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worried
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Topic: hhhhhm some help and advice please/vent Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:00pm |
Ok, so, a fair few of you will probably pretty much guess who i am right away. I have always thought that anon posts were a bit annoying till now. but i need help here.
My younger sister has 4 kids, 2 of which are not in her custody. My mother has 1 of them.
She has a 1 yr old and a new baby, and is well known to CYFs etc.
I am worried, my whole family is worried. My mum just rung me tonight and is at a loss too.
She needs help, she is paranoid, she won't even let her 1 yr old climb up to stand against furniture. If he does it she tells him off and lies him back down on the ground on his back, she won't let her partner get a job because "that means i'll be alone" she goes out everywhere with him, sometimes leaving the house at the start of the day and not returning until well after dark with the kids in buggies or carseats all day. She has always been abusive, to the point of abusing my mum, punching holes in walls, threatening with knives. She gets in rages really quickly and is really abusive. I have always had the sneaking suspicion that she may be bi-polar or schizophrenic (her father is).
I feel so bad for the kids. They are always filthy, crying, she buys 1 small pack of nappies to last the week so the kids are always in wringing wet naps. The partner does all the care for the 1 yr old, but he is still not terribly well cared for, although much better so than the baby. The baby today when i was at mums she came round, i picked him up and the first thing i did was go get a facecloth and clean him up, he had thick black grime caked on his hands, his fingernails looked like a kids who had been playing in the sandbox (how the hell does a 2mth old get nails like that?!) his neck folds and behind his ears were red raw and smelly, his face was covered in what looked like old milk from sick ups, my sister asked me if milk powder can give them thrush i told her no, aparently he's seen the doc and has meds but the treatment isn't working - he has it in his mouth and on his bottom, i told her she needs to be more stirct about keeping clean since i only ever have seen her using the 1 bottle i strongly suspect that's the only bottle she has and i doubt that she has sterilising gear or that she'd use it even if she did.
She doesn't pay any attention to him at all, to the point where he cried today, i told her he's hungry, she said she'd get a bottle for him, and went outside to the buggy. I ended up going out 15 minutes later and reminding her cos she was sitting there having a smoke! Usually i always see her just shove a dummy in his mouth, she only feeds him if someone else ends up getting the bottle.
Further to this my mum rung me tonight, and told me what happened after we left. Her partner had gone off with his mates leaving my sis and the kids with mum, my sister spent the whole time obsessively texting and making cell phone calls for the better part of 4 hours, didn't do a thing with the kids. Mum had to feed the baby because she obviously wouldn't do it. when he finally came back they proceeded to walk home with the kids, well after dark, in the cold, no jackets or covers for the kids on the buggies.
Mum has told the partner about what had happened and he told her that he's giving my sister a week then he is leaving as she is smothering him and she does nothing, the house is filthy and he cannot handle it anymore. If he goes he said he'll take the 1 yr old. Now i am worried about that too , but not as worried as i am about the baby. He told mum that she now expects him to do everything for the baby too (which is about right, she is manipulative) to the point of telling him to get up and feed him at night, if he asks her to since he's doing the 1 yr olds things, she says "oh well, i guess if you don't feed him then he stays hungry" and she'll go back to sleep. Mum also said that indeed the baby looks like it's worse than thrush with crusted sores from the waist point of his nappy all the way down the front and back up the back. he has the most nasty cough which apparently the doctor said is nothing (i am sure if a doc heard it they would not say that!). Mum said she too is very worried, about the kids and about my sister, she wants my sister to seek help or go through MMH or something. She said "oh, I will get hold of her plunket nurse and see if she can go and have a wee check in on her tomorrow and have a look at the baby". to which i told her that wasn't really the role of the plunket nurse to go check cos a family member has asked them to. I told her she needs to ring the accross people who are keeping a watch on my sister. she said "oh but her worker is going away on holiday next week" to which i told her that if someone doesn't do something about it soon then i would ring and let them know.
I feel so torn, well not really, cos i know that she is not being a mum, she needs help, and the kids need a far better, healthier environment in which to grow up. she is not taking care of them.
Help me. I so just want to ring and "dob" her in, she needs help, I can't stand to see her kids this way, i can't stand to see such a beautiful wee bubby neglected like that. There's still some stupid part of me saying "this is wrong, this is your sister" .
I guess i'm looking for people to tell me that what i want to do is right even though i know in my heart it is.  . I need to do something, i can't just watch this happen.
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Shezamumof3
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:09pm |
Oh my gosh, I am really stumped for words  That is so so so sad, those poor kiddies.
Hun....those kids need to be taken away from her...she's neglecting them so badly, I cant imagine ever treating caden like that.
I think you definitly need to do something, heartbreaking as it is with her being your sister and all what she is doing is disgusting
I feel so sorry for you being in this position
 **hugs** Ive even got stingy eyes thinking about the poor baby with sores and being so dirty
Big hugs
Edited by CadensMum
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lilfatty
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:09pm |
WTF? Give me the details and I will dob her in!
Poor bubbas
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Mummy to Issy (3) and Elias (18 months)
I did it .. 41 kgs gone! From flab to fab in under a year LFs weight blog
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HippyMama
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:09pm |
Dob dob dob!
I know it is heartbreaking, and I can only imagine how much you are hurting over it all right now - but it *definitely* needs to be done.
HUGE hugs from me to you hun, it sounds like you are really the one with the conscience here - I can't believe how she treats those poor helpless kids
This might be a stretch - but would you have room to temporarily care for the youngest? Would she let you?
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Mama to two earth walkers & two angels.
Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience; You are raising a human being. ~ Kittie Franz
Next Slingbabies! Meet - Friday 4th May !!
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Shezamumof3
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:11pm |
Mmmm i agree with pearls, could you possibly look after the baby for a while, the poor thing needs some serious love and tlc
Edited by CadensMum
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kriss
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:16pm |
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my goodness, this is heartbreaking.. its a tricky situation as she is your sister, but at the end of the day those kids aren't being cared for appropriately and need... more! on an emotional level as well as physical care
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worried
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:17pm |
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I seriously would love to, but i work full time, and my partner would not hear of it as he too is busy. Plus having lost a bub myself last year i don't think that it would be good to get emotionally attached to this wee man. I feel that i already have gotten waaaaaay too clucky and protective over him. probably rightly so. I think that's what scares me is what would happen to him, where would he go if he was taken away?
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lizzle
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:18pm |
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Hey. you have to. you know you do. I know that from the past history things are going to hit the fan so to speak, but you have to. those kids have got NO ONE looking after them. no one is there to speak up for them, and who knows what she is doing (or not doing) when there is no-one to see.
from your situation, this must be particulary heartbreaking...big big hugs hun.
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Leelee
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:19pm |
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OMG those poor babies, they deserve better than that
I would definitely ring and dob her in, but what an awful situation for you to be in.
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HippyMama
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:20pm |
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I think though, in a way it is good that you have that bond over him - sounds like something his mother is sorely lacking!
So if you can't take care of him full time (understandably), just use that attachment to fuel your efforts to sort out a better situation for him, or at least do what you can.
I reckon you are stronger than you think, and you are doing the best thing for your family by wanting to get involved.
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Mama to two earth walkers & two angels.
Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience; You are raising a human being. ~ Kittie Franz
Next Slingbabies! Meet - Friday 4th May !!
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lizzle
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:22pm |
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there are loads of loving parents out there who would foster or adopt and make a loving home. Most communicate with the family and there is still involvement if wanted. we hear bad foster stories, but i know several in our area where the people are just wonderful.
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kriss
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:23pm |
i agree with lizzle, thats the other thing... you probably only see a portion of what is happening, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors..  for the kids' sake, do what is right
 hugs to you
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MrsMojo
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:24pm |
How awful for you! You know in your heart what is best and yet you are still feeling a bit of guilt because she is your sister. The important thing to do is to protect the ones that can't look after themselves.
Those kids need a loving home and at the very least they need to be cared for in a warm clean environment. You NEED to contact CYFS and have them removed.
Right now, after reading your post, I'm ready to drive up there and remove them and care for them myself, poor wee darlings.
I can't imagine it's easy for you but you have to put those littlies first because they can't fend for themselves. Sometimes the old saying "it takes a village to raise a child" ring true - this is one of those times.
   
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emz
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:43pm |
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Chick after reading about her before and now reading this I don't think you need us to tell you what to do, I think it's pretty clear what needs to be done. She is neglecting and abusing her children by treating them like that.
There are plenty of families that would do a much better job loving and caring for those children than she is obviously doing. I would call CYFS myself if I knew where she lived.
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caraMel
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:54pm |
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I've read your OP 3 times now and I really think you need to make the call.
I know if it were me, I just couldn't live with myself, knowing what the kids were going through.
I agree with Liz too, without making assumptions or jumping to conclusions, if things are so undeniably bad on the outside, what about when she's on her own with them without people to remind her what she needs to be doing?
It must be so upsetting for you, being so torn, but to me it really sounds like you need to be the one who stands up for these kids before things get any worse.
Big hugs to you xxxxxxx
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Mel, Mummy to E: 6, B: 4 and:
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WRXnKids
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 9:58pm |
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Man if that was my sister i would have no hesitation in walking in there taking both kids givin her a kick up the ass and walkin out possibly on the phone to somewhere to have her committed. She obviously needs help and doesnt realise it and you and the rest of your family should be pulling together to do something about it. In the experiences ive had with CFYS (not involving me) they are useless unless hounded. At least if you or your mum or someone can take her kids for a few nights until another arrangement can be made thats a few more nights they arent living a neglected life they dont deserve.
Sorry if i sound like a cold hearted cow but my sister would come second to the poor defenceless children
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WRXnKids
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 10:02pm |
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If you dont wanna be the one to do it ask someone else to make the call there are plenty of us who are willing to
I am really sorry you are going thru this and hugs to you (yeah i feel bad i sound like im a real b_tch in the last post it just upset me reading bout the kiddies)
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caitlynsmygirl
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 10:18pm |
oh man chick , big hugs hun , i know who you are (yeah , your new name didnt fool me ) and i've always thought you were one of the most mature, sensible down to earth people on this forum , that has nothing to do with what you need to do, just wanted to let you know, for when your really doubting yourself or think that you are horrible, , your'e really in a rock and a hard place
You know what you need to do , but i can imagine its so hard, its your sister afterall ...but , those are your nephews , and seems you are the only one who has any power to do anything about it , think of all those cases we hear of abused neglected kids, if only they had had someone like you to speak up for them.
Huge hugs hun , this is a horrible situation for you
Edited by caitlynsmygirl
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MummyFreckle
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 10:18pm |
Firstly, bug hugs to you and your family. This must be an awful thing to watch happening. I think that you know what the right thing to do is, but I guess I would also be trying to come up with a solution within the family in terms of care for the children. It would break my heart if my nephew got put into foster care with strangers (not that he ever would...but YKWIM), and I think that if I were in your shoes I would feel a lot happier about having the children stay within the family. I know that there are some great foster families out there, but I guess its just the way I feel about it.
The situation breaks my heart, and I think that your sister really needs help, I think that there are lots of agencies that you can contact MMH, Plunket, CYFs, I guess you just need to make that call or get someone to do it for you.
Hang in there, it must be awful for you...I hope that you and your mum and other family can support each other through this. 
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BaAsKa
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Posted: 21 August 2008 at 10:22pm |
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