How not to be just a spectator

I know you have had heaps of replies but i thought i would add my two cents worth.
My hubby has been there for everything, every midwife appt, hospital appt (believe me there were many) he even learnt how to give me my blood sugar and insulin injections and by being such a intregal part of it he had the highs and lows of our pregnancies. Our first midwife didnt really include him that much and he really felt left out but our next two midwives made an effort with the dads and he was a lot happier so i would certainly make sure your midwife realises how involved you want to be. If everything goes well during labour some midwives will let you help the baby out if you want to, my friends husband did this and managed to catch thier slippery slimey little girl. Also for us we bottle feed which meant hubby was able to do absolutely everything I could do. Apart from the pregnancy and birth part there is nothing that I do that he doesnt, we share everything 50/50 and it works well for us.
One thing he did struggle with though was mood swings during pregnancy, he couldnt understand how i would just want to sit and cry for no reason and I think because men dont have so many rampent hormones floating round its hard to get why you can feel like that.
As Roskana said in her wonderful words of wisdom, anyone can have a baby but it takes two people who love each other to make a family.
Good luck!

my2angels wrote: Our first midwife didnt really include him that much and he really felt left out but our next two midwives made an effort with the dads and he was a lot happier so i would certainly make sure your midwife realises how involved you want to be.

We have our first appt with her on monday. Going on mummybecks' advice re who to choose, so fingers crossed we have a midwife who values the contribution of the father too.

my2angels wrote: If everything goes well during labour some midwives will let you help the baby out if you want to, my friends husband did this and managed to catch thier slippery slimey little girl.

This would be great. Anything so I feel useful during labour. I know a lot of ppl have emphasised the emtional side to having a supportive partner during labour, but being a guy I'm of course searching for "tangible things I can do with my hands to get work done" as well lol

my2angels wrote: Also for us we bottle feed which meant hubby was able to do absolutely everything I could do.

Somewhere on the web I read an article saying how bottle feeding could be combined with b/f to help daddies feel involved.

my2angels wrote: Apart from the pregnancy and birth part there is nothing that I do that he doesnt, we share everything 50/50 and it works well for us.

Having a puppy has opened my eyes a little. When we first took Cody to the vet, we both went and there were a couple of questions Stacey had to answer coz I didn't know the answer to. It kinda made me realise that I didn't want to be like that with a baby. I don't want Stacey to be my 'too hard basket'. I'm here to solve problems as much as she is.

my2angels wrote: One thing he did struggle with though was mood swings during pregnancy, he couldnt understand how i would just want to sit and cry for no reason and I think because men dont have so many rampent hormones floating round its hard to get why you can feel like that.

Err, this coming from the guy who has found himself nearly crying at the last two episodes of Shortland St due to wild emotions over the last week.... I think I can understand why you'd want to sit and cry for no good reason!



Edited by Daddy2b

Janine - I love that advice... I've seen too many of my friend's make their partners redundant.. and then when they want to go anywhere, have to make up a list of things for babe and times when they need to happen. Argh!

hubby bathed xanthe from word go, it has always been his job and meant he was way more competant at it than me! i think i did one bath in the first fortnight ( and that was only because the world cup was on and he was watching rugby) He enjoyed having a role to play with her in the early months, that only he was good at - he knew what she liked in the water, how she liked to lie, how much water to put in the bath etc way more than i knew! so that is something you can take over and have as daddy role too.
I took x to the doctor once because she had a rash, and then i had to explain i hadnt seen it properly myself as i hadnt seen her without her singlet on for a while......

The feeding thing can be hard to share, esp if baby doesnt want to take a bottle, but you can still get up with stacey during the night, and just be with her as she feeds, or change baby for her before or after a feed. If stacey makes the decision to breastfeed baby, then the majority of the time she will be doing that, as it is way easier to feed baby off the breast than pump milk off for a bottle. But there are heaps of other things you can do to help the process.

I did used to find that dh could settle xanthe far better than i could, they used to lie on the couch and doze together, because she could smell milk on me and that would make her fidgety and think she was hungry. But with him it was just a comfort and cuddle. So you will have that to offer too!

I thought I'd put my two cents in as well.
After Jack was born my DP had skin to skin cuddles with Jack so Jack got bens smell.
I think a few others have already said this but Jacks Daddy smiles are so much bigger than Mummys and if Dads in the room he goes over there to play and only comes to me when he needs food or is grumpy.
For the first 6 months bubs will probably need its mum more but forever after that its even.

i totally agree! pregnancy is a time that is so focused on the woman, sometimes the man does get sort of pushed off to the side. hopefully both of you can find ways to make the other one feel special.