Some little (BIG) thoughts

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   For the past 4-6 months I have been struggling.

I've been trying to escape the pressure of being a stay at home dad, by playing games and being active in another forum related to that game.

In amongst the mountains of housework grind I lost sight of what this is all about.

I've been feeling like a loser because I couldn't "hold" a job down, and had to resort to "being a stay at home dad." I tried to convince myself otherwise, but I have only just realised today what I've been struggling with.

A little while ago, our family stayed with some friends in Upper Hutt. They have a family of 4 kids.

I only have to deal with 3. Seeing them in their everyday life, made me realise that If they can do it with four, then I can do it with three. Time to stop moping around.

I've only got three kids.

I struggled with the job thing. Everyday is the same. get up, deal with fights, do dishes, put washing out, put washing away, bring washing in, wash and repeat, make dinners, sort out complaining and fighting, go take a break, come back from break and see crayon on the walls, try to wash/scrap crayon off, fail, clear breakfast, drop off girls to activities, pick them up, tell them off for interfering with each other or touching the stereo, put on mivies, turn off movies because no ones watching them, dealing with 3 different learning styles and learning needs, change nappies, theres probably things I've missed but you get the picture. And even while im writing this i've had to sort out someone wanting to munch onthings they shouldnt (my shoulder, that apple, some pens, and sorted out an interference issue.)

I had a shower this morning and was thinking how good it was to just feel the water on my body, and not have to worry about anything. 

Then i starting thinking about my previous jobs, and started to grieve that I was in this situation of being "SAHD". I started to mope and think "I prefered working, at least then I can just sit down and do graphic design." Then it hit me. This question entered my head.

"What greater thing on this earth is there than helping your kids grow up?"

I thought that through. Getting married and learning to live with my wonderful wife is up near there. Having wonderful sex with her is up near there. Getting and owning your own house is great and all but it's just a house. Playing and completing games does not give me any lasting satisfaction. Work is just making money, when you really boil it down. Doesnt matter what work you do. Yes there is satisfaction from certain works, but most work is centred around making money, no matter how much you fancy it up and "marketise" it.

Out of these thoughts I conclude that there is no greater thing on earth than helping your kids grow.

So what's my midyears resolution?

Get off the computer and spend more time with my kids. My wife has talked to me before about how much time they need, but it didnt sink in until now. And now I'm accepting it, instead of fighting it - trying to hold onto my bachelor lifestyle and mindset.

The purpose of this thread isnt to provoke anyone or ask for opinions on what i did or didnt do wrong, (however feel free to write anything that this post sparks  ), but is to share some inner thoughts that I haven't shared with anyone yet. I suspect Teresa could already see it, because of some things she's said, but I have been able to put it into words only today.

Thanks for reading.