Great news

Thats what we are here for - First of all you are not at fault at all!!!!! It's been three years it's time for him to move on with his life with you and your baby.............she needs to understand that he cannot be there for her all the time - and that by moving out it dosn't mean he want be there for her.  But it's time to focus on you and baby to come.

We lived at my mums for the first 3 months that we were in NZ and it was really tough on us, we fought all the time. Once we had our own place it was fine!! Strange huh?

Just wanted to say Janine that I feel you when it comes to stepkids. I have 3, and have had probs with 2 of them. My youngest SD lived with us full time and was 10 when Maya was born. We have always had problems, she doesn't listen to me at all and is very disrespectful and DP didn't back me up when I needed it. Got so bad at one point that she kicked me in the stomach when I was 8 mth preg and said "I hope that stupid baby dies". I put her out of the house then because I was so angry and so upset, and she stayed with her aunty till Maya was born. Things got worse after that and DP and I split up when Maya was only 3 mths old. I continued to have access visits with my SD coz I felt it was important for the girls to know each other. Long story short, two years on and she is still trying to split DP and I up (we got back together a few months ago). I know he is definitely in the middle of a rock and a hard place - she tells him all sorts of crap and he wants to believe her because she is his child, but I end up getting hurt. She accuses me of starving er, hitting her, ignoring her... the list goes on. Now she has moved down the line with her cousins, and I hate to admit it but life has actually been peaceful since she left. DP and I hardly ever argue anymore, and our house is much more settled.
Whew, what a novel! But I just wanted to let you know that I understand how difficult stepkids can be, and you are doing so well to take on the responsibility!

Oh god it's so nice to hear from someone who knows where i'm coming from - i've spoken to only a few people but they don't have stepchildren and really don't understand.  My Stepson is driving a wedge between calvin and i, i've told him so many times how i feel, but he can only do so much - the B***H of a mother isn't well enough to take him back just yet.  I've threatend to withdraw all my help but that would mean we would have to split and he would then have to go onto DPB to look after them full time.  I'm at a total loss as to what to do next - i don't think i can last much longer.

Janine (of the kbushnz variety)
I'll let you in on my story, the stepkid side of it.
My parents split when I was 14, and got together with my best friends parents. (Yeah, both ways... strange but true) anywayyyy... I was quite happy at the time while the rest of my siblings were feeling angry and abandoned. I believed that it was the best thing for my Mum and Dad. Unfortunately, it hit me much later. I had some major problems with my Mum's husband at around 17. I hated him so much and believed he was being really mean to me. The only positive thing about the experience is that I was old enough that eventually I realised what my behavious was all about and as soon as I figured out where all my anger and hatred was coming from I was able to deal with it. At the time I felt really abandoned by my Mum and felt that she was taking his side all the time and working against me.
Mark continued to make an effort to be neutral despite my teenage hostility and eventually it paid off, though it took a couple of years. Now I appreciate everything that he does for my Mum and think that sometimes she could go a little easier on him Big turn around!
While your stepson is a little younger, do realise that it is more than likely a reaction to his parents breaking up, a really natural reaction. He will grow out of it. You just have to persevere. Do what you can to get through it and in time, (we would be talking quite a few years here) you will become friends.
I hope you can stick it out

Thanks for that Nikkiwhyte, Calvin and I have been together for nine years – his son was 3 and his daughter 2 years of age when we got together – do you think it’s taken this long to act out?????  He is close to becoming a teenager.

I’ve been thinking maybe it’s me who is the problem – I have such a deep hatred for his mother especially since she committed suicide.  For nine years she has invaded our lives and this doesn’t include dealing with the kids – every time she made a change in her life we had to adjust our lives – this include her second marriage breaking up, new boyfriends, starting part time work you name it……….she has even asked my husband if there was any chance of them getting back together a few times during our relationship.  Just before her melt down I had had enough of being constantly used by her, I told her no more I was done – a friend of hers who was also being constantly used said “about time it took you long enough’, we set up some boundaries  and thought that may been the end of it – then she attempted suicide (not because of this  - her then current boyfriend left her, he felt he was being smothered by her) and then kids came to stay with us full time.  I know I’m transferring some of the feelings I have for her onto her son – he looks like her and his behaviour is very similar.  When we had our meeting a month or so a ago to set up some new boundaries and discuss her taking him for a few nights during the week to help me – she made mention that most of her home schooling friends have also commented on how difficult it was to look after the boy.  I know none of this is his fault and I know that its not fair that I should take how I feel about her out on him – but he drives me crazy and I’m sure the stress is affecting this baby.    Sorry for the novel.  Thanks for all your comments.

Thanks Janine.....I sure hope so.
I hope things get better for you too...Dont they have grandparents who can take him for a few days of the week? or some one else like Aunt or uncles?...

OMG reading everybodys post over the last day or so has made me feel so normal, i thought I was the only oerson going throgh all the MAN probs, we have been fighting everyday for the last week or so, and i end up sitting bak asking myself if ive turned into the biggest B#$%H being preg but im so sure i havnt, We fight over the most stupid things, Adrew has 2 previous daughters, 2 diff mothers, 1 we hardly see as the mothers a freak, dosnt want her daughtre in our house around me, around my son or around andrews other daughter, but not many stresses with her, Andrews other daughter lives around the corner, literally abiut 15 houses awaay, I have a good relationship with thae daughter and mother now, was horrible when me and Andrew 1st got together, then she got her own man and it was fine, she didnt want andrew anymore, we have his daughter (4) on a regular basis, shes good but totally opp from cleb shes loud noisey abd hasnt go manners, im deaking as she is alays vey=rl loving to me and Caleb, but the mother has just been dumped by the new man and is now beoming very needy on andrew again, rings all the time, if she needs a anything, a jump start, somebody to look at her car heaps of wat I think a deliberate excuses for andrew to go there she uses them and is very possesive of him now, Maybe its just me going a lil green or is it hormones i dnt know but its driving me carsy and i seem to dislike his daughter more now since i cnt stand the mum any more... thought I was going crazy... its nice to know that people are in the same boat... sorry for the novel guys..

ive put my foot down the stupid B%$^H rung at 8.30am this morning while we were still in bed, as she knows its andrews day off!!!!! and sked for f^&ken jumpa leads, so Andrew get s out of bed and heads straight there, i told him that she has enough friends to helpher out and a dad, if he runs when she jumps im out.. had enough, hes sais he scared that if he dosnt shell take his daughter away from him, shes that patheti, i said oh well if she does that well go to ourt for access, he apoplogised and made me pancakes for breaskfast.. boys are great greasers lol but that women is making me ropeable.....

I so totally no where you are, i feel excactly the same way, Sometimes just walking away would just seem so much easier... Yeah when theres a problem i seem to be the one going out of the way to make it better just beacause itl make my life easier, like shel ask us to babysit on sa day when andrew works, known full well he cant and when he say he cant she guilt trips him so he asks me, and even if im busy i feel so bad i say yes and she knows that i cant be bothered fighting with andrew, cause if i say no he thinks im being a b&^%h...
aaaarrrrrgggggghhhhh shes making our life so hard