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julz85 
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 Topic: bad dad- what would you do ?
Posted: 06 April 2010 at 12:27pm |
Ok so Amelias dad and i were in a very bad relationship when i got pregnant very unexpectadly with her (i was on the pill) . Her father Matt initailly said he would stand by my decision , then changed his mind and wanted an abortion . i personally could not go through with one tho and i made the desicion to keep her , we Tried to stay togteher but things quickly fell apart after he cheated mulitple times and alsorts of other problems ( he owed me thousands of $$$ that he still has never paid , he has bi-polar, and suffers from depression and is a compulsive liar) so from about 12weeks pregnant onwards i was completly on my own , He quickly got inot a new relationship with a 17 yr old girl that hes now enaged to but he always would send me texts , quite often dodgee as ones and his moods chaged on a daily basis , some days he would go into how much he couldnt wait to be a dad and how he would support me and help out financialy and have baby sometimes etc etc . well now my beautiful Amelia is coming up 9months old and he has seen her a total of 8 times and never once paid a single cent in child support or bought her anything , not so much as a nappy or xmas present . Hes forever making false promises .
i havent even got Amelias birth certificate ( shes been registerd but no cert yet) as Matt kept changing his mind as to weather he wanted to go on it or not , he then called internal affaris himself before christmas to order a form for him to sign as father , well suprise suprise 4months later he still hasnt signed that form and i desperatly need the birth certificate so i am having to write a latter stating that i dont want him on the certificate and it will say "father unknown" . Im really at the point where i am thinking of cutting all ties from him . iv had enough . im in a new relationship with an amazing , fantastic guy that iv been with for over 4mths , he just dotes on Amelia and she loves him to bits . I was just wanting some opions on what you think i should do ? i would really like Amelia to know her father but im just at my whits end and i know hes just going to hurt her in the long run , maybe it is better if she just doesnt see him at all . 
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Mumma2b
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 12:52pm |
Hi There, Sorry I couldn't read this and run, so heres my opinion. Dont take it to heart, hope it makes sense.
I think you need to tell him that he either signs the form right now (Give the form to him yourself and get him to sign it on the spot) , or it WILL be stated as "Father Unknown". Tell him that you are getting her birth certificate done on a certain date and it's up to him whether he gets his s**t sorted or else he can stay out of her life. You will not let her get hurt by a father who cannot commit to a signature with his name on a birth certificate.
Sorry if thats a bit of a ramble. Baby brain makes me talk rubbish and repeat myself all the time.
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james
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 1:00pm |
hay my son,s father is tottaly usless aswell he is a massive lyrer ,thef and just all round bad guy i have not put his name on james brith cert it states father unknow he is not someone i want in my sons life . in the furture if james wants to know him i will help him find him but for now i will protect my son from this person big hugs hun it relly is a hard thing to do i didnt do this lighty and sometime i am afired james will hate me for it  but for now i am doing what i see as best for him as you are for your wee girl be strong hun do what u feel is right for u and your daugther just a wranng though you will get jugdemetal people who think they know better stick by your guns big hugs 
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SMoody
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 1:03pm |
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Julz I personally think you have given this guy more than enough chances. If I was you I would get some legal advice and if it is possible put the father down as unknown. Later down the line you can decide to give him access to her if he gets some help and under supervision.
You have financially survived so far without him and dont need that from him and right now it doesnt look like he can offer her anything. Money or emotionally wise.
I wouldnt try and force him to sign the document that he is the dad as he is not really acting like one.
This way you have more control over a situation and a bit more peace of mind.
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Mumma2b
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 1:24pm |
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I didnt mean to force him to sign it but make it 100% clear that this is his absolute last chance.
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caliandjack
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 1:31pm |
Agree with what's already been said, sounds like your daughter already has a loving and stable home, and he isn't able to be a responsible father to her.
Get lawyers involved if that's what it takes to sort out the birth cert etc, and let your daughter make up her own mind about whether she wants to know him when she's older.
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julz85
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 3:10pm |
Thanks guys , i apreciate your advice . i actually sent Matts mother (Amelias grandmother) an email today as im just at the end of my teather . i told her that i was thinking of cutting my tyes with him and that i was not going to name him on birth cert as he has had chance after chance after chance , but that she was still welcome to visit her grandchild. She has only met her grandchild once (the day she was born) and i send her updates and photos every couple months as she says she enjoys seeing them and every time she says she cant wait to come and see her again- well hello!!! its been 9months!!!! , anyway this is part of the email i got back (these are her exact wrds) : tell me if im over-reacting.
I am sorry that Matt is being disorganized in regard to visits with Amelia. I know that he is finally working and doing long hours,- he is trying to organize a wedding and just getting comfortable with someone in his life that he has made a commitment with.
I really do believe that he will feature in Amelia's life, but at a later time, this is of no help to you, but don't wash your hands of him as far as him being part of Amelia's life.
He will need to feel comfortable with her, and with Amy being comfortable with him being comfortable- does that make sense?- before you see him more often
(amy is matts fiance) . This email just made me more angry . Its ok for him to get on with his life and forget about his daughter while hes doing it . obviously Matts prioritys are nothing to do with his daughter so why should i wait for him to be inher life ? . And as for the wedding , its all just a big joke , i have proof of multiple txts from him sending me dodgee stuff ( i never reply to that stuff and it always comes out of nowhere) just last week he randomly sent me 2 pxts of him naked, i called Him straight away and asked what the hell he was doing and he said that his mate sent them .. hmmm ok so your mate is sending me naked pxts of you .... ok whatever!!! i told him straight i didnt want anymore dodgee pxts or texts and if he did i would get my mobile number changed so he could only talk to me over the landline phone like a normal adult , . i deleted the pxts straight away because i didnt want my partner to see them , altho i did tell him , i dont want to lie to him , i guess i should of kept them as evidance but i really didnt want that crap on my phone . ewww gross!!!! . A friend of mine also found his profile on NZdating saying he was single and had no children . lol theres no way that marrige is going to last , i feel sorry for Amy .
that email Just makes me want to stop contact with her too . why should i be the one doing all the hard work for their grandchild/ daughter just for them to come along when there ready and be a part of her life . sorry it doesnt work like that!!!! now im really wild .
Edited by julz
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kiwi2
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 3:37pm |
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ok as a child of a father with bipolar I say cut and run. I may be very biased but you have had a taste of bipolar and it doesn't get better but a lot worse. Of course it is not his fault it is a medical condition but you need to put your childs best interests first. I wouldn't let him have unsupervised visits either. Bipolar can be well managed with meds but part of the condition in my experience is they like to go off their meds. This is hard to know until it goes really wrong. Sorry to anyone battling or facing this illness. It is truely one of the most horrible things and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. My parents divorced when I was 8 years old. The marriage counsellor told my mum "either live with it or leave no counselling is going to fix it". These are very true words. I have a good relationship with my dad but I wouldn't want my kids to see some of the things I have had to deal with. IYGWIM
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julz85
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 3:43pm |
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Thanks for that Kiwi2 . i am sorry to hear that , that would of been very difficult having a dad with it , its an awful thing. he has been clinically diagniosed with it but he refuses to take meds , he is extremely up and down with his moods , the good times can last weeks and weeks then all of a sudden he is a completley different person and flips the lid completely and can get quite violent, he actually attempted suiced 2years ago (when we were together) and still has the scar on his wrist altho to be honest i also think maybe that was an attention thing too as horrible as that sounds .
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HoneybunsMa
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 3:48pm |
Julz hun hugs!
Firstly, you have tried to get Matt to sign the cert, if he isn't going to do it he isn't going to do it. It'd be easier to put father unknown for now and in the future you can add him. My bros done the research, (remember him and his sons mum aren't together) You can add a father to the cert at anytime but you can only take someone off if you do a paternity test. If your worried about Milly seeing the cert and asking why isn't her dad on it, chances are she won't see it until she needs a passport or something like that done, which until about 15 I would assume you would be filling all that stuff out and after that she will hopefully be old enough and responsible enough to sit down and talk to about it.
My advice for the access, let them come to you. If they want to see her then its on your terms when your available and if you can't be there then someone who YOU trust to be there with them. Don't make the effort to email his mum and see if she emails you in the future and asks if she can have pics etc. Don't talk bad about her dad round her which I'm sure you won't be. But just mention him and the good times you had together. If it's not going to upset you then maybe keep a box of photos aside of him and you together and let her look at them everynow and again as she grows up. When she asks for him while growing up, the only thing I can suggest is call him and put her on the phone. I suggest you txt him prior to let him know that its Milly and not you wanting to talk to him. If he answers then great, stand close by and monitor, if he doesn't then just say sorry bub looks like he's busy at work/sleeping whatever you want.
As for the dodgy pics, txts I would keep them on your phone in a folder specifically for him so you don't scroll through them, then every other month back them up to a computer as you will probably want things like that if he ever wants to claim custody of Milly. I'm not sure but he may realise down the track that if he has her as main custody then he can get winz support and that would benefit him. Keep track of all times you have tried to make contact with him and his mum.
I hope some of what I have said helps.
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Emmi_
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 4:14pm |
Sorry, I dont really have much to suggest, but didnt want to read and run either...
I totally agree with Honeybunsma, she wrote what I was wanting to suggest (in a much better way than what I could!). I believe that you have made the effort with your (gorgeous btw!) daughters father and grandmother for 9 months, its their turn to make an effort now. Dont assume anything, just think that if they do ask for an update or photo that its nice that they are thinking of her, but if they dont then just get on with your life as a new family. I also like the other advice HBM has said, so I will just say "ditto" to the rest of her post too 
GL hun, sounds like a not very nice place to be and I hope it gets easier for you soon
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Bobbie
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 4:21pm |
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Don't have much to add except it sounds like Amelia has a lovely father - and it isn't her biological one.
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julz85
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 4:28pm |
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thanks Elle , i agree with everything you have said . im definalty going to take a step back from him now , its just getting ridiculous . yes Bobbie i completly agree!!!! my partner is a million times the father Matt is to Amelia , he plays with her , he feeds her , he changes her, hes taught her how to wave and kiss, he goes out of his way for her and i every single day and her whole face lights up when she sees him . im very very lucky to have him .
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?Lolly?
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 5:12pm |
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It won't say 'Unknown' It will say 'Not recorded' My son's bio dad wouldn't sign the forms either.
It takes more than donating sperm to be a father! Your little girl only needs one parent to love her unconditionally for her to grow up happy and well adjusted.
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kiwi2
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 5:25pm |
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With you on the suicide thing. Dad tried 3 times and once collapsed with an overdose whilst looking after my brother who also took the spilled pills thinking they were lollies. Both were fine in the end but like I said I would encourage only supervised visitation. This happened before I was born so I only experienced two attempts and mum did a good job keeping me from it. I only started putting pieces together later on in life. Good luck with everything. Such a stressful position to be in.
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MrsFord
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 6:04pm |
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As the daughter of a "Father Unknown" I agree with everything Elle said.
That is what my mum did, growing up my bio fathers number was on the fridge and I could call him if I wanted but I never did. He used to call when I was little and say he was going to visit then not show up and it was always mum I blamed so don't expect it to be easy but just always be open with your little girl but sugar coat it for her a little....
Hang in there Julz, your daughter is not missing out because her dad is un-named on her birth cert. She has everything she needs with you and your new man. Let her father and grandmother make the effort and if they don't, they lose out... she won't miss what she never knew and it can't hurt her as much that way.
((HUGS))
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_H_
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 7:05pm |
i agree with what has been said. take a step back and let him (and his mum) make the moves.
i also wanted to add- when you daughter is old enough tell her about her past. My story is different-dad died when i was young and there was problems between his family and mum. i had a loving step dad but i still dont know this to day what actually happened to cause all the problems. i feel like i dont understand where i came from (i dont know my dads family at all) and wish i actually knew about my past
remember that beautiful girl of yours is the most important thing and you need to put her first
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Raspberryjam
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 7:39pm |
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Your baby girl is relying on you to protect her and keep her safe and well and to always have her best interests at heart - its a shame you ended up with a sh*t as a sperm donor but you have some awesome support and love for both of you so now, if i were you Id just give her what she needs.
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anon
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 8:07pm |
 HoneybunsMa wrote:
Julz hun hugs!
Firstly, you have tried to get Matt to sign the cert, if he isn't going to do it he isn't going to do it. It'd be easier to put father unknown for now and in the future you can add him. My bros done the research, (remember him and his sons mum aren't together) You can add a father to the cert at anytime but you can only take someone off if you do a paternity test. If your worried about Milly seeing the cert and asking why isn't her dad on it, chances are she won't see it until she needs a passport or something like that done, which until about 15 I would assume you would be filling all that stuff out and after that she will hopefully be old enough and responsible enough to sit down and talk to about it.
My advice for the access, let them come to you. If they want to see her then its on your terms when your available and if you can't be there then someone who YOU trust to be there with them. Don't make the effort to email his mum and see if she emails you in the future and asks if she can have pics etc. Don't talk bad about her dad round her which I'm sure you won't be. But just mention him and the good times you had together. If it's not going to upset you then maybe keep a box of photos aside of him and you together and let her look at them everynow and again as she grows up. When she asks for him while growing up, the only thing I can suggest is call him and put her on the phone. I suggest you txt him prior to let him know that its Milly and not you wanting to talk to him. If he answers then great, stand close by and monitor, if he doesn't then just say sorry bub looks like he's busy at work/sleeping whatever you want.
As for the dodgy pics, txts I would keep them on your phone in a folder specifically for him so you don't scroll through them, then every other month back them up to a computer as you will probably want things like that if he ever wants to claim custody of Milly. I'm not sure but he may realise down the track that if he has her as main custody then he can get winz support and that would benefit him. Keep track of all times you have tried to make contact with him and his mum.
I hope some of what I have said helps. |
I totally agree with this. 100% good advice.
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Bizzy
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Posted: 06 April 2010 at 10:56pm |
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um i would definitely get the birth cert done - i always thought you would need that to get an IRD number to get WFF or to apply for child support.
you cant force him to have a relationship with her and frankly if he isnt trying then it goes in your favour.
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bad dad- what would you do ?
