't been any opportunity for kids until now. So we could get married whilst I got my career humming along, but I didn't want kids until I'd got my PhD out of the way. So we got married first.

I am a "b*stard", as are my 5 siblings. My parents are still together after 35 or so years. There are 10 years between me and the youngest. When I was at school it was very weird to the other kids that my parents weren't married, and that I had a different name to my dad. I asked my sister about it, seeing as mum taught at her primary, and had a different surname to her. No-one had ever commented on it to her and it was not unusual in her school. I hated having different surnames to my younger siblings (the first half had mum's surname, the rest dad's) though, one of the schools we went to refused to acknowledge that we were sisters!

So anyway, I can see both sides and it really doesn't bother me. I think if a relationship is sound then its good with or without marriage, and if its not, then marriage isn't going to save it. Personally, I being married, but I think thats cos of my excellent choice of DH