Voluntary sngle parenthood-what wld u do?

Sorry my spelling is pretty crap right now. Im not very well as luck would have it. Bad viral bug or something Dr said. My white cell count is below normal. I don't know what that means and I don't want to google it lol. But I'm vomiting a fair bit and now Clodagh's getting it. Damn. It always happens at once aye?

So sorry emmecat the whole situation sounds like a right mess and seems you are stuck in the middle of it all.

Is it possible to have this trial separation and lay down some ground rules that you can live with.
If you are going to continue to be with DF then this boy will always be a part of your life too, I guess its setting you own rules and boundaries around what you will accept and wont.

Do you have support from you own family?

Well I think the decision you've made is the right one. Sometimes you have to remove yourself from the situation in order to get a clear head around things. DF and Nan should come to a realisation of what it is you do raising this child, and that support is vital. Hopefully DF will see the positive changes in you, which will come about from having this weight taken off your shoulders, and see that this situation (FS being with his nan) is the right choice. You have great support behind you with your family and friends. FS will still be apart of your guys lives, and I think it would be far better to be apart of a happy family..who may not be with each other every day...than be in an unhappy family 24/7. And you never know...he could very well reach his potential..even if he's with his Nan....I've seen many people succeed from far worse family backgrounds. All the best Emme

Emmecat wrote: ...Things have come to a climax the last few days when MIL stated I wasn't raising this child to her likeing (DF and I are v strict with him...he needs strong boundries as he's very manipulative and has some emotional problems). She would prefer it if we spoilt him and 'Nana'ed him...precisiely what he DOESN'T need.   ...I have told DF I'm more than happy to still be involved on weekends with the boy and that I will support him 100% if he feels he has to go and live with his mum and our foster son.....he can always visit us whenever he wants and the door is always open. ....I don't hate this child, I feel sorry for him but he's never wanted to live with us, he wants to live with his Nana although we can all see he won't flourish there. ....I haven't abandoned this child at all- I have told DF that I'm more than happy to keep seeing him and his sister for the weekends but I am not prepared to be the primary caregiver anymore. I think that's a very fair compromise actually. The children have a sizable inheritence left them by their dad so childcare outside of school/kindy is a very real option. The nana lives 5 minutes away so there are in reality all sorts of practical solutions...just it's easier for them for me to do it ALL. ....I also feel stuck between a rock and a hard place..... I care for this kid but I don't wnat to raise him..and yes he has some attention problems but is actually generally incrediably well adjusted. He'll LOVE staying at Nana's being throughly spoiled!! He didn't like living with us as we had boundries and consequences and discipline (not physical)...like most homes do. The worst that'll happen to this kid is that he grows up spoilt and not reaching anywhere near his full potential. He certainly won' t be abused or anything horrible like that...but he may well end up with abandonment issues. Who knows? *sigh*

 Emmecat, it sounds like you've had a rough time of it for a long time. And have been doing an amazing job parenting both your foster son and your own daughter too.

While I don't know what I would do in your situation, I did want to say that it sounds to me as though you love your foster son very much.  I remember you posting about your feelings for him when pregnant with your wee girl, and worrying whether you would love her (geez, really hope I haven't got you mixed up with someone else - will blame preggy brain if so ).  From reading this more recent post, it is clear to me that you do love your foster son too and care a great deal about his future wellbeing. 

The MILs comments didn't sound helpful at all.  But perhaps it may help to sit down with her and have a chat about different parenting styles?  It sounds as though you both have strong beliefs about parenting and that there isn't much chance either or you will persuade the other that your way is *better* for him (sorry to sound blunt, wish I had a better way with words).  Anyway, I was worried about the difference between DH and my parenting styles too until recently, when I went to a S.K.I.P. talk about parenting.  One of the key messages I took from it was try not to stress about the fact that a child's caregivers may use completely different approaches to parenting.  As a child grows, they will need to adjust to different styles used by kindy and school teachers and different expectations when staying with other family members/friends places etc.  And kids actually do cope with different styles really well.  The important thing is to keep your approach consistent when you are in the parenting role.  And while it can make things easier to work alongside the other main caregivers on things like setting boundaries etc, it isn't essential that you agree on everything.  So perhaps you could try talking to the MIL and if possible agree to disagree on parenting styles?  And that each of you will continue using your preferred approach and back each other up rather than try to persuade the other to change their style?

At 5 years old, your foster son may maintain that he prefers living with his Nana, but once he's grown up and left home and had kids of his own he'll appreciate the boundaries you set him and skills in self-disciple you taught him.  You obviously both love him, and want to do your best by him, and this love will enable him to reach his full potential.