What to do.... need advice

TBH counselling isn't always the answer, it can temporarily change their behaviour/attitude but old habits die hard - leapards DON'T change their spots, IMO the damage has been done and you sound like you've already made the decision to leave, the hard part is getting the courage to do so and asking for help

I'm a single mother and seriously it's not as bad as people make out, sure I only have the one child and I've been lucky to have the support (sometimes ) of my parents, but money wise if you have to go on the DPB as a temporary measure until you get back on your feet again, it's not the end of the world and as long as you can budget you will do fine.

They pay you accordingly as to how many children you have, you'll get help with paying rent (accommodation supplement), you'll be entitled to family assistance, domestic purposes benefit etc etc. All you need to do is book an appt with a case manager, definitely tell someone that you are planning to leave and get that support - you will need it. You would be better off confiding in your mother first off, so she can help you devise a plan to get out, stay there for a wee while just to tide you over (I know its a big ask for any parent to take on their child and grandchildren but it won't be long term and if it gets you out of that situation, im sure they will be more than willing - and it would be best to have someone else under the roof with you incase your partner tries to come around etc etc).

Basically I think your first plan of action would be to confide in your mother/parents, then go from there. Make the appt at WINZ and find out your entitlements, then once you've got yourself sorted look for a rental and go from there. As soon as you leave you will be eligable for DPB I should imagine.

Big hugs darl, I know it's easy for all of us to comment and give advice but it IS different when it's you going through it, everything is much easier said than done.

OMG, I just want to say Emma that you really have put a true perspective on things and shown there are clearly answers out there that do involve still remaining together as a family, even if it is a little further down the track.

Known2u - - I hope you get the help you need and the courage to do what is best for your family, whatever that may actually be.

Thanks CuriousG . I have to say I couldn't have survived the last 12 months without the support of my awesome friends who have lived the whole experience with me and always been in my corner.

I really feel for you.

I went through the situation of the txting with BF for awhile. We didn't have any kids and it was still hard.

You say he has no time to cheat, well believe me I thought the same thing, "but he's always at home with me, or hes with our flatmates, or at work, and he works with our bestfriends and surely he wouldn;t do anything round them when he knows they would tell me". But hey guess what it happened. He would txt girls that he met at work (works as a bartender in Auck City) so all the sk**ky girls were out and about and what made it worse some even knew he had a gf. It got to the point a couple of times where he was telling these stupid h** that he loved them (yes as you can tell am still slightly bitter about the whole thing).

This happened on and off for a little while, nevermind the fact that I was a loving supportive GF and did everything that you could possibly want. Looking back now you could tell that we were rocky as there wasn't much happening in the bedroom so to speak.

He broke up with me two years ago and we went our seperate ways except the fact that he couldn't stay away from me and kept asking me to come pick him up from his work or friends place and I was foolish enough to think that was us back together only to find out that he was sleeping with someone else. It all came out one day and we both went to work on a Saturday night (not a great thing in hospitality being the busiest night of the week) and we were both a wreck. Two weeks later I threw it back in his face and played his game "oh its only one of the girls txting me" etc he found out and hashed out all of the fears and behaviours that we had early one morning after another extremly late night out.

It can work out tho. Late last year as we were talking about our bestfriends wedding and the issues they were having organising it he decided to set our wedding date, and now if I mention the wedding he is a willing participant - well to the extent of whatever you want babe, or I want to see the food (typical islander thinking about his stomach).

I would say talk to your mum, but only do it if you feel comfortable as I know I didn't want to bother mine all that much with all the details. She knew we weren't happy and that I was working through it but that was about it. Do what feels best for you in your situation its hard to let go, REALLY hard but it may be the best thing in the long run.

Maya wrote: BuzzyBee wrote: TBH counselling isn't always the answer, it can temporarily change their behaviour/attitude but old habits die hard - leapards DON'T change their spots I have to disagree, it's not as concrete as leopards and spots, relationships are fluid, they change over time and require constant effort and work. Sometimes things go more smoothly and you don't have to work as hard, other times things are tough and you have to fight really hard to make things work.

I agree with Maya. My DH and I are going through the counselling scenario at the moment. He has done the whole texting other girls thing in the past and I put up with it. I am so ashamed to say that and I wish that I hadn't but it was so hard to get out as we own a house together. We worked on things for a while and things improved but we let it slip again and are in just as bad a position but with a baby involved now too. He hasn't gone back to his texting ways but we have issues with him helping out round the house and valuing what I do, and some verbal bullying. I wasn't strong enough to insist on counselling the first time but I have this time as I am aware of how this kind of behaviour could impact on our daughter. Counselling is not the easiest thing to do (bareing your soul to a stranger is a bit embarassing when you have to face up to the sh*te you put up with), but it is working for us. Things have improved heaps and he respects me more, partly I think because I got strong and told him that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. Relationships involve a lot of work and if you want things to improve you (and he) have to be willing to put the effort in. If he isn't prepared to step up and put some effort into changing himself and the pattern of the relationship then you need to leave (as would I if my DH was unwilling to work on things).

Whatever you decided Known2U I admire you for facing up to it. I will be thinking of you. Stay strong.