Writing about Miscarriage

:Due date lament:

My first baby, my second baby, our babies
I grieve for you so
By sunlight
By moonlight
By the lonely light of my phone
I sit late
Exhausted but unable to allow myself to succumb to the sweet release of sleep
Searching online for something, anything

That will help make sense of this
Such heaviness and aching for you both
With all my body and soul
I miss you.

:Mis Carriage:


I bled and you slipped out of me
Suddenly
Too easily
You left me bereft, in shock, numb

Next time round
I took even more care
But that time my dead baby didn't slip out of me
That one nearly had to be ripped from my womb

But the needles and helpful poisons I took
Helped her along
And the pain of my cervix dilating
Late that night / early that morning
Whilst ironically, I used my hypnobirthing breathing techniques
Allowed me to feel that the pain of this baby leaving
Was more proper, more fitting


I mis carried you both
They say
Was I that inept and uncaring?

Was I that unprepared
I who had carefully
Researched
Detoxed
Accupunctured
Exercised
Charted
Monitored
Read and read and read

Does my body not come equipped with that innate knowledge
Of how to do this thing
That all women
No matter how unprepared
Unwilling
Or unintelligent
Can do so well

How did I mis carry
Our precious babies?

They say they'll investigate when I've had my third loss
f**k that
I'll find my own answers.

:Gift for our family:


Today
Was meant to be the day
I'd waited for
For years

I would truly become a mother
D would be given the gift of a child of her own, linked to her through blood
My parents would finally become grandparents
My brother become an uncle, his future child receive an older cousin
My uncles, Great Uncles
And my baby obsessed Nana
Would graduate, (to her relief),
To being a Great Grandmother

One small beloved child
Had the capacity to make all of this happen
Their arrival would reverberate through our family order
To make generations
Change position

To gift to me
My ultimate dream
Of being a mother

To bond me to my wife
Forevermore
With tighter bonds than any marriage could ever construct

But alas
Today this will not happen
Nor did it already happen
And it will not happen in a weeks time either

Instead
My brother and his wife's precious child
Due to be born in the next week
Will be the key in the lock
To shift all of our positions
To elevate us to new places of responsibility
To open out hearts to new levels of love

And for this great loss of mine
and this great gain of ours
I will cry heartily
And then I will be grateful.


Edited by Pepi-bebe

Thanks pepi, I hope you will one day write a poem about your newborn child