Parenting conflicts with DH

I'm hoping to hear your opinions and suggestions about a little problem I have with my DH - we seem to have totally different ideas about parenting and discipline. We've been together 13 years, have two children of our own, and he has two older children from a previous relationship (who don't live with us).

My problem is that I think he is often WAY over the top in disciplining our oldest daughter (6 yrs). He's cranky with her almost all the time, it's rare that she does anything right, and he picks on her for the stupidest little things. I want us to work as a team, but it's really hard to back him up when there's such constant criticism of our daughter and I disagree with most of it. He seems unable to see anything good that she does, and praise is extremely rare.

After two lots of counselling about this issue, (where he usually blames her or sits silently and won't participate) I'm almost at the end of my tether, I'm sick of crying and losing sleep over it, and considering leaving him.

Please help! Anyone else out there experienced something similar? I would love to hear your thoughts.

sounds like you need to have rules about what is a behaviour that needs to be disciplined. but if counselling hasnt worked then i dont kow if talking will.    Maybe if he could see how hard he is on her? Or just maybe you are too soft?   

My brother and ex-sil are like that with my niece she's now 13, my brother has always been pretty tough on her, and thinks my sil is too laid back. They seperated when DN was 7 which probably hasn't helped as now Dad only gets her for the holidays.
I think you do need to present a united front, or there will be resentment.

I can see now that my niece is a teenager her relationship with her dad is pretty volatile at times. My sil has never interferred though, something for dad and daughter to work out between them is her thinking.  She feels piggy in the middle otherwise.

I think that it is in our nature as men and women to treat kids differently; so something that doesn't bother one parent will bother the other, but having said that when the differences are polar opposites you can run into major issues. DP has a shorter fuse than I do, so if one of the boys does/doesn't do something they have been asked to do while I remain calm he usually blows his top. LOL This is part of his personality that I hate but he is trying to work on things.

I agree with the sit down idea....in fact need to do it myself because I am noticing some things that he does that I don't particularly agree with and I am sure he feels the same about some of the things I do and I want us on the same page.

What I think is that though parents want to set goals and expectations for their kids (and should) they tend to set them too high for their age or stage of development and thus set them up to fail and it frustrates not only the child but the parents too. It takes hard word to acquire the amount of patience and understanding I have now.   I think when a child behaves in a certain way the child HAS a problem not is a problem...figure out what the problem is and you are usually well on your way.

i had another idea, if talking isnt his cup of tea maybe he would read a book... i hear that nigel latta has a new book about men raising girls and there are a few others specifically for that as well out there.

i know on occasion when my husband has told the kids off and handled something badly i will back him up if needed but tell him later that i think he was out of line or being OTT.

That's a good idea Kahlia, albeit controversial I'm sure! That's what made my dad change, for some reason there was a video of me showing everyone a new top I bought and was proud of. Dad was his critical self. When dad saw the video afterwards he was so shocked at seeing the way he spoke to me that he went to see a counsellor to sort himself out.

Maybe your DH doesn't realise how critical he is. Like my dad, maybe he's used to giving into his emotions and not maturely holding himself in check. I'm not sure that just talking to him is going to help, he needs to see how bad he is.

Wow, I am blown away by all these replies - thanks everyone for your support and great ideas.

Countingdown, your dad sounds EXACTLY like my DH, I can totally relate to the moodiness and 1/2-hour lecture! I cringe to think our daughter has to endure that.

I did think about depression - he has quite a stressful job and tends to always see thenegative in things. I suggested he talk to our doctor but he hasn't followed this up.

The taping is a good idea, have thought about that too, but would probably have to do it secretly as I'm sure he is at least somewhat aware of how bad he is, because his behaviour improves around other people or for the camera.

I will definitely try sitting down with him and trying to write out some house rules and agree on consequences for breaking them. This could be a good "neutral" way to start a discussion about parenting styles.

You sound like a fab mum, and I'm sure you are providing a lot of cushioning for her as my mum did.

What my dad ended up doing was getting my mum to deal with certain situations. So if my dad felt himself getting angry and about to overreact he would tell mum and she would deal with whatever I was doing 'wrong'. But it does take acknowledgement that his behaviour is over the top and a willingness to improve. Good luck, I'm sure that together you will work it out.