NEWSFLASH!!! I finally like my babies!

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   We have had a pretty shocking few weeks which all came to a head on Monday night when I ended up sitting on the driveway screaming my lungs out in frustration after the gremlins had been awake and shrieking for more than 12 hours. I was at the point where things actually couldn't get any worse, and I told my Mum (and anyone else who would listen) that I didn't even LIKE my babies - all they seem to do is scream and cry and get sick (bearing in mind that in 9 weeks we have had 3 trips to the after hours doc, 4 trips to Starship and God only knows how many trips to the GP) and I am just absolutely and utterly exhausted.

We saw the GP yesterday and I had a good talk with her about everything and she agrees that I DON'T have PND (despite everyone else being quick to diagnose!) - I am just seriously sleep deprived. She also said she doesn't think I am imagining the girls health problems coz I'd kind of gotten to a point where it felt like maybe the problem was ME not anything wrong with them. And also feeling hugely guilty for not liking them, and feeling like it's my fault they have the kidney problem (it's most likely inherited) and I've just been on a huge downwards spiral. Doesn't help that I bonded INSTANTLY with Maya when she was born - makes me feel sorry for the twins that I didn't have that with them too.Not feeling sorry for myself as such - more hating myself for being such a useless mother.

Anyways, they were feral and grumpy all day yesterday and Maya and I ran away to Pizza Hut and left them screaming with Willie but they settled eventually, I woke them at 10 for a bottle and they slept till 4.15am which is the best they have done so far (except the night before when they went till 5am but that was after their mammoth all day screaming session).

I have also had this niggling feeling that they are not developing along the right tracks, they haven't been vocalising at all, and then all of a sudden out of the blue tonight I was talking to Mercedes and she was smiling and started gurgling back. They have been much happier today and when I put them in their cots to sleep and turned their mobiles on they both smiled at them and looked really content and all of a sudden I realised that I do actually love them after all.

It's been a long process, and probably ongoing but today just felt like a real breakthrough and I wanted to share.  