Could my DH have PND?

My partner did have pnd he haa battled depression for about 10 years so it wasn't a big surprise really. Things he did:
Didn't want to spend any time with Jack (this got a lot better when Jack got past 6 months and could do more stuff with him)
Wanted to go out drinking all the time (this got better too I just had to let him be)
Slept all the time
Would go on how stressed he was
Started drinking a lot at night (this got better too)
Always complained about the house being a mess and stuff
Wouldn't help out with Jack at all (did at the start and just slowly stopped cos he was always too busy or asleep)
Couldn't sleep at night

Ben ended up on antidepressants and sleeping pills. I ended up going to stay at my mums once a week to give us both a break and it really helped. Also making Ben take Jack somewhere just the 2 of them helped him bond (although it took a lot of tricks and me pretending I really needed bens help). Ben also likes to be the patient and needs to be looked after so I found if I let him go on about bad stuff he felt better.

For you Toni I know how hard it can be. Watch out for you 2 Toni because for me when Ben started getting better I had areally bad few weeks. There were times I was sure we would never last but we managed to talk things through and get back on track.

DH does all of those (except the drinking - never really was a big drinker tho).

I've said to him so many times that if he's too tired to do anything then maybe he could get some sleeping pills just to boost up his sleep stores. This was when I was still BFing for the first 6 weeks, every 2 hours day and night! It just grated on me that he whinged about being tired etc when I had just had a CS and was up all hours with a colicy baby and letting him sleep as I knew he had to go to work in the morning. But even now that we are both working, he still doesn't get up to her in the night unless I REALY poke him to wake up (so much for can't sleep/light sleeper)

After we have our talks for a day or so after he is fine, but then after that he's even worse but he doesn't seem to think it's effecting OUR relationship

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand that he IS very stressed at work (own business) but anytime I offer to help out or offer solutions when I can see a simple procedure change could save him heaps of time, I just get blown off

MASSIVE RESPONSE (oops) WARNING...

I've learnt a couple of things about males (mainly because I'm completely surrounded by the creatures) and the differences between the way they think and we do...
1) It usually is what they say it is - whenever Nick is looking grumpy, upset, annoyed or not talking and I ask him what is wrong it usually is just what he says it is. Women tend to read more into it and look for the further emotional responses and underlying issues. There usually aren't any until we've created them by annoying the male being questioned by trying to have more talks, deep and meaningfuls etc. Ask him if there is anything else and if you and him are okay - if he says you are - I'd try and take it as being the case. (there's an awesome joke doing the rounds about two different diary entries with the male and female response - I'll try and find it)
2) He possibly is just busy it work and if you've got people at your house (sister and extra) he possibly feels he can't relax at home like if it were just the three of you. My mother lives in a granny flat beneath our house and has taken to wandering upstairs whenever she pleases, rifling through our pantry and swiping Nick's private junk food stash and hanging out on the couch interrupting any alone time we have together. Nick responds by not talking, taking off to the computer room and ignoring the kids and I until well after she's gone. You might want to have a talk to your sister and her partner and let them know it is time for them to move on or suggest that they take a three week vacation at someone else's house so that you and hubby can have some alone time with Caitlin and yourselves. Even though it sounds to you like small, petty things, the small things can be SO ANNOYING. I get more annoyed about plates being put back in the wrong place so I can't find them when I want them than if they damned things had been broken. I'm particularly cranky if I'm also tired and stressed about work on top of it all.
3) Men bond with toddlers more than they do with babies. Until a baby is interactive and doing things (eg a toddler) - men tend to not be as excited as we are about them. That's not to say they don't love and adore there little people - they do - it's just, what do you do with a baby? From a guy perspective - chasing, rolling about the floor wrestling, jumping (toddler things) are so much more exciting than sitting, lying still and eventually rolling over (baby things). Don't get too annoyed with hubby. I'm sure you'll see a HUGE transformation once Caitlin transforms a little more too.
Other assorted things-
1) Don't stress too much about the constipation - Andrew had it when he went on to the bottle after breast feeding broke between the two of us. He even ended up in hospital after bursting a heamorroid (sp) at one stage. He was having lactulose each day while on the bottle. I felt awful - however he's a perfect little poo-er now, very regular and no long term hangups. It all cleared up once he hit solids - no more lactulose, no more strains etc.
2) Parenting is all about compromises. Some of them are ghastly horrible ones that rip you apart, others (most) not so bad. You weigh up the risk of the immunisations against the diseases that they protect the kiddies against. You weigh up the cost of going back to work against the cost of not. Most times we are forced into making decisions - for example, loads of mum's HAVE to go back to work because of the financial cost of not. You don't have a choice here - so , try and make the choice to spend quality time together with Caitlin when you are at home. She'll always know that you're her mum and love her to bits. She won't remember you not being there every weekday, however she probably will remember the events and special times that you have together. When looking back on childhood, you are more likely to remember special events like the trip to the zoo or the time we painted the windows bright green than the Mon-Fri routine things. You're also more likely to remember that Mum was happy and fun to be around than Mum was upset. Don't beat yourself up over things you can't change. You're doing an awesome job and Caitlin will love you for it (though she's probably not going to tell you because kids are like that). One day, she'll be in her twenties and you'll overhear her talking to someone else when she doesn't think your listening about what great parents she has.
Take care...


Edited by emeldee

Thanks Maree - I totally agree re. the jabs (reaction outweighs getting the illness) so we have decided to continue them.
Same with the returning to work (financial reasons). I have been making a point of spending quality time with her in the evenings which I think we are both getting a lot out of. But, DH never seems that interested (even though on his good days he says how great she is now that she's laughing etc and you can play with her).

I dunno, guess I just can't understand why my DH has changed so much, even to the point where my parent's are asking me if everything is ok (they only used to see him when they visited NZ once a year and he was always the best SiL they ever had (only one actually lol) "son they never had" etc) and now he has turned into a bear with a sore head 24/7.

Last night was a perfect example: we all went to my parent's place for a BBQ and fireworks. We stick to bubs' routine even tho we are out, so when she went down for a sleep he decided that he was going to sleep on the floor in her room whilst everyone had dinner
When I asked him if he was unwell etc he just said he was tired and needed to lay down.
Then I needed to explain to my family why he wasn't joining us

I can't and don't want to ask my sis to go elsewhere for a number of reasons
#1 they used to live with my parent's in the UK, so I'm giving mum & dad a break
#2 my sis and I always had a very strained relationship and I feel that we are getting on so well now and don't want to loose that
#3 WE (DH & I) offered to help them out with and dn't feel I can go back on that on

... just reading through my posts and wondering if I've become too worried aout trying to please everyone else and have ended up making myself more stressed, upset and paranoid that there could be more to DH's moods than stress/tired?!??!

Edited by Toni_akl

Hey Toni i just left you a message on msn. I hope it helps

PS for anyone else my DH was the same and i introduced him to Saint Johns Wort and it has helped him SOOOO much, its used for stress and depression. DH works for IBM and police and is extremely stressed and also gets upset about "silly" things so i got him on these and hes alot better and easier to deal with

Edited by Jezsika

Hey Maree that's some great advice there, well done for putting all those things into words somehow!

Toni, I too wonder if having too many people around at home, all the time, is starting to strain you guys. When it comes down to it yours and DH's relationship has to come before yours and your sister's. But you could probably talk it over with her and come to some agreement that by say, 2 weeks into the New Year they have arranged alternative accomodation? (Don't wanna kick them out right on Christmas but at least if you have arranged a date in advance, everyone knows what to expect.)

It does sound like you've taken a lot of people-pleasing on board. I tend to do that a lot too, but then the hard thing is to not flip to the opposite and be really hard on everybody

It is really hard dealing with colic and still a pretty young baby and going back to work etc... it does get easier as she gets older but the nights have got to be the worst!

My advice re your DH... my one felt kind of "left out", like all I wanted to talk/think about was my baby etc etc. I still loved DH to pieces! but the baby needed my attention on call a lot more, with b/fing and all that kind of stuff that is required on an immediate basis. I guess the best thing you could do for him is to ease of the 'make him bond with Caitlyn' thing (because he'll get there eventually, but pressure makes it worse for him), and try to make the most of the couple time you do have, like you probably used to before Caitlyn came along.

I too have a DH who complains (not at the moment but when we have a newborn) that he's getting soooo much broken sleep, when I'M the one who does all the night feeding! It's a trying time on your relationship with a little baby, especially when you're both exhausted. I guess all I can say to that is, try to work together on things as much as you can and not place pressure on each other.

As for anti-depressants and things, it may be that he needs them but he probably just needs some encouragement. If you guys can work together on the things - big or little - that grate and strain, you'll come out of this with a much better marriage than you've ever had.

Keep it up! Thinking of you...

Someone may have asked you this already but what sort of thing are you thinking when you say you are paranoid it might not just stressed and tired?

Edited by my2angels

She still could come visit though, but it would mean you always have your evenings free for you and DH just to relax. Maybe it's easier too for you to get on with your sister than it is for him? She's a blood relation AND a female after all

Feeling better today?

Since so many on here have given you great advice...all I wanna offer is