Romanticising ’Family’ / Evening Routines

I have a bit of a predicament that I was hoping I could get some advice or perspective on. I'm looking for honest opinions.

To give you a bit of background, I didn't grow up with a Dad so I've always had an idea in my head of how a family should be, how they should behave - basically how it would work.

Now DH and I are currently having 'a thing'.

He plays football on the weekend which is up to 4-6 hours away from home on Saturday. He tries to go to the gym each day of the weekend which is about 1.5 hours each time. He also wants to go to the gym three evenings a week during the week from 6-730pm.

We have a toddler - 'nuff said right? Dinner time and toddlers don't appear to mix in my world and with DH going off to the gym at that time of night, well, let's just say that it f*cks me off.

He says that it's the best time to go, the only time his training partner wants to go and he's not so famished so he can have a decent workout etc. but all the while, I'm literally left holding the baby. I've tried raising it with him but we just end up arguing. He thinks the only way to fix this is for me to tell him what I want him to stop (gym or football). The thing is, I don't know what I want from it.....

I've done a bit of delving into why it pisses me off so much and so far I have come up with the following reasons:
- I'm jealous that he gets so much time to do his hobbies (although I go to the gym every morning when DS isn't even awake, plus going in the morning isn't convenient for DH)
- I'm angry that I get stuck with the hard job (evening crazy-time) and then he swans in from the gym wondering where tea is
- I want to start getting DS to bed earlier (at present, he is anywhere from 830 - 9pm because we're not eating until 730 - 8 - again my idea of family eating together)
- I thought that dinner times/evening time is family time and that family came first and hobbies came second
- I'm angry that DH isn't trying to find a mutually beneficial solution (it's my decision on what I want him to do as long as I stop nagging him)
- I feel like I've sacrificed hobbies for the good of 'the family'. I feel that DS should see us both in the evenings and that neither of us should do the 'solo parent thing' for the sake of a hobbie (For work, it would be totally different)

Now, my questions of you are:

- If anyone is in a similar position, how do you work? What is your routine? And how do you ensure that you both feel like you're winning?

- Am I romanticising the notion of what a family should be like in the evenings? In this day/age, with both parents working, sports and hobbies being the main social outlet, are my ideas outdated and unreasonable?

mmmmmm I am in a similar position re night times and weekends. Not all dps fault tho

Dp works long hours during the week and I have chosen to go back to work parttime (tho he thinks i should stay home and can't understand why I would WANT to work ... I tried explaining me going to work is like a hobby now! he doesn't understand that!)
However I work Sat, Sun, and Thursday pm - absolutely not ideal as we don't get a family day as such and we don't see each other on a Thursday as i leave for work before he gets home but I have some satifaction (don't know it thats the correct word) That hes home with the baby doing what i'm stuck doing all week? - he always usally gets someone to come over or take her for a couple of hours 1 day in the weekend so he can "do things" while i totaly understand Its hard and that he is at work ALL week ...
HE SHOULD NOT HAVE SIGNED UP TO A RUGBY TEAM!!!!!!!!
He now has training and a 'beer' on a wednesday night again doesnt get home till about 8.30 or 9 (whilst i dont mind this i am totally jealous he has some time to himself to hang with friends will im running round cooking tea, bath and feeding baby then putting her to bed!) And then has a game on a Sat which = about 4hours by the time he gets there early fluffs round afterwards etc .. he also comes home and plans to go to the clubrooms but the baby ALWAYS plays up on a Sat so he never makes it down - now hes decided he needs to hit the gym at least twice a week.

I guess he feels i'm "Winning" as im home most of the time with her but i feel like hes "Winning" cos hes not stuck being at home as such and he also gets hobbies and help from family on the weekends. While during the week I have to 'deal' with it all and the house.

I'm guessing like you said before it maybe this day/age nights and weekends aren't family time as such like they used to be??

When we are both home together DP is amazing and when he has her by himeslef - have no worries about what he does/doesnt do .. he does it all pooey naps, dresses her, bathtime, food etc.

 I don't have this problem as Dh is not sports minded.

You could compromise when he is at home he takes on the responsibilty while you may want to do a night class, visit  a friend and have that time to yourself.

Mrs H - This is only my opinion.. And firstly can I say you're doing a great job - it's very hard to do things on your own.

I don't think it should matter if you had a dad or not - you have an idea of how you would like your house to work and it's not working for you so of course you have the right to change it..!! Theoretically I never had a dad - he worked like a trooper and spent the rest of the time at the pub so it was always me, my bro and my mum. It sounds mean, cause my dad is great in his way but was sadly missed a lot in childhood.

I think family time is extrememly important..! I don't know how old your toddler is, but they do feel the absence. I'm not in your position as such - my DP works from 6am - 8.30pm Monday to Friday to help us with the bills so I'm alone a lot.. And even though working is different from hobbies it still means DP is away from the house a lot.

I understand that people need their hobbies etc to keep sane, but I would put my foot down and demand that the gym time be either early morning or later at night once your little one in bed or one the way to bed.

It's very selfish of him to have time away from the home to do personal things - if it's work it's different. I wish you all the best of luck with that one and hope that you can adjust things to suit EVERYONE in your home..

I'm not in the same position as DH isn't into sports etc but I have to agree with others in that there has to be some give and take on both sides here.

I like us all to have dinner as a family, I'm fortunate that DH generally works a 7am-5pm Mon-Fri job so we always have dinner as a family around 5.15pm, not only because it's important to both of us but because DS gets into the bath at 6.20pm each night so when DH gets home from work it's dinner, they play together while I clean up then DH baths him, he's in bed by 7pm and then DH and I have our evenings together. If DH had a hobby or wanted to go out, of course I don't mind doing the routine on my own for a night or two a week (and often do when he travels for work) but that's our routine and DH knows it's important for our family so generally we stick with it and work around it ie. he will go out after 7pm so we are both having a 'break' when DS in in bed for the night.

I'm not saying it's easy for everyone to do the same thing as even from the above responses, work hours vary and that's just life but if he has a choice between a hobby and family time which is important to you - I think it should be important to him also and there needs to be some kind of compromise made.

All the very best, I hope you can find something that works for you all!

I guess I'm in a similar situation - my DP works long hours (5am - 6 ish), plays rugby and goes to karate. He has one practice and a game which takes most of Sat, esp for away games (He was looking at playing Div1 which would have meant an extra practise but in the end decided against it luckily). Karate was twice a week, but he cut it back to once when our 3rd was born. I understand them wanting to do something that's not work, but do think your DH is asking a bit much to have to go to the gym 3 nights a week!
All the time away use to pee me off more than it does now cos when I look at my day - even though I don't get time just to myself, I do get to meet up with friends lots, have coffees at cafes, go shopping, go for walks, have some internet time and so on... I was actually talking about this very topic with my friend a few days ago, and we were saying how lucky we feel to be SAHMs cos I really enjoy the lifestyle. I don't at all feel stuck at home, I feel lucky to be at home (most the time ). So even though I really don't have any hobbies that I have time away from the kids for at the mo, I'm okay with it, and when they're older it will get easier for me to do something too. So I guess that's how it works for us...
I do agree it's important to do stuff together as a family as well - and each weekend we normally spend one day doing something together (like swimming, the park, museum, beach etc). We often go watch his game on the Saturday as well, the kids enjoy it, a good run around in the fresh air and gets us out of the house. Generally day to day stuff with the kids is usually just me, although, he does help out more now number three has arrived.

eta - just thought I'd add, I don't mean it to sound like you feel stuck at home or that you don't feel lucky to be a SAHM or anything like that - I just mean that for me it is thinking about how lucky I am that I can be home with kids and do what I do that helps me be happy with our situation IYGWIM..

Edited by freckle

Could he forego the gym on one of the weekend days (the day he doesn't have sport) so that one whole weekend day is designated 'Family Day'?  and could you share crazy-evening-time so you feed DS while he is at the gym, then as soon as he gets home he takes over for the bath/book/bed side of it, while you dish up tea for the two of you or have a bit of quiet 'you' time?  With him getting to bed a little earlier you can then enjoy more couple time too!

How about you and DH alternate morning/evening gym visits, that way he has to do dinner for bub and you the night you are at the gym. Sorry havent read the other posts.

wow MrsH - you guys sound super busy! sorry I dunno why I just assumed you were a SAHM from your post... seeing you're both working that seems REALLY unfair to me! no matter whether the job is physical or not is inconsequential in my opinion.

Edited by freckle