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kellverona 
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Joined: 01 January 1900
Location: Hervey Bay Australia
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 Topic: HELP! I need to talk
Posted: 21 January 2007 at 3:18pm |
Hey ladies, Have tried to call some friends but noone is home and Im just having a horrid afternoon. I need some advice and this is theonly place I could think of.
Nothing to do with babies as Jaxon is just fine and such a lil darling. its me that is the problem.
I just cant have a life unless it revolves around Glenn. and Jaxon of course, hehe.
He is such a great man and is the type of guy that will not go out and drink with the boys etc and feels that we can do the socail thing as afamily especially now we have a wee boy etc. Hes not that type of guy in which i think is great.
Hes fantastic. I sometimes wonder how he puts up with me. We dont argue or anything I just express my thoughts over txting which is probably a good thing. The poo man just listens. He never raises his voice.
I was brought up in a family that was like that. Mum and dad hardly went out without each other. They did the couple thing.
Anyway getting to the point...
I feel so bad cos I got really angry with him via txt (thank goodness) and pissed off cos Glenn had to go to Hamilton this morning (his only day off) at 8am for a band practice and said he will be back by 3. He hasnt even left yet and still playing. Its not his fault but I get so angry becasue there is always an excuse. (most of the time not helped) Not his fault but he gets the blame. We had plans to go see friends this afternoon but now it will have to be cancelled.
I just get so bored and dont like to do things without him. I dont really drive too often as I hate it .. so cant really go anywhere. Im starting up my walking again next week with the girls if it all works out and coffee morning so that will keep me busy during the week. got a wedding to plan and thats getting stressful as we still have lots to do and money to find.
He works full time and every day will be at least an hour late. gets annoying but used to it. I just ge so sick of his unreliablity. How can I keep myself calm and not want to spend so much tim with him. Mind you Sunday is the only day we do get to spend together as a family.
Im all over the place here. sorry. The main point Im getting at is How can I stop being so angry especially when it is not his fault. I feel so mad and bad for being mad at him.
 I wonder sometimes if i need to seek some counselling to help me get a life of my own. (not revolving it around Glenn all the time) Im very dependant on him and want to change that.
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AnnC
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Location: Taranaki
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Posted: 21 January 2007 at 3:32pm |
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i am the same some times.
DH works long hours plays cricket all day saturday and out sunday helping my parents doing up their rental then its monday again. mines more boredom if i get angry with DH more than him doing anything wrong.
Why don't you take Jaxon and yourself for a walk so your not sitting waiting for him to get home, some times that can make it worse as we women stew.
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Ann
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10)
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AnnC
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Posted: 21 January 2007 at 3:42pm |
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and if you feel bad you could text and apologise.
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Ann
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10)
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busymum
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Posted: 21 January 2007 at 4:35pm |
Perhaps you could get a coffee group going with you and a couple of friends so not all your time is dependent on Glenn? That will also give you the support base to go back to when you're really frustrated and need to talk things over (sometimes typing doesn't quite do it for me).
(un)Punctuality IS a pain, I'm the organised type so it bugs me too. Having a couple of years of DH studying MADE me learn to get over it  Maybe he could call when he's on his way home (from work, I'm thinking) so you know when to expect him? Is it just that you miss him, or are you trying to keep dinner warm etc? If that is the case, can you guys agree on a daily time tea is to be available, and he can re-heat if he's late home?
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mum2emj
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Location: Nelson
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Posted: 21 January 2007 at 4:40pm |
kell- i dont know what i can say, but im a bit like you too  - so know where you are coming from, and how you feel. take care 
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katie1
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Posted: 21 January 2007 at 4:58pm |
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I understand too Kell. It is disappointing when you have plans and are then let down (even though it is not his fault) I know that when I am at home during the week I really appreciate doing things with my husband in the weekend too. I am sure most people are the same so don't worry.
You sound like you have plans for catching up with people during the week which is great.
Hang in there today. Like Ann said perhaps getting out for a walk would help?
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my2angels
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Posted: 21 January 2007 at 5:30pm |
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oh man thats sounds just like me. Ive tried everything but have no more ideas sorry. I tried arranging my own thing and if he's home on time sweet if not then it doesnt change my plans, including just having tea with kobe and if he is home then he gets tea and if he isnt then he has to heat it up but im just not that sort of person. I hate the idea my hubby has to have re heated tea every night, even if it is because of his work. He too is at least an hour late home every night and work plays such a big part of his life then he goes and plays cricket all day saturday so Im left feeling like there is no me time. One thing i have found good though is lately i have been walking for an hour everynight, (training for my big walk i had today, god im buggered) but anyway, even though its just walking it means im alone with my music while he is home with the kids and i feel a bit better for it. My hubby also never argues or fights with me so after everything i always end up feeling like such a cow when i know its not his fault.
Sorry i dont really have much advice but know your not alone.
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miss
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Posted: 21 January 2007 at 5:34pm |
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What was it like before Jaxon - did you do everything together then? WHen Glenn worked late, or had to travel with his music - what did you do with your time?
Also, do you have Jaxon free time available to you - you may need some time out to be yourself again. it is very easy for a woman to lose herself in the role of wife and mother, so that they aren't the third role - themselves - anymore. Maybe you need to look for something that isn't based around your lovely men, and organise to do whatever it is regualarly somehow?
Perhaps you could look at having advanced drver education/defensive driving lessons to get your confidence up with driving.
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Maya
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Posted: 21 January 2007 at 5:57pm |
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Willie is a shocker like taht too, and I get frustrated even tho it's not his fault co he works long hours and all he wants to do is sleep when he gets home, not go out with me. I guess I'm lucky that I'm pretty independent (or maybe that's why we get on so well) so I do my own thing, but I really cherish the few things we do together as a family.
I take the kids out walking when I'm feeling a bit housebound, which is a real sanity saver for me, or I go shopping and spend Willie's money LOL.
I agree that time out for you is important too tho. I take time out when the gremlins have their afternoon nap, and then we make a point of Sunday being family day, no excuses.
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 Maya Grace (28/02/03)
 (02/01/06)
The Gremlins:Sienna Marie & Mercedes Kailah (14/10/06)
Lil miss:Chiara Louise Chloe (09/07/08)
Her ladyship:Rosalia Sophie Anais (18/06/12)
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SMoody
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Posted: 21 January 2007 at 6:05pm |
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I use to be exactly the same back in South Africa. Hubby was on call 24/7 and work use to call him out and I just use to get really mad at him. I didnt like driving myself anywhere. I moved cities to be with him so his pals was my pals and I didnt really have any of my own.
It did get better once we moved here. I did realise I cant really blame him if I dont have a social life of my own. I got over the fear of driving or I walk where I want to go. Sighned up with a playcentre to go out with other mommies.
You need to get out. Even if it is just to the local park and you meet other moms there with their kiddies. And maybe it is a good thing if you want to go talk to someone else about this or you can just talk to us here.
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Bombshell
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Posted: 21 January 2007 at 6:53pm |
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I take it from this that you dont or cant drive...def get your licence - it will give you an amazing independence and with kids it can be a lifesaver...
then if he didnt come home...so what...you could go to your friends place anyways....
My Dh is often late...i will now try not to text him except to say - "dinner is in the dog or the microwave"...or "shame you arent home like you promised - i will be at.../ home at..." - i also give him a warning and if no luck then just get on with it...he has missed out on very few things due to knowing I will go on without him....
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linda
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Posted: 21 January 2007 at 9:47pm |
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I have a great partner who is forever working on our house but it does frustrate me that we don't do a lot of things as a family. I'm not good at talking about it so end up being grumpy and making snide remarks...I can't help myself but I am trying to work through it.
We both work so I think our weekends should be focused on the kids...and its not.
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mum2paris
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Posted: 21 January 2007 at 10:01pm |
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I used to be the same, I didn't go anywhere, and am sure i made mike feel guilty about wanting to have his own time, simply because i never asked for my own me time. He would get home from work and just want to relax, I would either throw a kid at him or want to drag him out somehwere cos i had been nowhere and wanted to catch up.
Now that I work i feel like the roles are reversed.. feel bad cos he's stuck at home with the kids, I always have to work weekends, i work late.. The other day i forgot it was a weekend.. and remembered when i went to walk out three quarters of an hour late that hello, it was saturday and mike had been waiting down in the carpark with the kids in the car for all that time. (usually on week days i just walk into town to meet them at daycare at 5 so have an hour and a half up my sleeve anyway.. hence, i didn't really worry about leavning late.. till i realised it wwasn't a weekday)
Give him some time, instead of expecting him home at the time he finishes work, i used to set my mind that mike would be home about three quarters of an hour AFTER his finishing time. If he wasn't home by then.. well THEN my grumpyness was justified. I also did the rule of 15 minutes time. HE got 15 minutes of peace when he got in the door without rants raves and whinges, if he wanted to join in with what i was doing for the kids then he did, but if not he had that time to wind down.. but after that.. I got mine.. 15 mins to myself. so that when we finally greeted each other we were both a little less stressed and could switch off the crap and just talk about it.
I also made a rule that one daya weekend was "family day" where we would go out and do something as a family, be it go to the park, the pool, town whatever, and no-one could interupt us. (we used to have his dad ring at a moments notice and ask him to work onthe stockcar.. this year we have had far less probs cos his dad does not have the damn thing anymore)
I guess. being on the other side. I can see why he got so stressed... I feel torn, and when he's been at home with the kids Part of me feels bad i haven't been there to support him, another knows I'm gonna feel even worse once he tells me all about the things the kids have done wrong.. (or right.. that i would have loved but missed).
It's hard being the working side too.
The only way to get used to not being joined at the hip, is to make your new baby boy your new best friend - babies open a heck of alot of doors for opportunities. Push yourself. I made myself go to plunket groups, found a small playgroup with only about 6 of us to begin with.. and went from there.
Sometimes the 4 walls just get a bit too enclosing, but we think that they are the safest place to be.
(sorry if that was a load of crap.. hopefully some part of it makes sense)
Edited by mum2paris
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Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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Andie
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Posted: 22 January 2007 at 2:25pm |
I'm the really independent type, which is a sanity-saver since my hubby seems to always be at work or working elsewhere, and there have been many times I have felt like a single parent who had a visitor at the dinner table each night (hubby - there just for as long as it took to throw a meal back, and off again when I'm still half-way through eating mine!). But even being independent and needing my 'space' I still found/find this really difficult. Heck, we marry them because we like being around them, so of course we'll miss them when we're hardly spending any time together! So please don't be hard on yourself for missing your DH and feeling a bit lost without him.
I'm jumping on the 'join a coffee group' bandwagon here, 'cause there's nothing quite like getting OUT and hanging with other women in a similar life phase - they just get it. If you ring your local Plunket, they should be able to tell you if there's a coffee group starting up in your area. Apparently the ones here meet at the local Plunket rooms for the first few sessions, and are facilitated by a Plunket worker before being handed to the group to decide what they'll do, so that takes care of the awkward 'don't yet know any of you' thing. And a defensive driving course sounds great - feeling OK about driving really heaps you escape when you feel housebound, and makes appointments much less stressful.
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Andie
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Lulu
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Posted: 22 January 2007 at 3:16pm |
I hope you are feeling better today Kelly
I am getting myself geared up for when we have our first baby in August, as we own our own business and my DH works absolutely mad hours, especially during the winter (sometimes 18-20 hours a day, 6-7 days per week) - so I am prepared for the fact that I can not have expectations on when he is going to be home. I'm sure I'll still find it hard at times but I know that this is the reality of our life and hopefully it will get easier in the future! I am used to not having expectations of time already, but DH is fantastic at ringing and letting me know every evening when he expects to be home.
It's hard when you are alone at home and needing the support of your DH - I wish you the best of luck Kelly
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kellverona
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Posted: 22 January 2007 at 4:38pm |
Hi Ladies,
Thanks for all your support. I must say this community is the most suppotive and kindest Ive found.
I have a car which we are trying to sell because we need money for our wedding. Hoping to buy a bomb to get from a-b in until we can afford a better vehicle.
I did have a license but having great trouble getting it converted to a nz one since my origninal australian license got stolen. Long story but they wont give me a new one cos I dont have original. Ridiculous even after giving them documnets from OZ stating I had a license etc etc.
I think I will just drive in the meantime. have to start all over in Nz. (makes me mad as I had full for 5 yrs in oz)
I have a fear of driving and lost my confidence so I dont drive unless i really have to. Like tomorrow when i go to my walking group I have to drive to get to meeting place. More scary having Jaxon in the car. Would hate to have aprang ad injure him. I konw I shouldnt think that way but I just do.
Defence driving course could be a good idea to get my confidence back. thanks ladies. It just depends when I can do it.
No dont have any time to myself but I havnt wanted to be apart from my lil man Jaxon either. Im not looking forward to ourwedding day in March where Jaxon is staying with mum the night of the wedding. Gunna miss him.
Ummm what else...
I feel much better today and Glenn and I talked and all cool. I myself just wantto learn to be a bit more independent and will take some of your advice and see hw I go.
Thanks again
Kell
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Myamy
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Posted: 22 January 2007 at 10:21pm |
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What a relief it is to read so many others are all feeling this way too. I can cetainly relate to many of the posts here! Im a very independent type but have found it very hard to go from a full on social work enviroment to being home all day with baby so i tend to get frustrated at DP because i now rely on him for most of my adult conversation and stimulation. Im working now, looking after a young lady a few arvos a week ( i take Mya with me) and that has helped alot. i really miss her and her family on the occasions i dont have her but i also think i will also talk to plunket about coffee groups etc
Edited by Myamy
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AnnC
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Posted: 23 January 2007 at 1:07pm |
It is hard going from working with adults full time to being a full time mum, I miss work for the adult company and conversations but love spending time with my kids. I want to go back to work when Rhyley is older but only part time or casual - I lose alot of staff benifits and don't get my bonus back to work payout but there are somethings more important than money - Happy mummy and kids.
Glad you talked to your DH about how you felt. I think if you are like me you can resent them for having a 'life' still but in reality (and you said it yourself) you love spendng time with your kids and wouldn't have it any other way.
As for the driving its like falling off a bike get back on and ride
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Ann
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10)
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Kelpa
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Posted: 23 January 2007 at 8:30pm |
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Hey KEL (your bridesmaid here!!!!)
Well as you know I am probably the total opposite to you as there could be! So maybe not the BEST person to comment! But I will..in my own weird way - as usual!
I am proud that Mark and I have a life of our own and that we do spend time apart doing our own bits and pieces - sports etc. My life certainly does not revolve around him - it does the kids but even then I have time out and make sure I do. I make lots of effort to visit people and organise things and keep life interesting with lots of different titbits to do. (probably too much sometimes)
I personally dont think that its healthy for anyone to sit around watching the clock and not wanting to be without someone else along side them and once you have been together with someone 5 years - you both need a good TIME - OUT period anyway now and then.
The other thing is - and it probably sounds stupid and not something you would like to think about but ...What if Glenn werent there???? How would you cope? That to me was a BIG main stepping stone to me getting on and living life to the best I can. And I know that if something did happen and it was just me - that I would cope well.
Life is what you make of it. LIKE you reap what you SOW......
If you sit around making excuses and trying to justify what you are not doing or what is not happening - its always going to be like that. But if you make the changes and just get out there and change it - you will feel heaps better with yourself and your relationship will benefit too. And things that seem to be bones of contentment and filling your head will become "nothings"!!!
Anyway enough of my waffle - hopefully might help!! (a little) Give me a yell if you want too.
As a person and individual (without Glenn) I reckon you just need to get out there, dont think about it - JUST DO IT. Dont make excuses and accept that Glenn needs his time and that he is going to be late - fullstop. You would be better spending your time using the frustration in positive ways???
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11111
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Posted: 23 January 2007 at 9:03pm |
[/QUOTE] I wonder sometimes if i need to seek some counselling to help me get a life of my own. (not revolving it around Glenn all the time) Im very dependant on him and want to change that.
[/QUOTE]
I am the same hun I have a great man who is alway's keen to do stuff, but also want's to do his own thing and I get really mad too cause I have no lfe without him and hate going anywhere without him. Went on holiday and is was a bit of a disater I am sure most of that is casue he was not with me. So dont' worry hun you are not alone. Oh I can't drive so pretty well stuck at home without him as well.
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HELP! I need to talk
