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busymum 
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 Topic: Relationships with (your) parents
Posted: 10 August 2007 at 12:05pm |
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How are the relationships between you/your partner etc and your (his/her) parents? When I was little, my parents and my grandparents used to gather around and chat at informal family gatherings etc and the talk used to mostly revolve around what my parents or us as kids were up to etc, I guess the main reason for that was that all my grandparents were already retired so didn't have heaps of things going on outside of their regular clubs etc. Anyway I drew up a blueprint at that point, I guess, about how the grandparents always look out for the parents and grandkids and they are the people the parents suggest slightly more expensive toys/clothes/etc for Christmas presents etc. It's a mostly one-way street by comparison to the two-way streets of relationships that you build in parenting communities such as music groups or OB.
Fast-forward 20 years and my parents and in-laws are working, raising children, struggling to get out of debt, not in solid jobs (ie just started one/still regularly looking for new ones), and have troubled marriages. They say that they would like to come around/have us around more often but when we are together, we seem to only talk about their lives and problems and jobs instead of them offering their support and listening ear for us as parents and even as people. We aren't particularly close because it's easier to give up on talking about personal issues completely, but both of us wish our relationships would be better.
Anyone else like us out there? (Surely there are!) Is my blueprint just an immature hope? And any advice? (Feel free to PM.)
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mummy_becks
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Posted: 10 August 2007 at 12:49pm |
Well I am close to my parents and kinda getting used to the fact that in 5 days they aren't going to be around anymore. We don't talk about everything (as there are just some things you don't want to talk to your parents about). But they have been there for us when we have needed them (including at 2am when I had to take DH to the hospital and didn't want to wake Andrew).
However both sets of grandparents work full time (well mum and dad aren't at the moment). They both support us (DH's parents helped us get our own home), and we welcome that. DH's dad tries to make up for lack of parenting with our children (something he is now realising he can't do), and is so forgetful (as in he sometimes forgets his grandchildrens names).
However in your situation maybe (and you may have already done it), tell them what you both think (it may hit home if you really give it to them). The fact that they are "job hoping" and still have children to raise doesn't give the ones at home much to look up to (IMO).
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I was a puree feeder, forward facing, cot sleeping, pram pushing kind of Mum... and my kids survived!
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mum2paris
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Posted: 10 August 2007 at 12:52pm |
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i feel the same Teresa. When we get together mum usually is telling me all about the probs she is having with my sister, refuses any solutions or advice, (well why blimmin complain ifyou aint gonna do anything about it!!) or about bailey.
While i know she has alot on, with looking after bailey etc, i do feel that in a way, my younger sister and er problems have robbed the rest of us older girls from having that supporting mum, and our kids from having that nana figure, instead she is still trying to be a mum to a toddler herself.
oh though i do remember how my grandparents were with us, and going to stay at their houses with some of my other cousins together and all that stuff. it was so fun. My older sister's kids had that when they were little before carrie started to really rebel, (when we all decided we would rather not have our kids there when people carrie had pissed off came and hurled abuse at them).
Edited by mum2paris
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Janine and her 2 cool chicks, Paris & Ayja
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MelanieAndBree
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Posted: 10 August 2007 at 1:04pm |
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My mum is awesome, but shes in England and i miss her so much. Now that us kids are all older we appreciate her more. Stupid youngins we were! My dad left for the USA when i was 12 and didnt come back till i was about 17, so it was weird. I was mad at him for ages (for reasons we dont need to go into lol) but we get along better now. Hes really supportive with the baby (seeing as im moving in with him) and is just much easier to be around. He had an anneurysm (my spelling sucks i know lol) about a year ago so that was pretty scary.
My grandparents are awesome. They are like the glue that holds our family together really! Their house is always the place where the family gathers. Christmas, birthdays, everything. They are so good to us grandchildren its not funny (my sister, me and my cousin are living with them rigght now). My nan has even offered to look after the baby for an hour or so after shes born so i can go to a friends 21st and also so i can go get a facial and manicure etc cause i got a voucher for my 21st hehe.
We are a very close family.
Cant say the same about my dads side, we kind of drifted apart from them when my dad left...
Idont have a partner, but i can be sure that if we were together id avoid his family as much as possible. His parents are terible people.
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Melanie.
Mum to Briahna Robyn, 3yrs
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Bizzy
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Posted: 10 August 2007 at 1:54pm |
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when we were younger grandparents were older and retired but nowadays grandparents are younger and still having to work and in some cases raise their grandkids. i think it is very selfish to not allow or expect our parents to have a life of their own and not want them to discuss their lives too.
Teresa have you talked to your parents about how it was you perceived your grandparents role when you were a child. Maybe it is not quite what you saw it as or maybe your parents just need a gentle reminder of how they had it.
oh and i would never suggest my mum or dad buy expensive gifts for my kids that i wasnt willing or prepared to fork out for myself.
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Bizzy
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Posted: 10 August 2007 at 1:56pm |
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oh and i must say with my husbands parents when we visit it is always give and take. they both work too so we discuss their work problems and their caravan and what theyve been up to and they in turn ask about hubbys job and what we've been up to etc... have dinner etc..
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peanut butter
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Posted: 10 August 2007 at 1:59pm |
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It seems strange that we think of our grandparents as being older and retired when we were kids. They were probably younger than our parents are when we have kids due to a lot of people having kids when they are older.
I wonder if it is pressure of busier lives that keep our parents working and living "young" lives whereas back in the day our grandparents slowed down earlier and enjoyed life. Our Nanas probably never worked so were always there for us.
Maybe its the old "everything seems bigger, older, better when you are young" thing
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SMoody
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Posted: 10 August 2007 at 2:00pm |
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Our situation is really weird again. First of all my mother isnt like a mother at all. She puts me down all the time and has done it within five minutes of meeting hubby (he couldnt believe it). I am really close to my dad again. I think perhaps because my Dad is a farmer I was always able to talk to him. Ask for advice ect. He doesnt really say I love you or any of that stuff but I know it as he always shows it to me and says it only occasional. Same with hugs.
My parents in law. Well Hubby's father is like my grandfather was. Doesnt really know how to show his emotions. Till this day he hasnt hugged me or really talk to me that much. At the same time we know that he cares. My MIL lets just say she is a bit like the mother on Everybody loves Raymond. I love her dearly but hell we can fight sometimes. She loves her kids but sometimes it is misplaced. She will promise you that she did something (the latest is the passport for his sister which she said they applied for but his sister says no) and then it hasnt been done ect.
I can talk to my MIL but our lives are totally different. I know for a fact if I say I want to go work I will meet a lot of resistance from her and she will be totally angry if I go do that (No I do love being a SAHM and trust me if I wanted to work I would have been working)
My FIL obviously I dont really talk that much to him and Grant doesnt talk that much to him either. My dad and Grant is like father and son. They love chatting and understand each other. My dad gives me great advice but at the same time dont expect me to take it. And he always went to great lenghts to keep in touch and to visit us ect.
I sometimes wish I had a great extended family that loved family gatherings (that is now without all the fighting)
The only grandparents that is left is my mothers mother who surpise and behold I dont get along with either. She has never seen McKayla and Grants mother's mother. Who has her totally own believe system and also wont let you have your say. (mmm pattern you see.) I think it is made more difficult with the fact that I am Afrikaans and hubby is English sometimes. Although I think it made it easier that my Dad actually begged us to bring her up English. (although I do play afrikaans music.)
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caliandjack
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Posted: 10 August 2007 at 2:07pm |
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I would tend to disagree, my parents were a lot younger than us when they started their family and we had a lot to do with our grandparents. They weren't retired and I used to spend school holidays hanging out at my granddads factory.
My mother passed away a few years ago, and my Dad and DFs parents are all in their 60s, I'm not sure how they will get on with babies. My nieces are 11 and 5 so its been a while.
I do remember having big family holidays with aunties and uncles, and cousins. For us its more about our friends in similar situation, as DF & I live in a different town to our parents. We holiday with our friends instead.
As for asking parents to pay for things i can't afford myself - depends on what it is. My Dad is happy to help pay for anything that will improve the kids life. education, health etc. He even paid for swimming lessons for my niece from when she was 2yrs old.
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SMoody
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Posted: 10 August 2007 at 2:12pm |
Oh regarding the thing of parents paying for stuff we cant like more expensive toys. I was since I was really small not able to ask for money even if it was like for a school trip. Dont ask me why as I have absolutely no idea why. We use to get pocket money and I just saved up and then took the permission form to my dad who off course said yes and wouldnt hear of me paying for it myself.
So yeah we made sure everything was bought for bubs and his mother just made a few stuff that was given to me at my stork party. Till this day they havent paid for anything and that is how hubby and me want it. We dont want to be involve in future family fights about we bought this for you so now borrow this to that person ect. We know it is ours and dont have to lend out. (yeah I know we are mean people  But seriously you guys should meet our siblings.)
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james
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Posted: 10 August 2007 at 2:19pm |
my parent are great all of us (4 of us) are very close with my mum shes our rock in a storem and we relly dont know what we would do with out her she surports us in anything we do and is there to chacth us if we fall we inturn are will and do help her if she needs it my dad we are close but because of alike propblem not as close as we all would like but we know he is there for us if we need it
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james
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Posted: 10 August 2007 at 5:28pm |
and our grandparent were wicked we loved going to see them and some of my best memoure of childhood are when we were with them my mums parent are still alive my dads dad passed away about 4 years ago and it tore my hreat out my dads mum passed this year and i miss them everyday 
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AnnC
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Posted: 10 August 2007 at 5:45pm |
My parent s we are very close to and do anything for the kids. they still both work so babysitting during the week if I was working is out. But most weekends they have at least one of the kids and hardly if ever said no if I asked them to have Rhyley (which hasn't been that often) They spoil the kids (their only grandchildren) and do buy them expensive presents but thats their choice and by all means not me telling them to. They also helped us to get into our first home by borrowing us the deposit. we are forever grateful for this as if we hadn't brought when we did we would of hit the housing boom and still saving the deposit.
Dh Mother (as we see DH dad) well she is more invovled with her life and hardly sees the kids - two aren't her bio grand children but she has never forgotten their bdays and at christmas has treated them the same. (this is from a lady who when DH told her he was going out with me she was not happy at all but has warmed very much to me etc...)
DH does have to get on her case to come round to see RHyley and most times she wants us to go there, which fustrates DH. And yes she talks more about herself and her job (shes a teacher at my daughters school) its hard to get in edgewise. She phones up about once every fortnight and never asks about Rhyley its normally only to do with her. So although shes good MIL - I just sometimes wish she would make time for her son and family and take an interest in our lives as much as I do with hers (I am a very good listener  )
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Ann
Also Mum to Josh (15) and Brooke (10)
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miss
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Posted: 10 August 2007 at 5:58pm |
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I no longer see my mother (which I am very happy about) and I haven't seen my father since I was 15 or so. Don't even know where he is. So no happy family there.
My inlaws are fab though. They are both very professional peple and very busy with work, but they have been awesome since we got pregnant. I feel that we are really lucky to have them, although they may not be exactly like the grandparents I had, they are awesome in their own way!
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lizzle
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Posted: 10 August 2007 at 7:28pm |
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When i grew up my grandparents were still really young and both satill worked. my grandfather worked until a week before he died of cnacer and my nana retired from nursing and now works as a nanny! so I guess I never really considered them retired. I spent a lot of time there. My grandparents were who linked my extended family and me and now they don't have the farm anymore, we've grown more distant...well, my aunts/uncles and me. My nana and I are still very close and she adores the boys. I have to watch myself around her. two weeks ago I mentioned how cold it was and how I needed to get Taine a new jacket...that afternoon she turned up with one on "sale". so now I watch what i mention i need,as she'll turn up with it...and she;s obn a pension. she'd spend all her money on my boys if I let her. (NB: I was the only gd for 7 years and the boys are the only ggc)
As for relationships with my parents, my mum and I are good, now we don't live with each other. We are very different and mum is very set in her ways. great to visit but not good to live with. in saying that, she has a lot to do with the boys and will often drop by. I would honeslty say though that Mum is one of my closest friends now and we talk about our lives, although I am very careful not to diss Lewis in front of her. I know that she'd hold a grudge if he did anything she considered too mean! not that he does.
Relationship with dad is good, but drives me crazy. He still treats me as a little kid and constantly tells me what I should do. my step mum is great and says to him "for god sake, she's an adult now!" which helps. He buys expensive gifts for the boys, but not at my request. he asked if he could buy a carseat for the baby when Jake was...conceived. Lewis and my dad are very similar....very scarily similar.
relationship with in laws....too big to talk about...and too complex. put it this way, i love them all....and i will continue to love them all the way over the tasman. should everyone come back again...well, different story perhaps.
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emz
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Posted: 10 August 2007 at 7:57pm |
I definitely don't agree about grandparents being older in the past, it's definitely the other way around! My grandma was in her late 40's when she became a grandma and my nana was in her early 40's - and no, the grandchildren were not born to young mothers, they just had families in their early 20's.
My nana was a farmer's wife so she was always around, didn't 'work' as such but bringing up 6 kids plus at least 2 foster kids at a time was surely more than a couple of jobs put together
My grandma worked until I was about 6, and my grandad until I was 10 and he retired to move to Chch. I still remember getting up at 5am when staying with them and sneakily going in to watch grandad shave for work (you know how they used to put the cream on your nose etc?)
My parents: dad is self-employed and brought us up while mum worked, so he's really looking forward to being a hands-on grandad. Mum is a CEO so is pretty busy and did say last year that she wished she was older when she had grandkids so she could enjoy time with them. Although she's really looking forward to it now because she's splashing out on neat things while she has the income!
DH's parents: His mum complains about her and her ex's (DH's dad) life a lot to us, we kind of tune out. She's moving over when bubs is little so she can spend time with us and her/him, and it will probably go into care with her as she's a childcarer. DH's dad we hardly see, and I doubt that will change much.
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Jennz
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Posted: 11 August 2007 at 12:50am |
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I think it has more to do with society and the changes that have happened. We live in this selfish, instant gratification world where people only think of themselves. In the 'old' days we were more family based, we lived in communities where you always had to consider other people. We were raised with more siblings, we had to work as a family to raise a family and every action you made had an effect on other people.
I'm not calling our parents selfish- they are just the product of the society we live in. Obviously there are exceptions but I think the sad truth is that people are becoming more self focused and thinking less about others.
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Rachael21
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Posted: 11 August 2007 at 11:37am |
All my grandparents died before I was born or when i was young so I have no memory of them. But we had a great aunt and uncle who were awesome and we all used to have xmas at their house with all their gkids it was great. My great aunt passed away a few years ago but we all still have xmas with them all and now there are little kids around again.
My parents are great I think they love Jack more than me lol we stay every friday night and dad gets up to him if he wakes and they play with him all saturday. Mum even took a few days of work when Caprece was born so Jack could stay with them and Dad took a day off when Jack got sick and Caprece was only a few days old. I love my parents 
Bens mum is great and takes Jack about once a week for the day and we don't talk to bens dad. Ben still has both his grandmas alive so we see them every now and then as well.
I would never ask my parents for something expensive but they spend heaps on the kids anyway. My parents pay for health, car and content insurance for me and the kids.
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miss
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Posted: 11 August 2007 at 8:17pm |
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Granparents seemed older - women didn't colour their hair, people of, say, 0, just looked 10 years older than they do now. That changes the sway we see people. think ofhow grandparents dressed then compared to now as well.
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busymum
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Posted: 11 August 2007 at 9:44pm |
Wow Miss, you had a grandmum who was 0?? 
I was thinking about the age thing. My grandparents were about 50 when I was born, my ILs have both just turned 50 and my parents just a couple of years behind. Must be more of a society expectancy thing instead of "age" itself.
Oh and don't get me wrong - I don't want money from them. It's the one-way relationships that I struggle with the most.
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Relationships with (your) parents
