An ongoing battle....

Housewives vs the husbands that is.

I would love to hear if anyone has successfully managed to break through the constant bickering over who does what in the house and with the kids, and how you managed to do it fairly?

My problem is a strange one, in that my husband actually does housework, and he goes to work. Why am I complaining? He does just that, from the moment he wakes up, till he goes to bed, he concentrates on himself and the things he likes to do (he has OCD and spends a large amount of his time re-arranging things. )

He is a shift worker, with different shifts every week, which also makes it hard for us to set down some sort of routine.
Last shift he had, he worked 3pm- 11pm for 7 days straight. (Leaves at 2pm - back at 11.30pm) He would sleep till 10am, wake up and watch 2 hours worth of cycling replays, go and put the washing on, fold it, then go to work.
He had 3 days off last week, and on those days he pretty much planned his day around what he wanted to do. Slept in, cycle rides, cleaned his bike, did some washing, watched movies.
On Friday afternoon I asked him if he could pick Janaya up from school and he went off at me.
He has explained to me that the reason he went off, is because me asking him to do that was "not in his plans" of the day. He has asked that i ask him the night before what I plan on doing, so it gives him time to get his head around it. This to me is absolutely crazy, and as I explained to him, it would be like him dumping a pile of washing on me and asking me to fold it, and then me going off at him about how its not in my "plans" - Its not a bloomin day exhursion I was asking for, it was picking up HIS daughter from school.
Theres been times where Ive asked if we should get out of the house, and hes made some sort of exuse. Then 10mins later hes watching a movie or cleaning his bike, he just "Sticks" to his plans that he makes in his head. Not only is he organising everything in the house, hes organising his whole day in advance, which to me is a little bit freaky!

He thinks I am lucky as he is not like most males, as he does housework. I am just so tired of being a "Solo" parent. Sometimes when he has the day off, I just want to go out for a coffee together, or even go and browse around at the shops. I would rather I do the housework while he takes Jackson, even change a nappy or sit down and play with him.
I find it hard watching him get his stuff ready for work every night, and wonder how many hours he has wasted in his life, refolding things and organising things. I am at the point now where I just feel like we cant go on like this anymore, how is a relationship supposed to work if i have to book in the night before with a request for time?

Anyone got any suggestions?

My only suggestion and this is something I did very recently, is to write down exactly what you do in a day.

Mine was inspired after my DH called me a stupid b*tch (he had broken his ribs and I laughed over something - long story). He is so not normally like that but it really hurt my feelings. So I wrote down exactly what I had done for him that weekend (it was a HUGE list, let me tell you) and I gave it to him. Since then, he has been much better at helping out (in fact since I got preggers he has pretty much taken over in the housework stakes). He also doesn't let me forget that I wrote that list, which I think is good - he actually took it in.

He doesn't have OCD, in fact, he probably has the opposite but even still, it might be worth a go? I was going to suggest that you write down everything that needs to be done in a day/week and who does what but its made hard by your DH's odd shifts.

And maybe you guys need to talk with someone about it all?

But in the meantime

Hey kaiz,

Your situation sounds unique because of your DH's OCD so maybe he can take care of some 'routines' for the kids? When he is home in the am maybe he can do breakfast, and getting the kids ready, and when he is there in pm, bed and bath? Not sure how you guys work your days out but sound slike he needs to have it all sorted in his head so if he gets allocated 'blocks' of time to care for them it might help, and he will be doing something to give you a break and spend time with the kids.

Hope this helps, theres no easy answers when it comes to getting the other half to do what we want lol.

Like the list idea curious g - thats great!!

Have you thought about sitting down with him when he gets his roster and planning what you want him to do and when you want him to do it. He sounds like someone who needs a structured day and doesn't like surprises.

Do you have a calender/diary you can use to plan the week ahead.

Yeah sounds like a difficult situation with the OCD, and like others have said, it seems he could benefit from a roster of some kind? I'm not meaning a full on chores roster, but one where he can clearly see at certain days/times you have family time, or alone time, or whatever.. and he/you can work on chores the rest of the time (so he still has "control" of when he does everything else).

If you sat down together and did it one night, and agreed to start it the following week (so he has plenty of time to register the idea) then he can start planning in his head how the days with rostered time frames will work.

Good luck, I hope you can work something out.

We have a different dynamic operating in our house as DP has a daughter and he is good about making dinner. However he hardly ever does the dishes and laundry (save ironing his shirts) and I often have to nag to get him to tidy up his daughter's mess.

Best thing we ever did for our relationship was get a cleaner in once a fortnight to do the stuff we don't like doing (surfaces, vacuuming, bathroom). However I understand many don't have the dosh for that.

Thanks ladies

Yes surfergirl you're right. We dont have any issues around housework. He does a lot, in the evenings if he is home we have a great routine where I do the kids, and cook dinner, and he tidies the toys up and does the dishes.

I think he is feeling like I dont appreciate him, and I feel a bit mad about that, as I dont want him to spend an hour cleaning things that dont need to be cleaned. He will come out and tell me what hes been up to, and ask for a thankyou. And I just feel so resentful and think "Did you thank me when I got up 6 times last night? When you had a sleep in? When you got to go out for a bike ride for 3 hours?" You know what I mean? I know in order for things to get better I will just have to start saying thank you more often (I do say thank you usually, its just some days I dont feel appreciated myself) I can be running around after Jackson for an hour and DH will say "You have done nothing for an hour".

I agree WRXandJosh, it's not like you are saying your DH is lazy and useless and just being annoying for the sake of it. He has a medical condition which he really needs help with otherwise it is going to be an ongoing issue between you. Did he have OCD when you first got together? Has it got worse recently or just beginning to pile up on you? I really feel for you!

Thanks ladies

The OCD thing is not official, its my own diagnosis, he doesnt think he has it. On occasions he can watch the house turn to an absolute bombsite and he wont flinch, he will have his "lazy" days so he doesnt think he has it, as its not there 100% of the time.

I think its a really good idea to write down what I want though, even if I pop on the calendar "spend an hour with Janaya" or something like that. He likes to see things written down, I find if the kids need things or I need new shoes, if I write a big list of what we all need he just loves crossing off the list and doing things that way

It hasnt really got any worse, the only thing that has happened recently is that he talked to me and yelled at me terribly when I had asked him to pick up Janaya from school. Usually we have turns on his days off, so it wasnt an issue (so i thought) to ask him to pick her up. But he really snapped because he was busy watching a movie,and had obviously decided that was what he was doing that afternoon. So things have really just come to a head for me, its almost like walking on eggshells.

No he hasnt - but you have me wondering Chickaboo.
What are the other symptoms of autism? He is crazy with numbers too, might go and do some googling.