Grandparents and your kids

My DH and I occassionally have this discussion based around how his parents live out of town, so they don't see Alyssa very often. My mum on the other hand, lives on the same street as me - and she happens to care for Alyssa 4 hours a day while I work part time so of course she is very close to her.

As much as I like the inlaws, I don't have that desire to make constant trips so they can see their granddaughter. They also have 3 other grandkids who all live in the same town as them so Alyssa is not the only one. DH thinks if it was my mum who lived out of town then I would be constantly wanting to visit her, but I don't think it's the same thing, cause she's my mum. As a side note, I would probably never live in a different city to my mum anyway..

Anyway, from talking to a couple of people it sounds like it is quite common when a woman has a baby that she ends up closer to her own parent/s, and in turn, the grandkids are closer to their maternal grandparents. I have been told by an older woman at work that she is definitely closer to her daughter and her grandchildren than the grandchildren of any of her 3 adult sons. Those grandkids tend to be closer to the maternal grandparents..

I was wondering, is this the "norm" in terms of how things just pan out? If so, why do you think this is?
If you feel like sharing, what is your situation?

I agree that children tend to be closer to people they spend more time with but disagree that it's typically the maternal grandparents that kids are closer to. 

In my situation my MIL lives downstairs and even before she moved in she spent more time with Michaela because she is retired whereas my parents work fulltime and live an hours drive away.  We do make an effort to see my parents regularly (although it's not always us travelling for an hour to see them, they reciprocate).

My sis who lives in Auckland would find that her boys a closer to their paternal grandparents because the grandparents also live in auckland whereas my parents are in Featherston (just outside of Wellington).]

A friend of mine who's son is the same age as Michaela finds that he is close to his paternal grandparents too.  He see them a couple of times a week whereas his maternal grandparents live in austria.

So IMHO it has more to do with geography and the effort made (from both parties) as to whether a child gravitates towards one set of grandparents over another.  If DH wants to rectify the balance maybe he could suggest his parents visit, it can't always be you visiting them IMHO.  I also think it's true that men are more likely to move away from their mothers than women are. 

Edited by MrsMojo

both sets of Ethan's Grandparents live here..... I lived away from my family but hated it and glad I came back before I had kids(I have a disabled brother as well so prefer I'm nearby for that reason as well)

Even though Dh's family lives here we hardly see them.. his mother is elderly but comes over when she can..he just is different with his family, while still close, he hardly sees them whereas I see my family at least once a week..so in our case Ethan will probably end up closer to my parents and certainly will stay overnight there and not at Dh's Mum (only due to age though)

and I totally get what you mean about Dh saying about your Mum....when she is YOUR mum it is different..

I suppose one of the things is, the inlaws haven't come to visit us any more than we have gone to them, but often complain they don't see their granddaughter very much. I have no problem with occassionally going there, it's just more work for us to lug Alyssa (and soon to be another baby) to them right now, so I sometimes feel like it's just easier for them to come to us. It's a 2 hour drive, so can be done in one day. Of the 4 times or so we have made the trip, Alyssa screamed at least one way each time time so that kind of put me off too..

Luckily it's not something that we argue about because DH doesn't really suggest we go there anyway..it's just something I wondered about.

When I was growing up, I lived in the same town as my maternal grandparents and an hour's drive away from my paternal grandmother (widowed). But we weren't all that close to either. Mum didn't like to hang around her parents very often - and certainly not let us stay even for an afternoon - because of abuse in her childhood. We got to see paternal grandmother almost as regularly: she would always make an effort to come visit for our birthdays and there would always be some family get-together each year (often for Christmas).

So basically with m.grandparents we were never left, so I didn't get to know them much. With p.grandmother whenever we saw her there was a party or cousins around, so we never got to know her much either!

With my kids, p.grandma now does home help for us so she sees the kids weekly (and she is the best g.parent they have). p.grandfather is in fits and starts but seems to think that its our responsibility to visit him (not the other way around). Anyway he is often out of town for work on an unreliable schedule, so we don't see him very much.

M.grandparents have 6 kids at home and are going through a rocky place in their marriage - have been for nearly 10 years - so are very self-focussed. We do get to see them regularly because with 6 of my siblings still there, we will often go for dinner for each birthday. But I don't think they contribute very much to our kids IYGWIM.
We're both closer to my MIL because she's less opinionated/judgemental than the other three. However I do email my mum a lot, particularly about health issues because she has issues as well but is still in the dark about what her prob is.

My parents are definitely closer to Ella than DH's parents who live in Oz- in fact they have never meet Ella. Every now we talk about taking Ella over to visit them, but  money is a bit tight atm and to be honest since she was born they haven't really shown that much interest in her (which is odd considering that she is their 1st grandchilden and MIL was really excited when I got pregnant and over the moon when I told her I was having a girl). I figure it is easier for them to come and visit us rather than us go over then and I think they should be the ones to make the effect (they are quite young grandparents so it is not as if travelling is a bit issue for them). I feel sad that they haven't meet her, but they are the ones missing out of getting to know their gorgeous granddaughter.

My parents on the other hand see Ella at least once a week (sometimes twice) and I can see Ella having a really good relationship with them.

I can already see that Jack is closer to my parents than DH's. First of all, his p.grandad has seen him once (he lives 4 hours away and doesnt really speak to any of his 4 sons) and p.grandmother is just as lazy in that she comes over every couple of months but spends about 2 hours in total (and always comes when she knows Jack will be in bed then expects us to wake him up ). When she met him for the first time he was 2 weeks old and she spent a grand total of 1/2 hour with him getting photos with him then took off to go shopping.

So I hope Jack is closer to my parents, we see them 2 times a week usually and at least they're so excited to see Jack, not like MIL and FIL. But then again my DH is closer to my parents than his own parents. Sad but true (his parents really are crap).

My parents live 20 mins away whereas the in laws live in the same town.

Daniel sees the in laws more often and will spend a weekend day at their house every 3rd weekend or so.

He doesn't see my parents that often but I think he likes my mum the most out of all the grandparents. Not sure why that is though.

We have both sets of Grandparents living really close. My parents are literally across the back yard and DH's are just around the corner. The girls definately see a lot more of my parents (sometimes I think Keira forgets that I'm her mum, not Granna, and she lives with us not them) but because we live so close (and they work) they dont often spend a lot of one on one time with her. Where as DH's parents, who are mostly at home, when they do see the girls they spend a lot of time focussed on them and have built up a really close bond.

Edited by Daizy

My parents live in Epsom/Royal Oak so they are 5mins drive down the road.

The outlaws are in Howick for another month. They informed us over the weekend that they are moving to Orewa, as you can imagine I'm really happy about that! They've just made it harder for themselves to see the kids as far as I'm concerned. There is no way we are trapsing up there every other weekend.. not with fuel costs the way they are.