Would you be with your SO without baby??

I'm sure (I hope!) this is more common than I think.

I accidentally got pregnant to my ex boyfriend in a moment of "madness". (Complicated story that may be explained later.) After the initial shock, and many, many sleepless nights and gut-wrenching days, we decided to keep the baby and get back together.

So we are together, in a relationship, pretty much entirely because I am pregnant. Don't get me wrong, we get along great.

We broke up because I had jumped from one long-term relationship to this one with him, and realised after a few months that I totally wasn't ready for a new relationship, so I broke it off with him after about 6 months. Then, 3 months after that, I got pregnant.

I'm not really sure what I'm doing. I've never been so unsure of my future. The only thing I know is that I've got this baby growing inside me, and I have to do what I think is best for her. I don't think I could do this alone. I'm not very good at being alone to be honest, and although I am very aware this is a bad thing, and a bad reason to be in a relationship, NOW is not the time to try and deal with it. I don't feel 100% OK with being in this relationship, but of all the other options I can think of, this is by far the BEST option in my opinion.

I guess I'd like to know that there are other people who are, or who have been, in the same boat. What did you do? How do you feel about your decisions? In retrospect, would you have done things differently? It's such a complicated issue in my head and I just can't seem to find a right answer.

Hey hun

I'm not in the same boat but have had friends and family that have been and my advice to them has always been to do what's best for you and the baby (remember happy mummy = happy baby). 

Sometimes doing what's right mean staying in a romantic relationship with your childs daddy, sometimes it means splitting up.  The most important things for your baby imo is firstly that she is loved and secondly that she has a safe and happy home life (which doesn't mean you can't ever argue... just that you are happy together most of the time iykwim).  If you would be happier without your partner then your homelife would be happier that way too (if that makes sense).

Also choosing to stay with your partner now doesn't mean you have to forever.  Right now is a really difficult time for you to be making any big decisions because no matter how controlled and logical we are our hormones are still in overdrive at the moment.

Good luck.

Caitlyns dad ? no, we could barely stand each other by the time I found out I was pregnant , we broke up at 7 weeks (but remained friends )

DF, yes, Im with him because I want to be , baby is just the icing on the cake .

My advice is going to be very cliche Im afraid , here it is .
Take each day at a time .
Dont worry too much about the future,because you don't know what that will bring, just concentrate on day to day , you will probably find one of two things happens when baby is born
You will become closer as a couple
or , you will recognise strength you never knew you had to be able to cope on your own , but still hopefully on good terms with babies dad .
But if you worry about the future so far ahead, your'e going to worry yourself sick

Hmm..
I was with Matt for 6 months before I got pregnant with Thomas. We had a pretty intense relationship - He moved me in with him after 3 weeks of getting together. We've had nothing but bliss from the moment we laid eyes on each other *pukepuke* So yea, I think for sure we'd still be together - and we'd probably be married and trying for a baby as well! He was planning on marrying me regardless of me being pregnant anyway!

I wish you all the luck in the world :) I hope things work out for you

Well I also didnt want to leave and run ..

One thing I will mention that having a child is probably THE most stressful thing you will do (and Ive done all the things they say are stressful, like buying and selling a house, marriage, divorce etc etc) and you need to be in a pretty strong relationship to come out the other end still a couple!

Hopefully your pregnancy will bring you together as a loving couple and you build that bond that will cement your family together.

Oh and yes .. I would still be with DH if we didnt have Isabelle .. we would probably be richer and have seen more of the world .. but Im not sure that we would have that absolute faith in each other that we do after becoming a "real" family.

I felt like you did, got pregnant pretty much the first time we slept together. We weren't ridiculously in love, we hardly even knew each other. I'll be honest things weren't great even when Jack was born, actually everyone was wondering when i would leave but my DP had a few issues that he worked through and when Jack turned one its like he woke up one day and was an awesome father and partner. Me and Jack have quite a close bond as I did it all that first year but it all worked out for us in the end.

I'm not saying stay with him in case it works out but right now if staying with him seems like the best thing for you then stay with him for now, it doesn't mean you have to be together forever. Having a baby is tough so you do what you want. He might turn out to be this amazing help when your bubs is a newborn but he might not. So just take one day at a time and do what feels right to you.

So to answer your question no we ouldn't be together without the kids.

BF and I saw our flatmates through a similar situation. They broke up while pregnant, got back together, although lived seperatly and have since broken up again.

If you both do actually love eachother try to make it work (i fought bldy hard to keep BF two years ago) and we are happier then ever and he is a doting father to be (managed to get an hour long foot massage one night, that never happens). I know what its like to feel alone, even when you are sitting in a room surrounded by people, where you feel like everyone has it so much easier then you, and like people just trample on you when all your trying to do is be a good friend (sorry issues). If you have a few good friends, some of who you may not even talk to very often but at the end of the day you can rely on them when the chips are down, then count your self lucky and remember that you are not alone. You are especially not alone now with your child growing inside you, and you will never be for the rest of their life.

If being apart for awhile is what is best and you are just friends and have his support through the pregnancy and when baby is here then it may be better in the long run, as you don't want to stay together just for baby, and end up not even being friends and being able to rely on him to look after baby and to even have him as a shoulder to lean on when things get tough and you just can't see the light.

All in all, do what feels best for you and your situation, make sure you are happy as stress in your life is bad for baby and in the long run can do more harm then you realise.

Edited by oOElleOo

just for the other side of the coin. My parents met, got preggers with me, stayed together and got married. For 16 years - they argued, yelled, but occasionally we had some good times too. I had a great relationship and great times with my parents separately, but when we did things together as a family, things often fell apart. they broke up when i was 16 and I was devastated at the time. Now I look back and think why on earth they stayed together for as long as they did. Once I asked mum why she stayed and she said it was for me - then she added, if she had known how happy we would all be once they split up, she would've done it much sooner.

Yikes

It seems like (as I suspected) it can go both ways. The biggest thing is that we are not in an abusive or unhappy relationship - we really do get along great. My heart just isn't 100% in it, and it's hard to know the reasons behind that when I'm in this position. We initially broke up because I realised I wasn't ready for a relationship, and that pretty much hasn't changed. I guess I think there is hope for our relationship, it's just that now is pretty much the worst possible timing to have gotten pregnant and have to make decisions about our future together.

I had to come off my anti-anxiety/depression meds when I found out I was pregnant, and given that I was in a bad way anyway, I got a whole heap worse. I can't trust myself to make good decisions because of that, PLUS pregnany hormonal madness, PLUS general life-being-crap-for-ages, PLUS no family or close friends to fall back on should I need support.

I know happy mother = happy baby. My parents divorced when I was 6, and have been married 3 times each (once before me, and again now), so I'm under no illusion that staying together is the done thing. I'm not 100% happy now, but I honestly feel like I would be even more unhappy if I tried to do this by myself.

Anxiety + depression + pregnancy + no support network = one unmotivated, exhausted, sad sack of poo!!

Thanks heaps for the comments and advice and stories. Please do keep them coming if you have any more. I think for now I will just take it one day at a time, and I think that once baby comes and we figure out how not to kill her, things will become clearer to me - especially since I wont be alone if I leave this relationship, coz I'll always have her

Now only 3.5 months to go.......